Hi, I really need help and I've been searching for a long time to no avail. Quite frankly, I'm at the end of my rope. By that I mean, I'd rather go back to using drugs and drinking, then continue trying to fix myself... It's just too hard and I really struggle everyday.

I'm a 22 year old male and I've been abusing cigarettes, caffeine, alcohol, and other drugs/substances for about three years. I really cannot believe that I let this happen. At the moment, I have no friends, I'm socially isolated, and I rarely go outside of my home. I am afraid of social situations and letting new people into my life (ex. I did not attend my cousin's wedding for these very reasons). The last time I had a job, I broke-down and ended up crying in front of my coworkers. I haven't been back since.

I have seen several doctors and therapists with little if any progress. The most anyone can do for me is to label me with several mental disorders and prescribe medications (then get grossly over payed as drug dealers do...). That's not an option for me at this point. I know that there might be a combination of medications that are just right for me... However, I don't want to be another guinea pig and I don't want to pump my body full of potentially harmful substances. Not anymore. I've heard of successful cases and I've heard of not-so-successful cases. I don't want to take that risk (I've inflicted enough damage upon myself) especially after doing some research on the subject.

I have been clean for about 6 months (over a year with other substances) and I have noticed some restored function, but I've also noticed that I've lost certain advantages which I feel that I got from using drugs. For example, my memory has definitely improved, but my clarity of thought has suffered and I get confused and disoriented all the time. Furthermore, it is quite a challenge to organize my thoughts and ... , etc, etc, etc... I like to think that's the result of my brain slowly regenerating itself, but it's hard to tell and I get very frustrated on a daily basis. Sometime it feels like I'm getting worse and worse. It's painful, both physically and mentally.

I have gone through some research and have put myself on special diets, fasts, exercise plans (not so much), etc... Maybe I would quit before gaining the true benefits of it. I do have problems with motivation and believing that something (such as the special diet) will work. Usually, I would convince myself that something will work wonders on me and then get my hopes up by realizing that it's not the miracle I had wanted it to be.

To give you an idea, I used to move my eyes from one sentence to the next (when reading) and I wouldn't consciously see the words, but I'd know exactly what I was reading. now, reading can get me depressed because I have to consciously see every word in order to understand what I'm reading. If I were to try and read in the presents of people (such as in a classroom), then it would not make sense (contents), especially if it was new material. I think the problem is my concentration or lack thereof. I don't know... Sometimes it seems like the more I try, the more I seem to fail and the less I can do. Shouldn't it be the other way around.

...

Hopefully someone can relate and/or share some sort of secret or something which I haven't discovered and that something will change my life and bring me back to myself - to the person I used to be before I met the wrong types of people and began using... I just want to be normal again and have future.

If nothing changes, then I really, really, really won't have much of a future.

Am I expecting too much? Am I just wasting our time?

Why can I not find the answers or figure out the solution!

How much longer do I have to wait and suffer in hopes of things to change for the better...!?

Thanks for reading.