Hello, please don't be put off by the length of this post. I've never asked for help before and I will appreciate your time for reading this.
Basically I don't know whats wrong with me. I havn't spoke to anybody about what I'm feeling. Not seen a doctor or anything, I guess I just don't want to hear the worst? I kind of don't want to admit defeat or have to tell my parents or my partner that anything is wrong with me, as I don't want them to change their way of.. y'know.. talking to me or anything. I don't want them to act differently around me.
But I'm scared.
I have just turned 19.
I constantly feel like crying. If something inparticular makes me want to cry, like for example if somebody says something jokingly to me, I will take it the wrong way. I will not cry infront of them, infact I will act normal. But inside I feel this shooting pain across my chest and down both arms, there will be a lump in my throat and my eyes will sting.
I tend to distance myself and not take part in many things. I'm full of excuses. I don't drink any more either because I know if I do I'll just end up a soggy pathetic mess with no explanation to give to anybody.
I always cry when I'm by myself. I don't even know why most of the time. I just feel so tired and exhausted, my eyes are always aching. I get plenty of sleep but I just want to close my eyes all the time.
I try my best to act normal around other people.
But another thing is I don't feel real... or properly awake. I feel like I'm dreaming all of the time and I cannot remember the last time I had energy. Its as if somebody could run at me with a knife and I probably wouldn't take in what was happening.
I always had a pleasant life. Always had lots of friends. I guess things took a turn for the worst when I was 14 and met a boy. He made my life hell for 2 years. He was very very suicidal and would use it against me, blackmailing me. He was convinced he was depressed. I hate him for a number of things he put me through. But what I hate more is...sometimes I remind myself of him.
After I got him out of my life I went a bit off the rails. From the ages 16-17 all I cared about was partying. I messed my A levels up and since then not known what to do with my life, where I am going. I could be at university if I hadn't messed my grades up. My family have always had such high expectations of me. So have I. I have always been bright and loved learning, but now I am stuck in an apprenticeship doing a receptionist job which ANYBODY could do. This gets me down a lot and when I think about it I want the world to swallow me up. I want a career. But now I'm like this, I don't know what I want to do anymore and as each day goes by I get a day older and its another day I'm throwing away stuck in something I don't want to do when I could be doing so much more (but I dont even know what). But I feel like its just too late.
I have no friends anymore. I put my partner first and I don't have any time on my hands because of my job. I met my current parnter a year ago and he is the first person I've ever loved. I've never put anybody first like this before, I love being around him he is the nicest happiest most genuine person in the world, definitely 1 in a million. He doesn't know how I feel. All he knows is I always feel tired and that I have lots and lots of regrets about my education. I am only ever happy when I'm with him, and I ache when he's not there because its like, when hes gone, I'm back in reality.
I need to stop feeling so tired. I need to stop the tears and the urges to cry. I need energy, need to stop feeling so alone because of these feelings. All I do is work, home, bath, bed. I see my partner when I can.
I really really really want to learn to drive. I have my provisional license... I gave it a go last year but these feelings got in the way because I couldn't concentrate. It was as though my body was doing one thing and my head was in a different place... again.. like I was dreaming?
Anybody got any ideas what this could be? Please help I'm really scaring myself. Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy. I feel like each day I'm, I don't know, losing a part of myself?
I mean I've never been one of those "naturally happy" people if you get me? But now it is just getting ridiculous... almost uncontrollable. I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore. Never mind where I'm going with my life!!
Another thing I should probably add is... I'm scared of going to the doctors because I am scared of being either misdiagnosed, underdiagnosed or overdiagnosed! I am scared of drugs... I don't want something to mess with my mind too much, I like being "in control"... I already feel like I am LOSING control I don't want to feel like I am losing control anymore . Takes a lot for me to take a paracetamol! Just don't know what to do anymore.
Forget about control...it can be such an illusion. I would suggest going to your regular physician to see if there is a physical reason for your symptoms and going to a psychiatrist to evaluate for any mental conditions. Get referrals from doctors or people you know so you can get the level of care you expect. Not being diagnosed was worse for me than a chance at being under or over diagnosed. Don't you want to know what's wrong with you so you can treat the condition properly?
And at 19, you can do anything (career) you want...it's no where near too late for you.
I agree with the above but also you've only mentioned mainly emotional symptoms which will make doctors just tell you this is depression. Are there any physical symptoms which might indicate this is something else? Perhaps allergic reactions? Feeling bad in different environments/times of year? Anything at all which stand out from the usual tiredness/irratibility/sadness which comes to mind?
Don't think your life is too bad, I'm so dysfunctional I hardly have a friend let alone a partner, this is a sign that you'll probably be ok.
Frog154, I notice that when I get nervous, I develop a horrible rash on my chest. Its very noticeable, like big red blotches. This only ever happens if I'm put on the spot infront of a lot of people (i.e. at college, if the teacher asked me a question and everybody was silent I'd begin to shake and the rash would appear - probably one of the main reasons why I didn't last there very long).
I know my life isn't too bad. I have a partner and my parents and a little job to keep me occupied.. I know there are people worse off than me. I just want the crying to stop and to feel properly alive again.
I don't feel "real" anymore. Do you know what I mean by this? I don't understand it.
Yeah I do, I've almost gone beyond this already and it's even worse than before, hard to explain.
Ok, so the rash could be something to focus on, Eczema perhaps? Rashes I presume could also be to do with circulation and inflammation which might explain them (since when you're nervous more blood begins to flow as your heart beats faster and then may cause rashes to appear). I'm not sure on this but it's a start, if you can rule out any phyiscal causes it will save you a lot of time compared to trying to figure out emotional and/or neurilogical causes
Other than that, I don't know, I've not yet been able to cure mine but that doesn't mean you won't be able to
The rash could be hives, which can appear when someone is very stressed. You'd have to show your doctor when you have the rash though.
I definitely know what it feels like to be disconnected from reality. It makes you feel so alone. And I've walked around in a fog before, sort of like not being "real". The only thing that has helped me in this situation is to be around people and out in the world as much as possible. I isolate myself though when I feel like that, and it doesn't sound like you do. You think any more about going to the doctor?