I am a recovering alcoholic/drug addict for several years now. I have been addicted to methamphetamine, codeine, alcohol and cannabis. Also very frequent user of ecstasy and nitrous oxide. I've used ketamine and GHB on a regular basis and tried LSD, 2CB, loads of 2CI and dabbled in magic mushrooms. Let's just say I've done most things out there minus cocaine and heroin. I'm lucky to be alive today and with most of my brain cells still functioning. Let's throw in some various benzos and opiates into the mix while we're at it.

Most of this is all in the past, I've managed to pull myself out of 'the scene' and really clean up my act. I now work a minimum of 20 hours a week at a job I really enjoy, I'm enrolling in university for next year and moving interstate, I've joined the local GYM and hired a personal trainer, I wish to volunteer for the fire department although my application is currently being reviewed by the brigade (I passed police clearance, just need the approval of the crew).

Tomorrow will be my fifth week in my new job, which is fantastic considering I've been unemployed for years. It took me a good 2 solid years to come from making the decision and wanting to leave it all behind to where I am today. Numerous detox attempts, counselling and medicated assistance.

Going from smoking crystal-meth through a crack pipe on a daily basis to having a few beers at night before bed has been a massive change for me. Now I'm wanting to kick the alcohol, at least for six months, and see how I go. My GP has once again prescribed me with valium to help with the initial withdrawal period. I've been through withdrawal countless times so the physical part is a non-issue for me.

What get's me is the junkie urge inside. I know it will never go away, my GP tells me this, everybody tells me this and as much as I wish it weren't true, sadly it is the truth and I just need to learn to live with it. Although over time I know it will become easier to deal with.

It's not that things like depression or stress trigger the need for me to want to use again, although the thought definitely crosses my mind, it's getting easier and easier to dismiss. I just miss getting loaded and lying around, be it on my bed or at a fellow users place, and just totally letting go of everything for just a few hours. It's almost an escape from reality, but I'm really starting to enjoy life and I LOVE reality and all the ups and downs it brings.

But on occasion, like today, which is why I'm posting this, I have a day off work, too mentally exhausted to do any home office work, too physically tired to exercise or be active today, I just want to go out, grab a beer, smoke a bit of hash and pop a couple of valiums to go with it. I know if I do this it'll remind me of how good it is to feel that way and make my recovery all so much more difficult.

Junkies everywhere always say, "I just wish I could use, just one more time" and that is exactly how I'm feeling right now. It's only been a few days since I put a stop to drinking at night before bed, and already I'm feeling a hundred times better than I did a week ago. But I just so badly want to spend the day mellowing out in my room, listening to music or watching some classic-comedy and totally relaxing.

It doesn't help that my Mum and her partner are usually pretty heavy drinkers on weekends, in fact I just heard them cracking open a beer each in the other room as I'm typing this. I'm 23 this year, 'borderline alcoholic' Mother, smack and speed needle user biological Father, pot-heads and drug addicts dominate two-thirds of my family on my Mothers and biological Fathers side.

My Step-Father raised me from the age of two or three and he comes from a Christian family, so my upbringing and childhood was pretty crazy, lot's of mixed messages and confusing role-models all over the place. However I'm set on my goals for the future and I fed up with falling back into old habits and routines.

Thank you for taking the time to read this, any and all comments are welcomed with wide open arms. Please be honest and forward with your replies and I'll appreciate it.

Perhaps I should just take single valium and mellow, just to take the edge off this junkie craving of mine.