I feel like I'm going crazy soon. I didn't went to school today and when I woke up in the morning, I suddenly feel like the pillow i'm hugging starts to get heavier and heavier and it's almost insane. I don't know why but i was convinced that i had won a 100 dollars and i was convinced at that time that i should split the money when a voice in my head asked me to not be selfish. So i started sitting up in my bed and my head is pounding so fast and there's like a million thoughts in my head and i tried to lie down on my other pillow then i got up suddenly and without holding anything in my hand, i started to touch my chair like i'm transferring the money over, then i started to look at my bag and think about how i can use this money to buy a new bag and then i wanted to gave it to my mom or use this money to go shopping and i was talking non-stop like i'm insane. Then i lie back down at my pillow, convinced that i'm gonna die and i felt thankful to God for letting me die like this. After a while, it stopped and i was back to normal and my mom walked in and i cover my face with my blanket and cry, and ask her to go away and she said i was crazy. I couldn't tell anybody because they will think i'm insane. Recently, my friends and my tuition teacher have been suspecting me of having bipolar because of how fast i change my mood, I could be laughing obnoxiously and kept on joking about things that actually made no sense to people and then suddenly i'll be sitting alone in class, thinking about ways to die, and i kept on picturing myself jumping down from the third floor of my school and i started to feel down. And I've been crying almost everyday recently, i would pretend that i'm going to sleep when actually i'm crying secretly under my covers, then i'll start thinking about weird things like "what if there's no hell and when you die, you'll go to a better place and live on an island alone" "I'm such a failure and i couldn't do anything properly" then i'll keep crying then eventually fall asleep and skipped dinner. I used to be really shy when i was young. When i was 10, i overheard my closest friend whom have been friends with me since 7, telling her other friends how disgusting my sweaty palms were and i got upset and we slowly drifted apart because she decided that i wasn't cool enough for her. After that i have no friends and i was pretty much a loner. And i started feeling i'm living in a dream every single second of my life till now. When i was 12, i became friends with my cousin and i started becoming a really loud girl and is no longer shy, i started to rebel in school and the teacher is always calling my mom.
Then during our graduation, we fought but it wasn't my fault but everybody sided because she's obviously the more popular choice. I skipped my graduation party and came home to cry for several days, and after that, i became an introvert again and i won't talk to anyone, cut off all social activities and didn't go out during the holidays. Then when i was 13, after i went to a new school, i suddenly became loud and talkative again, and rebelled a lot in school, i started getting obsessed with looking in the mirror all the time and i could just spend 45 minutes in the toilet like this, I started becoming popular because people thought that i am pretty, but i didn't believed because i obviously have self esteem issues and i would get nervous just ordering popcorn at the movie theater, and when somebody just merely glanced at me for a while, i'll started to get paranoid and kept fiddling with my hair and clothes non-stop. I often think that there's somebody watching me in my room or somebody installed cameras in my bathroom. I became obsessed with fashion and kept on spending money and my mom was so mad at me. Then during the June holidays, i became quiet again and stopped all communications with people and stopped talking to anybody and stayed at home the whole day for as long as i could remember. Then after the holidays, my friends stopped talking to me cause they think i'm weird for isolating myself for the whole holidays, then i got upset and started crying for weeks again, after that, i got a new clique of friends and i would be extremely careful in my behavior, and would always give in to people, i was always paranoid that my friends would hate me secretly or talk behind my back everyday after i came home from school, and i always get upset when they leave me out of something. That was when i started shopping and buying clothes again. Then during the December holidays, i started to cut off all communications again and stayed home all day, and i lied to my friends so they won't think i'm ignoring them. Then after the holidays, i became loud again and i couldn't stop talking all the time, and randomly laughing at nothing and i'll always say something weird and my friends would be thinking that i'm weird. But my mood would change so fast within a day recently, like one minute i would be acting all crazy, and couldn't stop laughing or talking, and i'll just keep fidgeting, then the next minute i'll start isolating myself again and start thinking really negatively and try to isolate myself from people again. This has been going on for two months now and my friends always look at me weird and they questioned me two weeks ago, whether i'm bipolar which i totally deny having and then my tuition teacher also questioned me last week whether i'm bipolar because i started crying during lesson and I broke down last week in front of my tuition teacher and told her a little things like how i feel no connections with anybody including my family, how i'll love somebody then suddenly think they're disgusting and hate them, how i've always been bullied by my cousins and siblings when i was young, and how my friendship with people would never last long at all. I also told her how i feel like i'm living in a dream and i have to keep pinching myself in class to make sure i'm not dreaming. She's been teaching me for two years now and she always tell me how i'm always changing my personality and character within these past two years that it's scary. And i feel weird seeing her now because i think that telling people your secrets or getting close with somebody is gross, and i don't know why. My family is pretty much messed up, we only sat together for meals five times during festive season a year and i never talk to my dad at all almost everyday except to greet him, but he'll only nod at me without smiling. He'll only talk to my oldest sister and my brother because they're his favorites while my mom's favourite is my brother, i've always knew this since i was young. I have another older sister but we really never talk these days and my grandparents pretty much hate me, even my mom admits that my grandma hates me when i was young. My parents always had anger issues when i was young but 3 years ago they got better and started being nicer. Maybe this is why, i feel no attachment to my family and because of my multiple friendship disaster, i don't feel any attachment to my friends and i'm paranoid as hell, worrying that they'll become prettier that me, i know this sounds so selfish but i just couldn't help it. My friends always pestered me to tell them about my secrets or past but i couldn't do so because i would start to get cranky and agitated and now they just gave up trying to know anything about me. I feel so weird and cranky also when i see my ex-school schoolmate. My tuition teacher also suspect that i have anxiety issues and ocd which i think is true, i used to can't stop looking in the mirror or i'll get extremely cranky but i guess it's better now and i have another issue which is obviously another of my obsession but i'm too ashamed to say it here. I also have trouble concentrating all the time because when people is talking to me, i'll always be talking to myself in my own head at the same time, and they'll always be random thoughts in my head coming in so fast at the same time and that's why i'm a really slow learner. I also hid in the toilet last night for two hours crying, and attempting to bite my fingers so hard so that it'll bleed because i fought with my sister and my parents sided her, my cousins and aunt were also over at my house, and non of them cared about me, and obviously my mom think her laundry is more important than me and i hate her so much i can't explained it, nowadays when she wants to talk to me, i'll just ask her to go away, and me and my oldest sister fight all the time, and she's always asking me to give in to her, i mean come on, she's 6 year older than me and i'm only 14 and they expect the youngest in the family to give in to the oldest sister. And i got so angry, my whole body starts shaking and i started slamming my laptop and kick the walls. Please help, i'm feeling so troubled right now and i don't want to alarm my parents or friends to bring me to the doctor or something.
"...i'm feeling so troubled right now and i don't want to alarm my parents or friends to bring me to the doctor or something."
Yet that is clearly what would help.
Doesn't sound like you're doing well with your symptoms, trying to cope with it all alone. And honestly, it's not going to get better like this, you're going to need some help.
I can certainly understand not wanting to go to a doc, believe me--I was scared of what might happen when I first went. So scared, in fact, that I let things spiral WAY out of control; I went days without sleeping, had nasty scary hallucinations, it got really bad. Finally an online friend convinced me to make some calls, turned out to be a really good thing that I did. I had been scared of being locked up, and indeed that almost happened, specifically because I'd let things go for so long.
I'd suggest having a frank conversation with your parents, for starters. This can also be intimidating, I know, but it's a good first step. You need to get in to see a doc, too, s/he can set you on a good course of treatment. It doesn't have to be this way.
You might also put your symptoms into your favorite search engine, and see what you can learn about what's happening with you--you're likely to find out about how to talk to your doctor and family, others who've dealt with your symptoms, stories of what treatments have worked for others, there's a wealth of information out there. Maybe you won't feel so all alone, either.