the cathedral of mercy killing

Anything I could say will be trite and unnecessary. I hope you can make it through this alive (for a bit longer), but I understand that your torment pushes you and is driving you crazier than you already know yourself to be. As meaningless as other people's lives can seem and their possessions are, I urge you not to do anything rash. There is truth and there is relative truth, and your relative perception of truth does not supersede their relative truth, regardless of how little TRUTH they perceive. For all the things you, or I, or anyone sees we have to accept the possibility, not just entertain it, that we might be wrong. What if your wife's right and hell would be an eternity of ghost bugs...though that was said in desperation for a lack of meaningful words to say. Unfortunately we both know there's unlikely to be any change in your condition (without a complete overhaul of the mental health field). But consider that you can live in a state of 'bearable survivability', whatever that means, and that this current state of being, with its extremity, is not permanent. I can't tell what to do. I can't even tell you what I would do, and you haven't asked for either. But, to a man - from a man who doesn't pray, I'm praying for you buddy. And if you do run out of options, call someone for help, regardless of the limitation of their scope and ability to affect a real change.

"Nobody here! Get's out alive!"

Jim morrison

I can't believe Jim Morrison had 500 hits of acid, it's what I always think about when I stare at him in videos.
OK, here's the happy ending to the story, where the ghost bugs go away for good. It's been 25 years but halfway through I had it this bad, and I fixed it. And I know I can fix it in a few days, done it a handful of times. It's hard, you get this bad, rock bottom, then at some point the survival instinct pushes all out concentration, research, I mean yeah I'm so stupid I fixed this and then forgot how and broke it so bad again, but society around me sure is confusing, misleading, dangerously assumeing it's right when it's not - I mean pushing psych meds left and right! and the shamans are, well, not as bad cause they don't do thtat kind of harm, but they are just as lost. Even the santeria lady, knows the mites are real but couldn't tell me how to stop seeing them.
Pdocs causing terrible harm even when they mean well and believe in what they are doing. This is why the taoists are always writing about not-doing, by not doing, society would have done me way more good, because the point where survivalist researching and concentration and putting two and two together kicks in, I can figure it out, but like I used to say it's as complex as piloting a 747, flying instrument rated and landing on the river, in a situation like this, I mean check out bird mites dot org, there are several others expereinceing what I've been describing for weeks, months, not years, and they are talking suicide pack hopelessness and dangerous clorox skin burning grasping. I can land this thing. Here's how it goes.

I had fixed it with the "too much dopamine" idea, stopped reading, talking, listening, watching, and just sat in an apartment I'd thrown everything out from and, most importantly, I was sitting there in the window eating nothing but one apple a day. Fixed this in three days. I added back the new yor times and everything else little by little, then the increasing food, and eventually came up with eating anything I wanted before noon, trying to throw in some more salads and veggies, and then after noon or one - stop! - nothing. And I was on that diet for years, steady, stable, several years at a time ghost bugs were just a vague reason I liked sleeping on a mat on the floor instead of a mattress, but that was it, otherwise I'd get real normal, oblivious to the mite migrations in the room.

And I researched in NY at the medical library, something we really can't do in california, and I had a theory. It made sense and it was working. I brought it to my allergist, where I was getting shots weekly, working on this thing from every angle, and that did also help but I only did a few months and it wore off after a few years. Gotta do it again !!! And he liked to teach, he'd write all over the white paper covering the patient's table while explaining things to me and would rip it off and give it to me at the end of the session. And I came to him one week with this theory.

I had heard about leaky gut syndrome, and this was in the early days of the internet, there wasn't much on this, no bird mites dot org, there was a sleep dot net that had some people complaining about exactly this, and I was a leader helping a few people a year, telling them to sleep on the side of the refrigerator like me and not eat after 12 like me. But now I had a sceintific explanation, which my doctor agreed was possible.


The leaky gut - a quasi medical thing all on several websites now, it just occured to me today as I had this thing quelled overnight on a ton of antihistamine and zero food, then I came to work today, went to the cafeteria, had their beef vegetable soup and a turkey sandwhich with cheese on rye, and broke out in extremem ghost bugs from the distended stomach skin area out to the rest of the body by the time I was back in my dilbert cube.

I was itching so bad I was gonna freak out and leave early, but it stopped after a couple of hours. Obviously a food allergy, and then I remembered the leaky gut thing, googled those websites, and I remebered this part, finally.

The leaky gut lets the mold and large proteins out into the blood, where a kid with extreme allergies as it is just goes nuts, that explains the internal ghost bugs, the ones that are still there, under the skin in the veins and arteries, even when I'm under hot water, well differentiated from the mites in the hotel rooms of america.

I know not to do dairy after 12 or it's like I deserve the infestation. I love a maui zaui at round table! I love a good cheesburger and fries! And the gut acidifying oolong tea I like to push the envelope of mental exertion with. A kid with a leaky gut growing up pretty much unled in term s of nutiritional advise in new york city.

But the whole thing can lead to a cascade reaction that actually amplifies the incoming nerve signals on the skin. The outside of the skin is actually as sensitive as the inside of the asthma sufferer's lungs.


The doctor said "do I believe you, yes. Does this make sense, yes. Will the FDA allow me to prescribe singulair for this for you? Absolutely not", and then it's another story with a temprary pet guinea pig giving me allergy induced asthma, how I end up with singulair a few weeks later, which I'm on now, but it's not working because I'm overwhelming it in the wrong direction by eating what america has been suggesting I eat.

So the ghost bugs are real, they are the dust mites and mold spores of the microscopic world, and when a kid becomes aware of that maddening world, he starts coming up with hallucinations, to rationalize what he is feeling and knows is real, but can't see and can't reconcile with the people around him. It's like scabies but only on one person, it doesn't spread, except by hanging out and talking with me for a long time. And in other people it always goes away when they get away from me, but me, I never get away from this crazy character.

I am eating my clove of garlic now. And no more food for me. Just raw yam, garlic, bananas, brown rice, in here - and a little extra virgin olive oil, I don't know about that. But people can fast, I worked with a tech instructor who had that religion where you fast all day, and he was doing it, my job is not that stressful, I'm used to working harder but I think I'll sit back and eat garlic and stink and click a few citrix clicks once in a while in my cube.

I have to pretty much fast for a few days, and then my diet for sixty to ninety days has to be pretty extreme. This is perfect, being by myself out here in ohio, because that's how this gets so bad every time: I get a wife, and then I try to live a normal life, if she's eating a pig tail with H Pylori dancing on it for dinner, then I'm doing it too, for the bonding. I'm gonna get this plane in safely in a few days, my own little miracle on the hudson, and I'm gonna do my three month contract out here, and I'm gonna muster the willpower to do the ridiculous diet - I mean that's the real problem most of the time, that's why you have to hit rock bottom, to get some more will power - and then bam, I bet I'll go back to cheeseburgers pizza and ice cream eventually, plane flying high again and engines ready to explode, cause hey, round table maui zaui and lee shan oolong tea - that's what I am really made of!!!


(W)onderdonk(EY)
HEE HHEE HHEE HHEEE HHEE HHHEEE HHEEEE

Funny, when I was first trying to determine the etymology of your name that was the first thing that came to mind, but I thought to myself; no, that's just silly. Now it's hilarious.

I used to live in queens, near the border of brooklyn, and the bus every day to the L train passed by a street named Onderdonk. There was a place there called Onderdonk house. Never went in, but the name stuck in my schizotypal head. Wonderdonkey was a natural development.

Something is seriously wrong with me. I am still in a five or six hour long extreme case of ghost bugs,
just got home took my shirt off, long red streaks of hives all over my back,
atleast I wsa walking the last hour, but for five hours to have to sit in that cubicle, being stung all over,
can't function, can't work, I am afraid this ploace is going to be like the last two, I'm about five days in and if
tomorrow goes like today I can't imagine I'm gonna take it, I left a little early but made it to 5 atleast today,
but I tried, I really tired, I did an extreme diet, and still something went terribly wrong. I have had this before, and fixed it,
but it was never this extreme. In the last few years I've gotten much worse. I can't eat anything, anything at all, not a drop of juice,
allergic to all food. No, I get away with apples and bananas. But the brown rice, the dried goya beans, and a fried sweet potatoe, and the half a bottle of juice,
pure poison, can never eat like that again. Apples and bananas. And who knows how much of that till it attacks too.
spent 30 bucks on the bifidus regularis pills, got it out of the desperation of feeling like this all day
and reading all the leaky gut syndrome stuff on the web. But it's no magic bullet, just something to add to a 60 day fasting regimen.
I don't have 60 days to get this off of me, I have the next few hours, it's been way too long, I cannot take this.

It's worrying how the mood swings in me, actually, and how much I go through and how far. Last weekend it was horrible,
had no idea how I'd make it through the next few hours most of the time, just perservered like I always do,
then when I got all allergic yesterday at lunch - that time i deserved it! turkey and CHEESE on RYE with beef vegetable soup and a whole glass of grape juice.
But though I suffered for three hours yesterday, it eventually stopped, today it never did, and I thought I did so much better.
I'm craving sugar, carbs, and greasy burger/pizza food, all of which I can't have, ever, atleast for months to years.
The craving isn't really the issue, but I was so happy this morning, last night I ate my garlic and it almost felt like a cure.
No ghost bugs all night, (up on the dresser with my legs extended on the ironing board), but today it's the extreme stinging kind.

I will go to just apples and bananas but I worry that nutrition will become a problem, I don't know how long I can fast like that and still work,
this is going to become a suicidal fast, a hunger strike, but I would prefer to die of hunger, which really isn't suicide, than eat lunch and experience what i did today.

I can't understand why it's so bad and I am worried that I go from desperate to elated to desperate so quickly, in the space of a few minutes, as it comes over me.

I just got home, sit here in the infestation with the AC on, since it's like 110 degrees heat factor outside, and I took two benedryl, and I'm gonna start chewing garlic,, and that's all I can do, but this is not gonna work long term, even if that does get it off me, I'm afraid to eat all food.

The web pages about leaky gut syndrome say it's not regular doctors, you need to find some other kind of practitioner right away, they say. I think I just need an extremely restricted diet, I just don't understand how restricted, or what the minimum requirement is to live.

And in this situation, inspiration is becomming a serious problem too. I used to enjoy the wine, the maui zaui, the burger and fries, now they say never again old dog. AndI used to like hanging out with my wife but now I have to work here for the forseeable future, and even being home, there's no point with wild porcupines attacking me twenty four seven. Finding the inspiration to make life worth living, much less worth putting up with this kind of torture, is becomming very difficult.

Just needed to vent. gonna start chewing garlic and hope for the best