Depression Forum - Think I'm depressed, need someone to talk to

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Q: Think I'm depressed, need someone to talk to

asked by: safety on May 21st, 2009

New User

So basically, I'm 21 years old, 3 days away from graduating college, and I feel completely hopeless.

I have studied and performed music for my whole life, but I feel like it is destroying me. If I hear or play something beautiful and heartfelt, it seems to swallow my heart. Whenever I write music now, it always sounds sad to me. If I try to create a more upbeat mood, the piece either sounds ugly and empty, or still sounds sad. Today I was fine, then I heard a song and was overcome with thoughts of hopelessness and loneliness, which led me here..the same thing has happened to me before, where a song has consumed me with grief...I feel like I have to talk to someone, but I'm not close enough with my friends and I feel like I can't go to my family about this.

About 2 years ago, I started getting panic attacks, stayed on a couch for 3 weeks fearing death, and ended up going to a psychiatrist who prescribed Xanax for emergencies and Paxel (Paxil?) for every day use. I felt no different, except that I was more empty. I didn't feel as much emotion, or get excited about anything, so I stopped taking the medications..stopped drinking caffeine, no drugs, kept in shape. I was fine for a year, made it through a full summer of touring without any panic attacks (except one minor attack when we got caught in a tornado), but in the last week or so I feel like music is bringing me back down. Now I still feel lonely, but I have the same empty emotion that keeps me from becoming excited about anything. Part of me is afraid to go back on medication because I think it could change me and take away the feeling from my music. Another part of me thinks about quitting music, but I honestly think I could not live if I did this...music used to get me through panic attacks by calming me as I played guitar or piano. I don't even know if its really depression...I just really need someone that I can talk to, or have a conversation with...I can't talk to the people in my life. What's wrong with me?

Replies(10)

ServiceU

replied on May 21st, 2009

Supporter

first of all early congrats for finishing college. when i feel lonely and listen to r&b it depresses me. is this the problem your having or is it that your depressed and nothing makes you happy? why now these songs are making you feel sad?
you have to be able to talk to someone about how you feel.
i was on prozac for depression and i didnt like the way it made me feel (zombie) but after awhile you body gets used to the meds. and you start to feel normal. i stopped taking them.
i get panic attacks once in the blue mood when i a really upset. i've been through so much hurt in my life.
explain why you cant talk to people in your life, you cant keep how you feel bottled inside.
and it doesn sounds like depression.

safety

replied on May 22nd, 2009

New User

Thanks. I don't really know why they make me feel sad, but its almost a sudden mood change, and i feel like i need others to sympathize with me about it or to talk to about it. I feel like I can't talk to my friends because I'm not close or comfortable enough with them, and I've never really been able to share thoughts with my family, it might be an issue i have to deal with. The last people I could really share my feelings with were an ex-girlfriend from high school and her best friend, who I was also best friends with. The relationship ended horribly, and within a week of that another friend that lives across the street from me shot himself, then I got mono and bell's paulsy, which paralyzed half of my face for a month. I feel like ever since then (about 5 years ago) I've completely lacked self-confidence, and I've lacked the ability to really feel joy. I might get excited for some small or immediate thing, but any big picture event or opportunity that might affect my future does nothing. My mom just always tells me, "you know, its ok to feel excited" in an annoyed tone, but i really dont know how to show my excitement without seeming fake.

UndispuitedKing

replied on May 23rd, 2009

New User

its okay

i have a lot of problems too, some depression ocd, which causes other problems as well. i listent o rap when im depressed, usually em cus he gets me from depressed to enraged and i can deal with it...i even like it that sounds messed up. ill talk to u

kdlee

replied on May 23rd, 2009

Supporter

Music

How awesome to have music to express your inner being..That is wonderful..

Can you talk with your doctor to Place you on Prozac-not Paxil..The Paxl is so addicting and it can affect you..My younger sister was on this and had severe mood swings from not caring to anger..She tried to stop it all together and actually began crying and withdrawal symptoms including throwing up..The Prozac for her has given her more hope and has helped with the anxiety and given her a chance to move forward at least for now she seems to be doing allright..

Please don't give up your music that would be a terrible waste..

Are you doing better?

dizzycure

replied on May 23rd, 2009

New User

Are you female?

I couldn't quite tell if you were female or not. If you are a female which I suspect you are then I have your answer--at least it worked for me. Seek out a doctor that will give you Natural Hormones. It sounds like you have a progesterone deficiency. I got so bad that I suffered bad pannic attacks, could sit on my bed the trees would blow and I would be consumed with fear. I began getting progesterone injections and I felt like a normal person again! Stress can deplete your body of hormones and if you had just finished college, I might guess you had a good amount of stress in your life. I am telling you a hormone imbalance can really mess with every emotion. If you have a family history of breast cancer, or any addiction problems (drugs-alcohol-gambling) then I would venture to guess that you need Hormone Replacement Therapy. For me it also took adding Arimidex to get my estrogen levels down but I would be dead today if it were not for my doctor. And you have to find one that actually believes in Natural Hormones cuz birth control will make you worse! All birth control is not natural hormones. I would suggest you google and check into it cuz it could save your life. (Check Suzanne Sommers book from the library) Anti-depressants did NOT help me in any way. Good Luck to you.

Sally87

replied on May 23rd, 2009

New User

depression

please seek professional help, then go volunteer in a shelter or hospital to see how much there is to live for. so many need help, yet have so much hope. i have a terminal disease - 3-5 years life expectancy. i was sad at first, but now have so much love and joy. i want you to break through.

safety

replied on May 25th, 2009

New User

thanks

thanks everyone for the responses.

@sally87 im sorry to hear that, but im happy for you that you are able to gain so much joy through helping others.

@dizzycure no im not a female, but thank u for the suggestion.

@kdlee thanks for the advice on prozac...i stopped taking paxil because of feelings like you described from your sister. I want to try and fix this without taking another medicine, but maybe its something u just cant fix...i donno. iv been trying to get out more and socialize. hopefully something good will come of it.

@UndispuitedKing i do the same thing with metal..swaps it with another feeling. thanks for the advice

musicspirit

replied on May 31st, 2009

New User

What you described are exactly how I feel. I love my music (hence the username), but everything I write is so broken and sad...I've tried to write something more upbeat, but I can't force it and it comes out all wrong. I've never been on medication. I've just sort of struggled on, putting on my face.
I feel empty, as if my senses are numbed or far away. I will talk to you - God knows I need it too.

sara4

replied on August 19th, 2009

New User

dont be you seem a really good person

bent

replied on September 9th, 2009

New User

musicosis

As a fellow musician who spends a great deal of time writing music and a great deal of time dealing with sever depression. I would say write as many depressing pieces of music as you can until you have written something so depressing that you can be happy about it. Music is the gateway to alot of things regardless of what they teach you in school. When you feel truly happy then the happiness will show in your music. This depression with music is probably the best way for you to uncover and work through whatever it is that is getting you down.

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