Okay folks,

I've posted before. Depression, suicidal, it's relentless.

And it is all true what I wrote before. Nothing has changed, except my age. Turned 38 recently. This past weekend I organized an event. For me I should have been really excited about. And I felt nothing. Absolutely nothing. If anything was ever going to make me feel good this should have done it.

I just go through the motions now. At my very best I am just a zombie going doing what I have to do. Don't get me wrong, I work hard and try to do my best, but no feelings. That is the minority of time. I am in tears so often now. Shouldn't be.

I've seen this new counselor three times now. She is trying hard, and is very nice and I have tried to do the homework she gives me. I really am trying. I don't want to feel like this any more.

My one or two supposed friends have deserted me. The woman I talk about in my first post. I am not the smartest person but I know nothing will change. The only person who would notice if I were to die, except my mother, is this friend I talk to online thanks to this forum. But I don't know if it is good for her to try to keep propping me up it is a drain on her.

I just keep thinking of how much better it would be for most people if I were to vanish. Actually no one would notice either way. All I can think about is how I'm going to die alone. I'm now 38 still haven't been on a date. Haven't experienced physical intimacy of any type even holding hands. I want this more than anything.

Have a job I can't stand. But I am trapped in. Try finding a job now. I know I am lucky. Even though I hate it at least I have one. And it gives me something to distract myself.

I try to find something that brings me some joy. That is part of my homework from the first session. Stop treating myself so bad. Actually treat myself. But this weekend and this event. If I did not feel anything for it ... I go out volunteer for things, go to the gym, I am always on the go. I am trying.

But the last couple of days I have realized that there is no hope. I have 2 options. Feel like this for the rest of my life. And what happens when life really gets bad? Lose job, a family member dies etc. Or avoid everything. I have a plan just need to find some nerve to do it. I don't know.

Right now I just don't know what I may be capable of doing.