Family Relationships Forum - superficial relationships

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Q: superficial relationships

asked by: nastacha1 on July 1st, 2009

Experienced User

What I have is a very disconnected relationship with my mother. She is ALWAYS nervous, tense, anxious, and definitely unhappy.... the REAL problem - she doesn't know. She doesn't know how to relax, and thinks that's normal. I can't talk to her about anything other than the weather or minor things. In any attempt to talk to her about emotion or feeling - happiness - fun things - nothing. She pushes it aside and tells me that I am being dramatic when I tell her that some of the things I do hurt my feelings. Typically, I would get angry... but I can't... because even though she's totally apathetic towards my feelings, she doesn't trust me (ive never done anything, always been a responsible hard working daughter), she doesn't REALIZE it... any of it. It makes me SO ANGRY and upset and right now I'm getting that pain/sinking feeling inside that always comes and goes. Just a mess. All my life she's nit-picked at me, scrutinizing every last detail about me. I think about all these things so often, idk why I decided to write about it on here, it's just something that can't be solved. I also once told her I wanted to see a therapist, she doesn't believe in that.. thought it was a joke. No point in continuing to explain I guess, maybe looking for kind words or some advice?

sigh.

Replies(15)

wendyrs

replied on July 1st, 2009

Supporter

Sounds a bit like my mother..Can I ask how old you are? I can help you deal with this type of mother. Also, there is a great book out there called, "Toxic Parnets, Take Control of Your Life", it's a very interesting book.

nastacha1

replied on July 2nd, 2009

Experienced User

I am 20. I started noticing everything the way it was towards the end of high school, i'd say probably about 2-3 years now. Now, it just affects everything I do. It seems like it's either me thats happy or it's her. It just kills me she doesn't notice, and everything is 100% unintentional. I'm actually in the process of moving out, hopefully by november - december's my deadline. I am sure things will change for the better after this. I guess it's just gotta get worse first. But, that's been the 'light at the end of the tunnel' for me, keeping my head above water.

wendyrs

replied on July 2nd, 2009

Supporter

Well, it's a smart move to move out. You'll find that your relationship will probably get better when your mother sees you making it on your own. She's probably a control freak like mine though and will get upset if you don't get her input on everything you do. Don't! Eventually she will learn to respect you. Don't share everything with her. I have learned what to tell my mother and not what to tell her. Keep your personal business to yourself. Only tell her things that she can't use to judge you with. If she has a negative attitude about your decisions, take a step back from her. My sister and I both go through this. My sister doesn't tell my mother anything unless necessary and I'm at a point at 44 where I just don't care anymore. I feel like I'm just rambling. I hope some of what I said makes sense.

nastacha1

replied on July 16th, 2009

Experienced User

I totally understand everything you said. You hit right on when you said not to use anything she can judge me with. Thanks so much, I really appreciate your advice. I'm happy someone can relate. Smile

wendyrs

replied on July 16th, 2009

Supporter

So have you moved out yet? Did she try to tell you how to decorate your new place? I'm 44 as you know and each time my husband and I move she wants to be a part of every decision. Don't let her! How are things going?

nastacha1

replied on July 16th, 2009

Experienced User

Actually, Im planning on moving by December of this year. She is helping me pay/get a loan/co-sign - basically I need her for this. We have checked out about 2-3 places for sale by owner so far but thats about it. We might get a realtor. But as of now, nothings changed. I bite my lip and talk to her but we're not moving forward. I know it will happen, but its just extremely hard to imagine right now. It's still the only thing I'm holding on to right now.

wendyrs

replied on July 16th, 2009

Supporter

Well hang in there. Make sure that you choose your new place and not her. Throughout life try not to borrow money from her, for she will use that to own you. They mean well but just don't know how to let go. I'm 44 and my mother freaks out if I don't call her every day. I've got a husband who lives in chronic pain and two teenagers I'm trying to get ready for college along with my own health issues right now. I try to stay positive but whenever I talk to her it brings me down because everything out of her mouth is so negative. What's worse is if I don't sound all chirpy on the phone she nags me and wants to know what is wrong and why am I so depressed..Well mom you make me depressed is what I would like to say to her..lol Your mom will always be your mom but it doesn't mean she rules your life. I think once she sees you in your new place and independant she will have a new respect for you. Hang in there. And she will probably get that long face if you don't choose the home she wants but hey, she'll just have to get over it.

nastacha1

replied on July 17th, 2009

Experienced User

That's so funny. More and more my mother sounds JUST like yours haha. I understand exactly what you are saying. I haven't borrowed money from her or my father since I was 15 for that reason lol. What great relief it gives me to hear from you. Thank you so very much.

wendyrs

replied on July 17th, 2009

Supporter

I'm glad. We'll have to share more stories. Talk to you soon!

Wendy

nastacha1

replied on July 30th, 2009

Experienced User

Its just really upsetting to know that she or our relationship will never change.

I want to have a mom I can do cool things with and joke.

But I've been doing my best keeping my distance so she can't use anything to judge me. It does work. Some days I slip up (because of my mood that day i guess) and she criticizes me.

If I have children I will never do this.

W0LF

replied on July 30th, 2009

Extremely eHealthy (online)

It will horrify you sometimes what you do if you have children. Mom is in you and she creeps out when you least expect it. Don't worry about not being your mother, just think clearly about the mother you want to be.

Moving out is a huge step. An authoritative parent may still be controlling or judgmental but when you're not under the same roof it becomes easier for both of you. Suddenly you can focus on the things that are important in your life.

nastacha1

replied on July 30th, 2009

Experienced User

Thank you Wolf Smile

Moving out is the light at the end of my tunnel. I think about it every time I start feeling bad, and it helps alleviate some of the tension.

rightside

replied on July 30th, 2009

Active User, very eHealthy

Sometimes you have to step back, and take a look at your grandparents...their upbringing is the reason your mother behaves the way she does. Was her mother controlling? Did she criticize your mother? Control is a hard thing to give up when your child becomes an adult. She may fear she will no longer be needed. Her control is her way of protecting you. She thinks if you do everything the way she wants, your life will turn out fine. She needs to learn that you have to make your own decisions and mistakes in order to learn from them. Moving out will be a good thing. Don't let her throw guilt on you over this. Whenever she starts getting on your nerves, picture her being the child, and what she had to go through with HER mother. That might give you some insight into why she is the way she is. It's usually not personally directed at you. She's just bringing some of what she learned from her parents into her relationship with you. My mother is alot like yours, but looking back, I can see that she never felt loved by her own mother. She was constantly criticized, and her mother never put much stock in her hopes and dreams... so grandma passed the torch down, and now we have to deal with the same issues.

nastacha1

replied on July 31st, 2009

Experienced User

Thank you for your advice.
You are absolutely right, unfortunately.

I don't know my grandparents.
Mother: Her mother and father lived in the middle of nowhere in VW. I went there once. Hillbillies don't really welcome people from out of town. Seriously. I never met her mother. I met her father but did not talk with him.

But you caught it! She was brought up 1 of 12 kids and lived in poverty. She was one of the only ones that left WV and did her own thing. She doesn't want me to mess mine up... but she is paranoid about it. She doesn't notice how she is.

Father: Passed while I was young. But I did hear that his father was a grumpy old man. He is too.

Really, it does all make sense now.

I'm glad I can be the one to end it on both sides.

Thank you guys so much this really organizes everything for me.. i can see the floor again. Smile

rightside

replied on July 31st, 2009

Active User, very eHealthy

Sometimes we have to step back, take a deep breath, and look back into the past to see what made our parents the way they are. This is a prime example of kids learning what they live, and how to break the cycle. I'm sure your mother means well...this is just her way. The bigger issue is how we can learn to accept the fact that they will probably never change, and not to let their words and actions hurt or stress us. And most of all, how to NOT become the next link in the legacy. Good luck!

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