Hello my names Melissa and I really needed a place to get things off my chest. I've suffered with depression for what seems like my entire life I may only be 17 but believe me I know what its like to cry for what seems like no reason almost everyday. I feel disgusting to myself and disgusting to everyone around me and I always have, I have the best fiancee in the world and an amazing son but i still feel like nobody cares. I've neglected to recieve treatment for depression because I'm afraid that if my fiancee believes that I have depression than he will no longer think of me as a support to go to when he has flare ups of bipolar. It seems silly I understand but I'm so tired of crying every day, I thought it would change once I got out of my abusive step fathers house a few years back but it seems like even though I'm out of that I still relive what has happened over and over. Its hard because I don't want to relive the rape and abuse but its something I can't control, i can't breathe, my palms sweat and I don't know what to do so I normally just pretend its not happening. Another reason I think I;m so reluctant to go seek help is because I'm afraid of my children being taken away and I would rather suffer through this without any help than loose them. I don't want to be put on pills that will make me act like a zombie or drain all my emotion either, I think I'd rather be depressed than go through my life a stone. I don't believe that my step-father is to blame for my depression, thats not to say i don't believe he contributed to the hatred and angst that I feel when I look in the mirror but you should understand that I've suffered with this since I can remember. I don'r know what more to say but I believe i've said enough to let others in on how I feel and whats going on.

I'm sorry that theres no real flow to what I've just written and the whole lot of it is just jotted down in an untimely manner but I'm not feeling the best, I hope you'll understand.

-Melissa