These are my symptoms. Am I depressed or something else?

Hello, please don't be put off by the length of this post. I've never asked for help before and I will appreciate your time for reading this.

Basically I don't know whats wrong with me. I havn't spoke to anybody about what I'm feeling. Not seen a doctor or anything, I guess I just don't want to hear the worst? I kind of don't want to admit defeat or have to tell my parents or my partner that anything is wrong with me, as I don't want them to change their way of.. y'know.. talking to me or anything. I don't want them to act differently around me.

But I'm scared.

I have just turned 19.
I constantly feel like crying. If something inparticular makes me want to cry, like for example if somebody says something jokingly to me, I will take it the wrong way. I will not cry infront of them, infact I will act normal. But inside I feel this shooting pain across my chest and down both arms, there will be a lump in my throat and my eyes will sting.

I tend to distance myself and not take part in many things. I'm full of excuses. I don't drink any more either because I know if I do I'll just end up a soggy pathetic mess with no explanation to give to anybody.

I always cry when I'm by myself. I don't even know why most of the time. I just feel so tired and exhausted, my eyes are always aching. I get plenty of sleep but I just want to close my eyes all the time.

I try my best to act normal around other people.

But another thing is I don't feel real... or properly awake. I feel like I'm dreaming all of the time and I cannot remember the last time I had energy. Its as if somebody could run at me with a knife and I probably wouldn't take in what was happening.

I always had a pleasant life. Always had lots of friends. I guess things took a turn for the worst when I was 14 and met a boy. He made my life hell for 2 years. He was very very suicidal and would use it against me, blackmailing me. He was convinced he was depressed. I hate him for a number of things he put me through. But what I hate more is...sometimes I remind myself of him.

After I got him out of my life I went a bit off the rails. From the ages 16-17 all I cared about was partying. I messed my A levels up and since then not known what to do with my life, where I am going. I could be at university if I hadn't messed my grades up. My family have always had such high expectations of me. So have I. I have always been bright and loved learning, but now I am stuck in an apprenticeship doing a receptionist job which ANYBODY could do. This gets me down a lot and when I think about it I want the world to swallow me up. I want a career. But now I'm like this, I don't know what I want to do anymore and as each day goes by I get a day older and its another day I'm throwing away stuck in something I don't want to do when I could be doing so much more (but I dont even know what). But I feel like its just too late.

I have no friends anymore. I put my partner first and I don't have any time on my hands because of my job. I met my current parnter a year ago and he is the first person I've ever loved. I've never put anybody first like this before, I love being around him he is the nicest happiest most genuine person in the world, definitely 1 in a million. He doesn't know how I feel. All he knows is I always feel tired and that I have lots and lots of regrets about my education. I am only ever happy when I'm with him, and I ache when he's not there because its like, when hes gone, I'm back in reality.

I need to stop feeling so tired. I need to stop the tears and the urges to cry. I need energy, need to stop feeling so alone because of these feelings. All I do is work, home, bath, bed. I see my partner when I can.

I really really really want to learn to drive. I have my provisional license... I gave it a go last year but these feelings got in the way because I couldn't concentrate. It was as though my body was doing one thing and my head was in a different place... again.. like I was dreaming?

Anybody got any ideas what this could be? Please help I'm really scaring myself. Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy. I feel like each day I'm, I don't know, losing a part of myself?

I mean I've never been one of those "naturally happy" people if you get me? But now it is just getting ridiculous... almost uncontrollable. I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore. Never mind where I'm going with my life!!


Thank you so much.