Want to blow my head off but, don't want to leave a mess for my son to find. Past 3 years have been hell for me. I am almost 50 I suffer from back pain, depression and finding honest people. I was always a go getter my whole life, never mattered if the stakes were up or down it wouldn't stop me. 4 years ago my ex husband died from alcoholism. We had 2 sons together one is in the army now and the other with me. My ex mother in law talked very bad to my kids about me ( I bit my tongue and did what I thought was right) I had a bipolar boyfriend that moved in with me because he "loved" me, 3 months ago he spinlessly left me, 2 months ago my dad killed himself at 78 years old because of pain. I see no future in my life just a lot of dead, I used to pray and go to church. I believe now there is not a "God". I am seeing a Physchiatrist for ADD and depression. Since my dad passed I have uncontrollable crying everyday. I care less about anything. Is it wrong to want to die? Even my dad told me if it werent for bad luck I wouldn't have any luck. There is no light anywhere to see to get out of this. Everything seems to be a pain.
You aren't wrong to want it, but you know that no one will approve of it. I would sit here and try to talk you out of it, like anyone would, but you have decide to live for yourself. Personally, I stay alive for my family, with my fingers crossed that things will get better, hoping it cant get worse, though in reality it always can. I am very sorry you feel the way you do, and i can sympathize. I suffer from a mental 'disorder' myself as well as most of my family, (witnessed multiple suicide attempts by my mother, tried about four times myself). It may sound like an easy way out, but its not that simple, never is. Hate to say it, but maybe talk to your son about it, if hes old enough, could give you some perspective about how it would affect him if you did follow through.