I met Annie around 6 months ago, I'm 25 and shes 20. She was part of a group of people I went on holidays with, I had only just met her. She became attracted to me even though she feels she is or wants to be a lesbian. She has been abused by men in the past and has been caught in some horrible relationships so I understand why this has happened. Over the period of the holiday it went from her wanting sex with me to her wanting a relationship with me, keep in mind this is my first serious relationship ever. We got along great, I knew parts of her past but she was very open to me and wanted to tell me everything knowing that she might as well seeing as how i'd find out anyway. she was at the time self harming and has scars on her arms and legs, this isn't a problem in my eyes I don't judge people.
We have had a very up and down relationship so far, broken up due to her feelings changing (feeling unattracted to me/men) twice, mostly because we thought that it's not right trying to force her to love and be with me if it doesn't feel right. I've been there for her to the best of my abilities. Sometimes when she was down I'd get down to and I'm only just now learning what it is that I have to do in a relationship with her. Since we formed our relationship I've managed to help her stop harming herself and she is no longer suicidal to my knowledge. I felt like we had a great relationship and that we love each other very much. although she can be very up or down, she was never down so much where she would say hurtful things, just feeling like she isn't attracted to me and various small problems like stupid arguments that should't of happened.
Recently we moved out of the house we were living in because we were living with lazy friends and the house was causing Annie to feel down, this was due to lazy house mates and an environment where she couldn't accomplish much in life due to all the distractions (she wants so much out of her life but is held back by her condition). We moved into my parents house, they are extremely nice and supportive people who care about Annie very much. Everything was going pretty good, some problems but nothing that was avoidable in my eyes due to my lack of knowledge/experience with her and women in general. She wanted to start paying rent because she had recently started working again and everything seemed fine. On father's day I went to have lunch with my dads parents and Annie went to her fathers house. I come home that evening and her belongings are all gone. She had moved back home to her parents house because of many given reasons. she felt like she needed space, that she needs time to herself and that I'm distracting because when shes with me all she can thing about is me, that she needed to go home and care for her brother because he had been beaten recently, and that she wasn't 100% comfortable at my parents house, all these things were new to me, I had not been made aware of any of them till i asked her why she moved - main thing is we were still together.
So shes at home with her parents, her mother is mentally ill to the best of my knowledge. she uses a lot of pych abuse to control Annies life which started when she was around 13, When Annie was living with me her mother would say things to her like "what do they have that we dont have" "what makes his family so great" and things along this line, I'm 99% sure her mother sub consciously made Annie feel guilty for living with my family but she didn't have a choice really, her mother upsets her when she lives at home she had moved out of her home around 10 times. but her mother is trouble and didn't want our relationship to exist. Even though I helped Annie more than anyone has managed to in the past (simply by loving her) Her mother still rejects me and doesn't agree with Annie being with me. I'm not a bad guy and I have done nothing to Annie or her family to make her feel this way the mother is just prone to try and control Annies life for reasons unknown fully to me. Their relationship has always been a strange one, most of the relationship issues between Annie and her parents, Annie can't see. I can't exactly explain these underlying issues to her due to risk of upsetting her or making her see me as an enemy.
Just recently she broke up with me, she tells me she is out of love with me, that she doesn't feel the same, that I slowly changed and that she doesn't see me in a sexual way. Told me that she doesn't want a relationship with anyone at the moment and that she just wants time to herself and her own space for getting her life together, I think this is because she recently had huge improvement with her condition and finally feels able to work and study again, before this healing she was afraid to go outside let alone go to work, and before meeting me she was suffering extremely badly from all sorts of issues including hallucination (visual and auditory) paranoia and severe dejavu. I feel like a lot of the reasons she gives me for not wanting a relationship are fake or invalid and a lot of the things she says about how she feels about me are untrue. That some of her issues she has with me are hypocritical and untrue. I feel like she just wants to leave me so I can move on and be happy and that her condition/mother dictates her feeling most of the time. I can't tell if she still loves me or not, she has been though hell in her life and all I want to do is to be there for her in every way I possibly can but I don't know how.
We decided to be friends so we could still be there for each other but she felt like she doesn't love me only now cares about me. When she finally came over to see me after we broke up the first thing she did was kiss me, which led to a conversation and later sex. She seems completely confused in life and I just want to support her and keep her happy anyway I can, her happiness means more to me than anyone can imagine. this sort of "friends" relationship went on for about 2 weeks, we saw each other about 3-4 times, we were intimate twice. every time we talk about her feeling and about why we broke up I seem to get a slightly different story, the reason we talked about this a lot was due to my confusion, I probably pushed the point a little bit too much not realizing how much time and space a person in this condition needs. I still don't really understand why it is that we broke up but basically it's because she fell out of love with me and that her feeling towards men made her not feel attracted to me and that mostly it wasn't my fault she just feels like this and doesn't really know why. She feels like she needs to be alone and that she doesn't want anyone in her life at the moment but if she was to want someone again that it might be me.
I was feeling a little down and I receive a phone call from Annie, she wanted me to go find a clothing item of hers that she might of left at my house. I wasn't in a very good mood and she could sense it, I wasn't offensive or anything but I made the phonecall short and after we said goodbye to each other I got a text from her asking what my problem was, she was drunk at the time. we texted a little back and forth but I kept it short due to my mood and I thought everything was fine although I was aware that I may have been a little bit careless on the phone. Then later on I get a text saying that She hates me and never wants me to talk to her again, that I make her mad and the bad things outweigh the good and that she wants me out of her life. I ask why and I get an explanation that I don't really agree with, that I'm a liar and that I hurt her feeling etc, keep in mind I don't lie to her, I do everything I can to be honest for the sake of her feelings. I sent her a text back explaining that I don't know why she is saying this and how I'm not a liar etc wasn't the most supportive response in retrospect but I wasn't rude or anything I was just upset by this and wanted her to sober up and rethink what she said the next day.
This was 2 days ago and I haven't heard from her since, I hear some people going through this take a while to come back but Annie is usually pretty good and doesn't stay down too long as long as someone is around to cheer her up, but living with her parents doesn't help.
Everyone I talk to (mostly friends) tells me I should move on, to ignore her and to find someone else, that I'll be better off and that being friends can't and won't work after being in a relationship. No part of me wants to give up or move on, I'm so torn inside. I can't tell if she loves me or not, I can't tell if she really doesn't want a relationship or not. I can't tell how she really feels and now I can't even tell if she hates me of if she will ever talk to me again :'(
I don't know what to do, I want to be there and to help her even if she truly doesn't love me I love her with all my heart and I just want to support her anyway I can, even if that means just being strictly a friend and thats all then thats fine. I feel deep down that she still loves me, my intuition in general is very good and I know Annie extremely well, Even if she doesn't I still want to give her space and time and not push anything on her, let her make the decision to come back to me if she ever feels like she wants to but in the mean time I just want to be able to talk to her and help her with day to day issues that she suffers from.
I would literally do anything in the world for this person, she is amazing, it's a waste of time for me to even try explain how incredible she is so I wont, but she cant see it, she has lost her confidence and her self esteem. She fails to realize that she is still that amazing happy person she once knew before she was sexual abused by her grandfather and a random friend at a party, she was only at this party because her parents kicked her out when she was 16, and the grandfather i'm not sure how that happened, her mother has also told her that she was a mistake, an accident and blames Annie for her mental health issues. Just though i'd mention some of the underlying issues.
Basically I'm just looking for guidance, All I wanted to do is live with her and help her because I love her. She said things to me like I love you, Please don't EVER leave me, I want a baby with you, I want to grow old together. It's all going downhill I'm worried that without me in her life no one will be there to stop her from relapsing and getting back into the bad place she once was. I just want her to be happy in life no matter what she chooses to do.
Oh my, please read your post. This girl is terribly ill. Your friends are right,you need to move on. Stop all communication. Heal from the damage she has done and focus on getting yourself well. Why would you want any part of this family? Good grief, they are a mess. Don't ruin your life, end this. Find someone terrific to love and who will love you back.
This is a hard lesson, but we all have learned you can't change these people, you are enabling their behavior, and it will only progress.
Lastly, bipolar and mental health is genetic. The chances of mentally ill children is high. Look at her family history. It speaks for itself.
She is probably not lying to you. That is how she feels. Bipolar disorder is characterized by an imbalance of neurotransmitters that often manifests itself in long bouts of mania and depression. People with this disorder can feel madly in love one minute and feel cold the next. If you do not understand why then it might be hard to grasp how they can tell you how much they want to get married and have children one week and that they no longer have feelings for you and want to break up the next.
There is no cure. With the right drug combination (which are often difficult to discover) and significant therapy and education to improve insight, people with bipolar disorder can learn to handle their disorder in a way that is healthy and conducive to relationships.
Is she in therapy? Does she regularly see her doctor and religiously take her medication? If not, is she likely to in the near future?
If the answer to these questions is "no", there is probably very little you can do. You do not have to abandon her or run away (like some people might suggest), but you are going to be a lot healthier if you are not in a relationship where your happiness is dependent on her emotional state. If she is serious about getting healthy, then the relationship might have some potential, but you both have to be willing to work very hard.
My friend, I recognize all you saidm I went through it all with my ex, telling me how much he loved me, sending me texts in the morning telling me I love you, saying amazing things and later hurting me like hell, saying he had sex with somebody else, saying he liked her, a day later saying the opposite, he didnt like her even as a friend, calling me 5 times a day and after going uncommunicado for days on end, saying that he did not have sexual communication with me, this after a year of a most amazing relationship, coming and going, saying horrendous things and phoning me an hour later to say sorry, or sending two emails the same day, one hating me and the other loving me to bits, sooooooooooooo confusing, so painful, we are now separated and im dating other people, the pain , the rejection, the changes in feeling, everything nearly got me crazy, there was no way I could cope with one day being warm and nice next could not hold my hand, jumped at my touch, etc. Crazy stuff Bipolar.
I read your post and wanted to reply since I am bipolar. Not everyone is the same. Does she know she's bipolar? has she been diagnosed or in treatment?
You sound like an amazing person to hang around that long and still love her. That is so rare! The stigma usually kills it. For example, I get punished for what someone else with bipolar does because they didn't seek help.
When someone runs around the way she is, and stays out, it's usually because they have no idea what to do, can't cope with their thoughts or feelings. I do remember I did the same to people -when you said she sensed your bad mood and asked what was your problem- that meant I wanted attention but had no idea what was going on in my head, you know?
I live at home as well and have the same problems with my mother...Annie sounds so much like me lol..wow. I can say the pressure from my mother and trying to save money so I can get out doesn't help the depressive/rage phase of bipolar disorder.
If she's willing to get help, there are good options. Just don't say "you need help" that phrase is used often and can be hurtful.
A lot of people are afraid to get help because of the stigma we face and the fear of being called "crazy".
On TV or in the movies, you see a patient lying down and doctor seated not far from them writing on a clipboard. I've never had that happen. A lot of therapists now are more compassionate. Support groups are awesome. Everyone there is like you so it would make her feel less alone and give her a place to vent so she doesn't feel like she has to on you.
Cognitive therapy and behavioral therapy teach what emotion goes where, I guess. Or what to do when it gets too overwhelming. You could mention this if you want to.
There are also support groups for families/loved ones of people who are mentally ill. If she says no to any kind of treatment and continues to hurt you, even I would say it's not worth it. You deserve to be happy.
It's a vicious cycle: When I think I've hurt someone or had a mixed cycle (mania and depression) I would apologize as soon as possible. Then, I'd end up doing it again without realizing it. I've known some people to disappear for a day or two so they can "be alone" or get themselves together. They never got that they didn't have to do that.
Hope I helped some. I just thought I'd share my perspective. x
hi, i read your post and my heart goes out to you. Truly and honestly. Im bipolor and borderline depreesed so 9 times out of 10 i do things like that to my ex boyfriend. I think i literally drove him to insanity! He even cried once and told me that he had run out of ways to help me. Keep in mind i try to be happy but i cant im too sensitive and i like to be free i bounce back in forth. I love with all my heart but with my decease it doesnt last long. In my opinion you may want to save Annie maybe even protect her but truth of the matter is you will never achieve it until shes better on her own. The bad part about that is no matter how much you try to help her it will never be good enough. We tend to be the victims and feel evryone is being cruel to us and dont truly understand us. N its a vicuious cycle but so on and so that will be how it turns out. Help yourself first. N let Annie find herself and real mental help. As for your relationship and life; i truly wish you the best. Ps.. Remember you cant fall behind over someone else misery. Dont do that to yourself.
Hey man Im essentially in the same boat. My ex had a tough upbringing, dad was a drug addict, mom is an alchoholic and her parents never showed her love from a young age. She also has had a tough last break up and always seemed to make decisions based on it. We went on 6 weeks of essentially no contact and let me tell you that was hell. I feel the same way about my girl that you seem to do, love them so much, you just want to help. Its hard to believe that their feelings just went away, and that they can move on just like that when you were so deep in love with eachother. For now shes left school, started meds and is trying to get emotion back in general. I dont know what to believe anymore and it sucks everytime she tells me her feelings are gone, all emotions and I see her posting on her friends walls that she loves her friends etc. All i can offer as advice is that just be patient, help any way you can and just try to be the best friend you can. You seem to be doing that and thats good. Dont make any hint of being in a relationship again, dont pressure her into anything. Sometimes showing someone you love is by simply letting go, even if its only for a little.
Hey guys, thanks for all your advice... been a little busy with annie.
She went to a party the night that she called me and she was sexually abused for the third time in her life. She went home and told her parents but she ended up being blamed by both parents for putting herself in the situation to begin with etc. She came back to me because she was feeling terrible and apologized for the negative things she said. At first she wanted to move away with me to get away from everything and that she felt that she couldn't be around her parents anymore. After going back home to get some clothes and to talk to her parents she is now unsure about moving away from them. They managed to make her feel guilty about leaving them again and made her feel like her moving away shows them how much she doesn't appreciate what they do for her.
I went to see her psychiatrist with her and he talked about what he believes is wrong with annie, he has been her doctor for about 6-7 months now. He believes annie suffers from post traumatic stress disorder, and her other issues stem from this and that once she learns to deal with her PTSD that everything else will fade. I'm not 100% sure if I agree but it seems logical, the states she gets into resembles bi polar and borderline personality but not as severe. She is in control of her feelings a lot more than I think I managed to explain, we get along great and she usually stays stable with me for a long time. Her parents hate me, they think i'm a loser, a drug addict and that I want to steal annie away and abuse her and that I'm violent. I'm none of these things and they refuse to even talk to me, I literally can't go to her house and prove myself to them. After finding out that annie wanted to run away with me the father told annie if he sees me in the street he will attack me, apparently he was shaking from adrenaline when he said this. She is so influenced by her parents that even when they are being irrational and hypocritical, annie can't see it. She is aware it's all ridiculous for a while after they upset her but it doesn't take long for them to I guess "brainwash" her into feeling like it's all ok and that they care about her. Truth is they don't. Her mum and dad have some serious issues with letting go of control of annie and letting her live her life with their best wishes.
I'm giving her all the space I can, letting her make her own moves and decisions. Every time I make some progress and I have her feeling like moving with me is a good idea and that I can care for her, she goes home for whatever reason and my hard work is destroyed in minutes.
I feel like in order for annie to heal and to get more stability/happiness in her life she needs to remove all the negative stressful things in her life. Issue is all the problems so far in her life can be traced back to her parents and their in-ability to care for annie correctly. From not letting her out of the house from about 13 years old to controlling her every move, going through her phone/diary and not supporting any plans she makes unless the plans are injected by her parents right up to this day. It's horrible, it even makes my mum and dad sad and frustrated to hear what annie is going through. My mother has a very strong understanding of mental health and feels so bad that annie is torn between a physiological abusive family that she feels she can't leave because it will show them that she doesn't appreciate them - and me, a man who cares and loves annie for who she is and would do anything in the world for her.
These are so many ways to handle this and so many outcomes, the best being me somehow getting back the ability to communicate with her family and have them accept me as a person and to wish me and annie well together. This unfortunately is seemingly impossible for many reasons. I feel like the best thing I can do is just give her space and time, she says she loves me as a person but isn't inlove with me anymore but she wants to be. and that she wants to just take it slow and hope it all works out. This is good enough for me and I appreciate her ability to be strong after going through the hell that she has, I just want to take her away and make her feel special and loved and to give her back the feeling for life that I know she once had, shes my angel.
Figured I should just spend quality time with her and not talk about all the stressful BS. just try to have wonderful times together. Planning a small holiday with her and a picnic on the beach this tuesday.
I think I have a plan of what to do but I'd like to hear what you guys think, I don't think annie is beyond help and that I should leave her for my own health, At least not yet. I just don't feel that her case is hopeless I know she is my first love and all but I don't think I'm blinded by that, I'm pretty switched on. She has come a long way and she is strong willed. I just hope that I'm not getting myself deeper into a useless situation with no hope. She deserves a good life and to feel good about herself, and I want to give that to her any way I can.
Thanks again everyone, you have been really helpful <3