In the past week with Thanksgiving I've had three different realizations.
I have no family. The little family I have left will dissapear as soon as my mom passes. I have no friends. Last May,the girl who I thought was my best friend turned against me and got the rest of my friends to hate me. I remember even as a first grader swinging on the swings alone wondering if there was something wrong with me and why no one talked to me. I lost my long term boyfriend yesterday and also the guy who I still truly love that I lost my virginity to.
For months I've had this fear that I'll go through my life alone and follow my dad's lifestyle of being isolated. I've gone through depression before with suicidal thoughts and cutting. In my mind now I have no temptations of cutting, but the thoughts have creeped back. I know I am stable but I'm miserable. I cry a lot about the future being an old woman sitting alone in some decrepit apartment. I'm only 14... I don't think I should have this fear.
I'm so sorry you're going through this I was the same way at 14. I used to self harm often and have the same thoughts. My best friend did the same to me! I ended up switching schools. At first I hated it but my youth pastor noticed me and began talking to and helping me. Then his family got involved. I never thought anyone would notice me like that.
Finding someone to talk to -a youth pastor, parent, teacher, therapist- is a huge help.
I know personally, the future changes. I'm 24 now and at 14 I didn't really think I'd get any better. I know it's painful but just remember that things change. Things get better.
You have so much ahead of you and you never know, the future could be great. You'll meet a lot of cool people along the way. Just hang in there!
Try focusing on something you enjoy. I was into art, theatre, which was and still is, calming and distracting.
Just know that you're not alone!