Mental Health
> Self Injury Forum
> Tell someone I cut ?
TOPICS
DOCTOR QUESTIONS
Mental Health Topics
Q: Tell someone I cut ?
asked by:
Gracie012
on September 28th, 2009
Experienced User
Ok, well I started cutting about 8 months ago now. I'm 15 years old, but according to everyone else I am "old natured". So I guess I dont act 15...
I like to keep everything to myself, I dont like burdening others with my troubles at all. I despise doing so. So I just dont. I keep everything to myself, I dont tell anyone how im truly feeling. I dont want them worrying over me. I like also to keep my privacy. It scares me to think that someone would know everything about me, even though at the same time it sounds kind of nice. I trust way to easily, which is why I revert to a lot to not trusting anyone at all. Just because I find that I cant find a happy medium. Its the same way with eating disorders. If you cant stay on a diet, then you try to put eating out of your mind completly. You either eat or you dont. That simple. So thats what happens sometimes with me, I just cant find it in myself to trust anyone, though I know I should. The problem is, whenever I trust someone, I get hurt really badly. I naturally think that trust is something that I give everybody, till they disprove me. And when they disprove me, I know it. And I'm left sccared.
You see, I worry all the time about everything and everyone. Which, I have reason too. See, I guess you could sort of call me a councelor. My friends tell me EVERYTHING that their thinking about, whats on their hearts, their past. Just everything. And its not just my friends. Adults trust me, even complete strangers. Several times I meet someone for the first time, and take me off to the side and tell me their entire past history and what their struggling with now. Most the time they tell me that they have never told anyone what they told me before! I dont even say to words to the person, and they confide in me their darkest secrets. My "gift" has been called The Ears to listen. What I always struggle with though, is why would God give me the ears to listen, and not the hands to heal? I can listen for hours and hours on end to someone(and I have before) and not get bored. I genuenly care about all of these people. But I cant do anything to help them! Its like a sick, cruel joke or something. Each new story or burden I hear, becomes my burden. It tears me appart. I hurt so much for them, and I just never know how to handle it. After a while, I started thinking that I'm forcing people to talk to me. Like they had to other choice. So I started not talking, so people would have a choice to talk to me or not. It didnt work. I wouldnt say anything to anyone, and still strangers would tell me things. My friends now resort to me as just a councelor, since I still dont like to talk much. Just out of habit now, plus according to my youth pastors wife, I have a guilty personality. I stress and worry about everything and everyone. I just want to dissapear and never be thought of again. I dont like myself at all, and excpectially dont love myself. I know I should, but I dont. I dont like how I look, or how I act or behave or anything. I always feel like I'm saying something wrong or hurtful to people. I feel like I only cause harm, since I cant heal the people who talk to me...
I cut, for release and calm. It sooths me during a panick attack, or after I fight with my parents on something. I cut, and I'm focused on the blood and how it feels, and I stop crying and calm down. Its how I deal with everything, its how I release what all is going on in my loved ones lives... at first I did it for punishment. Like I was punishing myself for not being able to help anyone, and I thought that if I punished myself, that their problems might just go away. I want to take aways their burdens and put it on myself. None of my loved ones should have to go through what their going at all. I wish so bad that I could help them, but I cant. No one can, and it hurts so bad...
My youth pastor wants me to start talking to him or someone about what is going on. He can see in my eyes that im getting depressed again. He knows me very well, and somehow he knows what im thinking without even having to ask me. He says that he went through the same thing when he was my age, and even almost attempted suicide. He says we are very much alike, but I cant believe that. He is so good and amazing and wonderful, I wish I was that. But I know I'm not. I look at him like my spiritual-human father. HE is the one person I respect the most in this world. Haha, and he knows what makes me uncomfortable, and he does it. Like, telling me that he cares about me and loves me and that I am perfect, and he laughs at my little curks during youth group and tries to get me to feel accepted. He tries to get me to talk about myself, and I hate that. And he knows it. Thats why he does it. But if im gonna tell someone about my cutting, then it would be him. But, then he would tell my parents. And im not sure if I want them knowing...
But I cant talk about it. I have tried. It's all emotions. Its like I have two personalitys and ideas fighting against each other ont his subject. One side is saying that I need to tell someone cause this isnt healthy at all, and that im hurting the people who I love the most by separating myself from them. And that im worrying them and hurting them, which is what I tried to avoid by separating from them... But then the other side is screaming in my head that im crazy for even thinking that their hurting over me! How can I ever even think that they care about me! That I am this worthless peice of trash that shouldnt be living at all. I'm not doing any good. I'm not helping my Saviour at all by being here. I dont deserve his love... And then the emotions I'm feeling for my friends...impossible to describe.
Anyways, at the risk of rambling, this is what I'm struggling with. I cant figure out what I should do! I dont feel worthy to get help, even if I wanted it. I feel like I'm not worth fixing. But what is the point of being happy? I dont feel liek there is a point, it feels selfish. That im trying to get myself to be happy. Feels pointless...
So here are my questions.
-Why should I tell my Youth pastor I'm cutting?
-If so, whats the point? Why does it matter that someone knows I cut? Is there really any point? Whats the big deal? Its not like im trying to kill myself? So whats the big deal?
-If not, then what are the reasons why I shouldnt tell him?
-Then anything from my book of a post that anyone woulod like to comment on.
I am really struggling with this decistion, so if anyone can help me then I would appreciate that more than you could know...
Thanks,
Graice.
|
Replies(4)
fitzherbert
replied on October 4th, 2009
New User
Hello Graice.
I'm so pleased I found your post. About 18 months ago I started cutting myself too, but what suprised me most is that the reasons I did it, are the exact reasons you do. When I finally realised why I was doing it, I was so shocked because I always thought I was confident and outgoing. The truth is quite the opposite. The only difference between us is that I started cutting myself when I was 30. Now, looking back I can see that I've always been unhappy. Not sad, but somehow very disconnected from everything around me. It's as if I can see what's happening, but not really feel it. It's as if I can't understand 'fun', I find myself watching my boyfriend and his friends talking for hours about nothing and they have a great time, which I can see, but I don't understand how.
Like you I didn't want to tell anyone, simply because I didn't want the attention - because I feel I don't deserve the attention.
My advice to you would be to only tell your Youth Pastor about cutting yourself if you can't stop cutting. Don't forget that some people drink to release, some people bash the hell out of drums, we all have a way of venting it's when we become dependent on it that it becomes a problem. You know if you're dependent because you have a constant hunger for it. If that's not you, then just stop cutting and I only say that because you're using it as a crutch and you don't need it. Why? Because there is nothing abnormal with what you're feeling.
I wish I was 15 when I figured all this out because I wasted 15 years of my life not knowing.
In your post, you don't talk about the things you do or want to do. Do you have any aspirations? Any dreams? You're young and with the whole world at your feet. Anything is possible and I'm not talking about finding things that make you happy, I'm talking about just doing things for no other reason than you can. Maybe you'll never be all apple pie deleriously ecstatic, but who cares? Live your life to the full no matter what and let the rest take care of itself. When we can do anything we put our minds to, then why the hell shouldn't we?
I hope this helps you as much as reading your post helped me. H.
I'm so pleased I found your post. About 18 months ago I started cutting myself too, but what suprised me most is that the reasons I did it, are the exact reasons you do. When I finally realised why I was doing it, I was so shocked because I always thought I was confident and outgoing. The truth is quite the opposite. The only difference between us is that I started cutting myself when I was 30. Now, looking back I can see that I've always been unhappy. Not sad, but somehow very disconnected from everything around me. It's as if I can see what's happening, but not really feel it. It's as if I can't understand 'fun', I find myself watching my boyfriend and his friends talking for hours about nothing and they have a great time, which I can see, but I don't understand how.
Like you I didn't want to tell anyone, simply because I didn't want the attention - because I feel I don't deserve the attention.
My advice to you would be to only tell your Youth Pastor about cutting yourself if you can't stop cutting. Don't forget that some people drink to release, some people bash the hell out of drums, we all have a way of venting it's when we become dependent on it that it becomes a problem. You know if you're dependent because you have a constant hunger for it. If that's not you, then just stop cutting and I only say that because you're using it as a crutch and you don't need it. Why? Because there is nothing abnormal with what you're feeling.
I wish I was 15 when I figured all this out because I wasted 15 years of my life not knowing.
In your post, you don't talk about the things you do or want to do. Do you have any aspirations? Any dreams? You're young and with the whole world at your feet. Anything is possible and I'm not talking about finding things that make you happy, I'm talking about just doing things for no other reason than you can. Maybe you'll never be all apple pie deleriously ecstatic, but who cares? Live your life to the full no matter what and let the rest take care of itself. When we can do anything we put our minds to, then why the hell shouldn't we?
I hope this helps you as much as reading your post helped me. H.
|
Gracie012
replied on October 6th, 2009
Experienced User
Hey fitzherbert,
Wow, your right. Sounds like the only diffrence between us is the age...
I know exactly what you mean about just kind of being there, and just understanding things and not acually experiencing it. I dont think I have ever been happy before exactly, I just know what to do and I do it. I laugh when everyone else is laughing... but I'm never really there. I strive to be alone, and I've kind of learned how to be alone in a crowd. A.K.A Depression. But I think I will always have that trait...
By the way, I did tell my youth pastor. He said he was relieved that I told him, because he was on the verge of sending me a Facebook message anyways telling me that I can always talk to him. Cause, like I said he knew something was going on that I wasnt talking about. And he knew how much it was eating me up. He could see it in my eyes, still does in fact... anyways. We spent three hours talking about me(and I hated that, so I just tried getting him to talk the whole time. haha, which isnt hard, he wants to help so much that he just keeps going. I dont mind). He suggested professional help, like counceling but I shot that idea down right away...
But anyways, by the end of the conversation, he tried making me a deal. I dont cut for 1 full week, he doesnt tell my parents. So I gave him my scissors, and he hugged me to close the deal... I couldnt make it three days. It felt like someone was always touching me, like the feeling when someone pokes you n your sides randomly. Well, that feeling times ten EVERYWHERE. It kept making my stomach do flips, and I acually got sick. Plus, then I stared reverting to other bad habbits of mine. I didnt feel the need to eat at all those three days, and barley did... finally I just gave up and cut myself...I cant and/or dont want to stop cutting. Thats the problem.
I think another problem as to why I do this is low self-esteem. But I really dont know how to fix myself. Complaments make me nervous and uncomfortable. I dont know how to accept them...
You ask what I like to do? Umm, well I love singing and horseback riding. I can never horseback ride though, too expensive and no time. I love music... just everything about it. I'm learning how to play accustic and piano right now, and hope to learn bass soon then electric. Then when i older hopefully learn drums too. Music was my crutch before cutting, but it doesnt feel as satisfying as this...
Umm, aspirations? Well, I told you bought my musical aspirations... I havent really decided what I want to do when im older. I've thought about seminary, but not sure. I dont really have any dreams I guess. Wow, I guess I dont...didnt really realize that before you posted this...
But anyways, I'm rambling again. Haha, did you notice I kinda write a lot? oops. : )
But anyways, I really hope your doing well too, do you still cut?
Gracie
Wow, your right. Sounds like the only diffrence between us is the age...
I know exactly what you mean about just kind of being there, and just understanding things and not acually experiencing it. I dont think I have ever been happy before exactly, I just know what to do and I do it. I laugh when everyone else is laughing... but I'm never really there. I strive to be alone, and I've kind of learned how to be alone in a crowd. A.K.A Depression. But I think I will always have that trait...
By the way, I did tell my youth pastor. He said he was relieved that I told him, because he was on the verge of sending me a Facebook message anyways telling me that I can always talk to him. Cause, like I said he knew something was going on that I wasnt talking about. And he knew how much it was eating me up. He could see it in my eyes, still does in fact... anyways. We spent three hours talking about me(and I hated that, so I just tried getting him to talk the whole time. haha, which isnt hard, he wants to help so much that he just keeps going. I dont mind). He suggested professional help, like counceling but I shot that idea down right away...
But anyways, by the end of the conversation, he tried making me a deal. I dont cut for 1 full week, he doesnt tell my parents. So I gave him my scissors, and he hugged me to close the deal... I couldnt make it three days. It felt like someone was always touching me, like the feeling when someone pokes you n your sides randomly. Well, that feeling times ten EVERYWHERE. It kept making my stomach do flips, and I acually got sick. Plus, then I stared reverting to other bad habbits of mine. I didnt feel the need to eat at all those three days, and barley did... finally I just gave up and cut myself...I cant and/or dont want to stop cutting. Thats the problem.
I think another problem as to why I do this is low self-esteem. But I really dont know how to fix myself. Complaments make me nervous and uncomfortable. I dont know how to accept them...
You ask what I like to do? Umm, well I love singing and horseback riding. I can never horseback ride though, too expensive and no time. I love music... just everything about it. I'm learning how to play accustic and piano right now, and hope to learn bass soon then electric. Then when i older hopefully learn drums too. Music was my crutch before cutting, but it doesnt feel as satisfying as this...
Umm, aspirations? Well, I told you bought my musical aspirations... I havent really decided what I want to do when im older. I've thought about seminary, but not sure. I dont really have any dreams I guess. Wow, I guess I dont...didnt really realize that before you posted this...
But anyways, I'm rambling again. Haha, did you notice I kinda write a lot? oops. : )
But anyways, I really hope your doing well too, do you still cut?
Gracie
|
rain_wiccan
replied on October 6th, 2009
New User
I feel like you're almost exactly like me, no offense, many people wouldn't like to be like me, but dude, you have to tell someone, and your youth pastor sounds like just the person. If you never tell anyone, it will get worse, trust me, I've been through this before. Once you tell someone, you will be able to stop, its possible. And when everyone tells you everything, they aren't looking for a magickal answer to their problem, they just want to talk, it helps them, so just listen to them. You are a good person, but believe me, keeping your emotions to yourself will not help in the long run.
Cutting is an addiction, its triggered by, well, whatever its triggered by. You have it lucky, you have a trigger, so you can eventually stop. The most likely reason you cut is because you don't express your emotions, but you emotions don't just go away, so cutting is an outlet. Every time your want to cut is triggered, just tell yourself it will pass, and it will in time.
And yes, it will get worse if you don't stop. I always thought my cutting would never get worse, I wouldn't ever try to kill myself, and so far, I haven't, but I know a lot of people that have tried, and most of them had your very low self esteem, and the ones that survived had many emotional and mental effects. And i know a few people who have actually nicked or severed the tendons in their wrist, that did not end well.
and as I've seen through my years, cutting never solves the problems, it just makes them worse, and all you're left with is scars that are hard to bs your way out of and remind you of all of your past mistakes.
Please, get help and tell someone before its too late!
Cutting is an addiction, its triggered by, well, whatever its triggered by. You have it lucky, you have a trigger, so you can eventually stop. The most likely reason you cut is because you don't express your emotions, but you emotions don't just go away, so cutting is an outlet. Every time your want to cut is triggered, just tell yourself it will pass, and it will in time.
And yes, it will get worse if you don't stop. I always thought my cutting would never get worse, I wouldn't ever try to kill myself, and so far, I haven't, but I know a lot of people that have tried, and most of them had your very low self esteem, and the ones that survived had many emotional and mental effects. And i know a few people who have actually nicked or severed the tendons in their wrist, that did not end well.
and as I've seen through my years, cutting never solves the problems, it just makes them worse, and all you're left with is scars that are hard to bs your way out of and remind you of all of your past mistakes.
Please, get help and tell someone before its too late!
|
Gracie012
replied on October 7th, 2009
Experienced User
Ok, yeah I told my youth pastor. He said he was proud of me for telling him, and that he was just onthe verge of sending me a faebook message or something anyways. He knows me pretty dang well, and thats just because were a lot alike. Plus, he has this weird way with people, like he can read their minds. So yeah, he knew something is up...
He said that he would be more worried if I didnt tell him anything, and that the cuts on my arms9which are the only ones I showed him) are a representation of whats going on on the inside...he told me that he thinks I should consider professional help. A.K.A Theropy, counceling, whatever. I told him no right off the bat...
But anyways, if you didnt read my last post, he made me a deal. I dont cut for 1 week, he doesnt tell my parents for 1 week... I broke the deal on the 3rd day. He said he wont tell my parents, he told me to call it mercy. But that he still hasnt determined the seriousness of my cutting, so he still hasnt decided... I am not telling my parents. There is no reason too. But, if I wanted counceling, then I would have to... but I do not want to tell them. I dont really see a point. My youth pastor is closer to a father to me than my real one... I just dont see the point...
He said that he would be more worried if I didnt tell him anything, and that the cuts on my arms9which are the only ones I showed him) are a representation of whats going on on the inside...he told me that he thinks I should consider professional help. A.K.A Theropy, counceling, whatever. I told him no right off the bat...
But anyways, if you didnt read my last post, he made me a deal. I dont cut for 1 week, he doesnt tell my parents for 1 week... I broke the deal on the 3rd day. He said he wont tell my parents, he told me to call it mercy. But that he still hasnt determined the seriousness of my cutting, so he still hasnt decided... I am not telling my parents. There is no reason too. But, if I wanted counceling, then I would have to... but I do not want to tell them. I dont really see a point. My youth pastor is closer to a father to me than my real one... I just dont see the point...
|
Similar Self Injury Topics
Similar Mental Health Topics
Similar Topics in All Forums
Unanswered Questions
Related Forums
| We comply with the HONcode standard for trustworthy health information: verify here. |
The site is not a replacement for professional medical opinion, examination, diagnosis or treatment.
Always seek the advice of your medical doctor or other qualified health professional before starting any new treatment
or making any changes to existing treatment. Do not delay seeking or disregard medical advice based on information
written by any author on this site. No health questions and information on eHealth Forum is regulated or
evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration and therefore the information should not be used to diagnose, treat, cure or
prevent any disease without the supervision of a medical doctor. Posts made to these forums express the views and opinions of the author,
and not the administrators, moderators, or editorial staff and hence eHealth Forum and its principals will accept no
liabilities or responsibilities for the statements made.
Schizophrenia
health
sitemap.
This page was last updated on January 1, 2009.
© 2008 eForums, Inc
This page was last updated on January 1, 2009.
© 2008 eForums, Inc
