As a mother of someone who suffers from paranoid schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, severe depression and stress induced psychosis...everything all of you have said hurts my heart. I am so sorry that the people you need are not there for you, fighting for you...I have done it every day. Many sleepless nights, tons of love and understanding, so many tears and frustrations...I won't allow it to be in vain by giving up on him. He first tried to kill himself when he was 6 years old...I caught him hanging off his bunk bed with a blanket tied around his throat....once we got him to the hospital, they had to medicate me too! Its so hard, but what is even harder is seeing the people you love succumb to this atrocious disease. Those people who bullied you...and those people who turned their backs and ignored the problems...are the sick ones. They are the problem. People all over have to wake up. My son had bullies his entire life...and we've had varying degrees of help from schools...some of them cared, some of them did not. We've even had to get the police involved on a few occasions. Plus, his real dad is a piece of work....to put it mildly, he was abusive towards our son and me, so I left him...he has had little involvement in his son's life, frankly it's for the best. It's been a long, LONG road...but things are better for the time being. We have made sure there is support for him..always...it's a big job, but it's worth it..trust me, it is worth it...his walls are covered with letters, and short messages from all of us, his friends, his family...just so when he is alone, he see's the reminders of love and the support we all want to give him..I don't know if it helps, but he says it usually does...we keep these things at normal places his eyes seem to look around his room. He still lives at home because of his condition...but we got a place with attached apartment..so we are literally a doorway away from him always. We did, of course, seek outside help...finding the right doctors and the long journey to finding the appropriate medication was crucial...so many cocktails..it took us forever to find the right fit for him. Only over the past year were we finally find something that, for the time being, works...we also changed his eating habits.....putting him on more natural, organic foods/drinks...and focusing on vitamins and minerals that tend to boost your mood.Not that he doesn't indulge from time to time..but changing the way he ate, helped. The biggest help though...has been through a cleansing of influences...removing himself from the people who bring him negativity. This included a girlfriend, who suffers from multiple personality disorder...and she would use it as an excuse for cheating...they stayed together for over 2 years...and that was perhaps the worst 2 years of this journey so far. Once HE made the decision to cut her loose for good, and though yes he still misses her from time to time....he has made a complete 180. He is hanging out with the friends who make him laugh, and that he has fun with..they encourage his creativity, and he goes and actually does stuff now...just 2 weeks ago we took a family vacation to a huge music and film festival..he wouldn't have gone before, he didn't allow himself to have positive experiences when he was with her...and he was sooo happy. We are actually planning to move there in a year now, something he is very excited about. He has lined up a roommate already, and is now feeling like he is more prepared to venture out on his own(though we will still be living very close by). He is finally making positive choices for himself, like college which he starts next fall. It wasn't just her by the way, he had a series of people in his life who brought him down..some were friends, and a few were even family members. I know that sounds terrible, but it made a world of difference....it's been a half a year now, and he is thriving. Not that he doesn't have hard times, mind you...but he sounded just like you less than a year ago. I won't make comment on your beliefs...that is for each person to find on their own. My son is still finding it for himself as well...and he will find it..whether he believes is just eternal sleep, or if he decides that we all start our lives over and over again, or if he feels we get pearly gates and streets of gold..doesn't matter, what matters is how you live your life now. I hope that all of you can find your own version of peace..and I hope that it isn't by leaving this world. I hope you can eventually find what does work for you...and also, there are people who care about you and what happens to you. Be well..and best wishes.