About two years ago I was snorting cocaine
heavily and hating myself for it. My nose
got so bad (perforated and deviated
septum) and I was so sick and tired of
being unable to control myself that using
became more painful than fun. This made it
easy for me to quit without any help. I
had been using for only a year and a half
yet I had already caused irreparable
damage to my body.
Until yesterday, I had been clean for
almost two years. During those two sober
years, I'd often remember how bad it felt
to be out of control, unable to stop a
snorting session at the time I wanted and
spending the whole night using instead,
even if it meant forcing the stuff up my
congestioned nose and going through
awefull withdrawal afterwards. I
remembered the guilt, anxiety, stress and
pain and was glad that it was in the
past.
About a month ago, I started craving the
drug and considering using. I thought
about it every day and finally decided
that I would go for it. I decided that it
would be ok to do so if I used it in a
different way. I thought it would be
different this time because I intended to
have a line here and there, maybe a
maximum of 3 a day each separated by many
hours. I knew I didn't want to go through
those sleepless nights again.
How STUPID was I, to say the least!
Yesterday I bought 7 grams (wanting to
have it last for many weeks). I snorted a
line at 3pm and now it's 5am and I'm still
at it! I never should have ''trusted''
myself to control it! I'm doing what I so
hated and soon the sun will rise and I
will feel even worse! I'm supposed to see
my parents tomorrow (well, today) and I'm
hesitating between cooking up a lie to
avoid them or facing them obviously ill,
sounding like someone is pinching my nose!
They don't know about addiction, by the
way...
I never should have done this again, what
an aweful mistake.
|
Beline
Supporter
Joined: 01 Mar 2008 Posts: 293 Location: , South Africa
Thanks: 57
Thanked:66
Posted: 04-17-08 07:00am
Maybe you shouldn’t be so hard on
yourself. You kicked the habit before, (on
your own, which I find admirable) you can
do it again. But I want to suggest that
you join a support group this time. You
need to speak to people who knows what you
are going through.
And it’s a good idea to tell your
parents. They might be disappointed at
first, but I’m sure they will support
you as well.
Hang in there.
|
GratefulAddict
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 19 May 2008 Posts: 1
Theres still hope Posted: 05-19-08 17:49pm
I can totally relate, man. Im a recovering
crack/cocaine addict. I tried stopping on
my own and moving, changing jobs, friends,
etc....... NOTHING WORKS when we try to do
it on your own. And if it does happen,
were more than likely miserable in our own
skin, until we finally pick up again.
The only thing that has ever worked for
me was the 12 step program of Narcotics
Anonymous. When I get cravings I share
about it and others that have been there
give me hope.We stay clean "Just for
Today" one day at a time.
I suggest you give yourself a break and go
to a meeting, pick up a white keytag. Get
some new clean friends and a network. Go
to www.NA.org and look up
a meeting in your area.
Im only guaranteed being clean today but
so far its been 4 years 2 weeks and 6 days
clean from any mood or mind-altering
substance. I now have a family and a
decent job and freedom from active
addiction.
I hope the best for you and I hope you
can find the strength you will need to get
into and stay in recovery......
your friend - Joe J.
|
syntheticblue
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 20 May 2008 Posts: 15 Location: Washington, U.S.
Thanks: 0
Thanked:2
Posted: 05-20-08 10:32am
i know how you feel. i've relapsed many
times. i actually just went through this a
couple days ago when a friend of mine
bought coke at some party we were at,
waved it around my face, & i ended up
doing it in the guys bathroom at haggens.
i felt so damn stupid after that too.
mainly because it had been a long time
since i did it. & i was holding up.
but still... now i have a craving for it a
lot & i wish i didnt. but i know how
you feel. & i hope you get better.
stay strong.
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This page was last updated on June 11, 2008
