My wife and I have been together since we were 15 years old, 40 years now and I adore her, always have. She's never been with anyone other than me and sometimes I think she wonders about being with someone else. Problem is that she's become pretty close with some guy she deals with at one of our customer's plants (yes, we work together too). She claims they're just friends, but they see each order all day long and when they're apart they text. The other day I walked into her office and she nearly fell out of her chair and couldn't shut the phone off fast enough. Again, I joked about her talking to her boyfriend and while discussing it later, she said she wasn't writing anything I'd not like, it just "startled" her. I've been noticing some odd things and have discussed them with my wife, but she claims it's all just a coincidence: First, she NEVER initiates sex, but has done so a lot lately and seems to be really into it, which is something she's never done and makes me wonder if she's thinking of him. Secondly, I was out a couple weeks ago on a Friday night and when I got home I noticed some beer missing and my wife doesn't drink, so the next morning I made a joke about how the "dude" must've stopped by (she tells me about him, but she's been telling a lot less lately). She laughed it off and said she drank them. OK, that's odd, but she's old enough to have a few beers (3). The beer thing made me think that she was having some stuff in her head that she wanted to deal with. Third, one afternoon she just blurted out that what we have works, so she's gonna hang in there. Huh? Where did that come from? So I add all this stuff up, talking to a dude all the time, she seems super happy, drank some beers, is "doing me" like a teenager, can't wait to go to the guy's plant, buying new clothes, loosing weight, looking hot and she gets offers to go out at least a couple times a day, so I can't help but wonder...Oh, and this guy has made it clear that he'd do her in a heartbeat, all she has to do is say the word. He tells her about his wife being a witch and the things they do and don't do in bed, all totally inappropriate for a man and woman on a working relationship...Anyway, I see all the telltale signs of inevitable cheating, but we have discussed every bit of this in length and she assures me that they're just friends. Am I a dope for buying all this?
No, you're not a dope, and it seems to me like you don't really buy it anyway. About the only red flag I didn't see was actually walking in on them "en flagrante delicto." The signs are classic, and they are many. You are being even-tempered, magnanimous and open, and offering her every out, but she maintains secrecy and shrugs it all off. You might check her browser history and cellphone bill. Unless you're prepared to dig deeper for proof of infidelity, you're going to have to just let it play out and hope for the best. I think it's hugely mature of you to just kid about it and grant her every benefit of doubt, but to me it sounds bad. I saw all the same kinds of behavior in my wife (38 years married) many years earlier when she WAS fooling around (she told me up front she wanted to, and acquiescence seemed less painful than eternal suspicion.) Good luck, sincerely, and I hope she's telling you the truth.
Thanks for the reply. I told my wife that I posted on a website and she thought I was nuts for airing our problems for the world to see, but I really donât have anyone other than her to talk with. I told her it was sad that I had the whole WWW at my disposal, but nobody cared to answer meâ¦Anyway, yes I tend to joke about things, but the point does get across. After much talk about all this, she still claims that my ideas are all based on string of coincidences and that she has no thoughts of cheating. Sheâs never lied to me in nearly 40 years, so I just have to accept her for her word, but I still have a bad feelingâ¦As for checking up on her, weâve discussed the fact that if there were something on her cell sheâs smart enough to delete it, so thereâs no reason to check it. She has one of those pay-as-you-go cell deals, so we donât actually get an invoice for calls. I wonder if I can get something on line thru the account? I did go thru her E-mail here at work and what I saw was strictly business, but like I said, sheâs smart enough to delete anything inappropriate. There was one message regarding parts, but it started like âWe didnât talk much about parts when I saw you todayâ¦â So if not business, than what did they talk about?...OK, thanks again!
I'd present her with a list, turned 180 degrees around (behaviours that YOU are engaging in, and SHE is the one looking at it from the outside.) Ask her what SHE'D make of it?
1.) Together at work all day, yet texting constantly when apart.
2.) Panicky shutdown of phone when surprised by her entrance.
3.) Sudden increased interest in sex, both in initiating it and in enjoyment of it far more than is historically so.
4.) Non-drinker, yet beer is missing from the fridge.
5.) "What we have works, so I'm just gonna hang in there." What in hell have you been thinking about? Hang in there as opposed to... what? And why?
6.) Sudden increased interest in appearance and fitness.
Google "signs of infidelity" or "signs of cheating" It reads like this list. She's either cheating already, or is about a one-ounce trigger-pull from doing so. The sudden interest in appearance, the sudden increased interest and frequency of sex (especially with all-new position(s) are DEFCON ONE red flag signals, always. One hell of a string of co-incidences, if you ask me. And also... most folks just get a cellphone with a contract... not many take the trouble to do the tracfone thing, unless money is a big priority. This is an excellent method of 'covering your tracks,' as well; has she always had this setup, or was that changed sometime around this developing interest? She seems quite savvy in the 'cover your tracks' department, and people with nothing to hide, hide nothing (to quote Dr. Phil... can't stand the guy, but he's got some useful one-liners.)
Turn the tables on her, she's the faithful one and seeing all this crap in YOUR behavior, and ask her what SHE would think... and if she gives you the "nothing, honey, you know I trust you...," then add liar-to-your-face to the list as well. She'd be flying at you with rockets in her fanny if YOU were the perpetrator of all this (unless she doesn't care, or is of that extreme minority who actually gets off on such things.) And finally... "Luke, search your feelings!" Perhaps YOU are one of those who could get off on the idea of your wife with another guy, provided you got to share in the experience, or watch footage when she returns home, with blow-by-blow commentary. Really works for some folks (that would be me, and others, but different strokes....) Don't let it just lie... you deserve to be reassured, and dealt with truthfully, at a minimum. If she truly loves you, and she sees your distress, she will take steps to be far more transparent or alter her behavior. She should be flattered that you find her attractive enough, and hot enough, that you are concerned by these things... it's an indicator of how much you care for her, and your partnership (it's also a symptom of basic male insecurity surrounding sexual matters, but that's hardwired and not really subject to modification.) I'll send light your way, and all my wishes for a favorable resolution, one you both can live with!
I hear ya...I already did that and like you said, she said it was no biggie...OK, so here's what I did today: I went to her office and got his E-mail addy. I then composed a little harmless (or so I thought!) message that had a subject line like "An angry message from -----'s husband!!! Then in the body I said something like "Did the subject line get your attention? Ha ha"...Then I just made a quick observation of how she's always been hot and sent him her HS Senior picture, which I knew she'd be unhappy about becuase she hates it, but it's a great picture...Like I said, kinda harmless, but the dude called my wife freaking out that he was gonna lose his job and I was gonna tell his wife, etc. Lose his job for what? Aggressively trying to sleep with a vendor's wife maybe? What am I gonna tell his wife about? Is there something he wouldn't want her to know? I can see him sweating telling his wife because he's done this before and was caught...After all this, I honestly don't believe she'd make that final step and she's been openly concerned about all of this and has been extremely patient with me, talking openly, etc and seems to just want to put it to rest. Honestly, there's no reason for her to lie about it. She doesn't need me, makes more money than me and if she wanted to do something she could just send me packing and have a go at it. So, I may be making a mountain out of a mole hill, but looking at all the "coincidences" together, you couldn't help but make the same observations that I have...
Well that puts a different light on things... I *was* going to suggest that you actually DO these behavious (with or without an actual girlfriend), but if the situation is that she's the "Alpha," the bigger breadwinner and all, then that could well backfire BIG time! Besides, adopting 'tit-for-tat' tactics lowers your 'fighting stance,' makes you NOT the bigger person. Jeez, that really toughens things... guess you really do have no choice but to suck it up and hope. Me, I'd push to join in (then we'd ALL get our jollies), but that's just me.
I'm troubled by her continued response that it's "no biggie." Maybe it's no biggie to HER, but that's not the issue here; it's a biggie to YOU, as the one who's left outside, waiting and worrying and wondering.... What's her response to that?
Well, I guess it all boils down to thisâ¦I love my wife, always have and sheâs always been honest with me over the last 40 years. Although thereâs overwhelming evidence that something MAY be going on, Iâm just gonna have to trust her and accept her for her wordâ¦So, big dope for buying all this? Maybe, but sheâs earned my trust over the years and Iâm just gonna have to believe everythingâs coolâ¦Actually, Iâm reaping some pretty sweet âbenefitsâ lately, so whatever may or may not be in her headâs fine with me!
Well,then, I guess in the end all that really matters is how YOU feel about things. If this is something you can live with, good for you! I managed to survive my wife's multiple infidelities and we're still here!
I hate to break it to you, but you are being duped, just like my wife of 23 years did to me -- twice. The situations you describe are telltale and classic signs of an ongoing affair. The three top rules for a cheater when confronted with being caught are lie, lie, and lie. And believe me, I speak from personal experience. My wife's last affair, and the accompanying lies, went on for TWO YEARS before I finally caught her using keystroke spy software on our computer. All that time, she was simply masterful at making me believe that questionable situations were no big deal.
Unfortunately for me, one of her covers was NOT more sex with me...in fact just the opposite. She NEVER has sex with me, and we are heading for a divorce. So don't be fooled by your wife's sudden renewed vigor in the bedroom. Just realize that you are now her secondary interest, not her primary preference. I know you love her -- somehow I still love my wife too -- but it may be time to make a tough decision. At the very least, you need to get her to fess up so you can get past this. Otherwise, you are going to continue to let it eat you up inside.
Best of luck to you. I hope you are able to find the peace of mind that you seek.
I agree whole heartedly with Rabo17. In my opinion, you
are being duped. but no matter what we think here, the situation and how to handle it is in your court. just
use more of your brain and a little less heart in
thinking this one through. my best wishes to you.