About two years ago I was snorting cocaine heavily and hating myself for it. My nose got so bad (perforated and deviated septum) and I was so sick and tired of being unable to control myself that using became more painful than fun. This made it easy for me to quit without any help. I had been using for only a year and a half yet I had already caused irreparable damage to my body.
Until yesterday, I had been clean for almost two years. During those two sober years, I'd often remember how bad it felt to be out of control, unable to stop a snorting session at the time I wanted and spending the whole night using instead, even if it meant forcing the stuff up my congestioned nose and going through awefull withdrawal afterwards. I remembered the guilt, anxiety, stress and pain and was glad that it was in the past.
About a month ago, I started craving the drug and considering using. I thought about it every day and finally decided that I would go for it. I decided that it would be ok to do so if I used it in a different way. I thought it would be different this time because I intended to have a line here and there, maybe a maximum of 3 a day each separated by many hours. I knew I didn't want to go through those sleepless nights again.
How STUPID was I, to say the least! Yesterday I bought 7 grams (wanting to have it last for many weeks). I snorted a line at 3pm and now it's 5am and I'm still at it! I never should have ''trusted'' myself to control it! I'm doing what I so hated and soon the sun will rise and I will feel even worse! I'm supposed to see my parents tomorrow (well, today) and I'm hesitating between cooking up a lie to avoid them or facing them obviously ill, sounding like someone is pinching my nose! They don't know about addiction, by the way...
I never should have done this again, what an aweful mistake.
Maybe you shouldnât be so hard on yourself. You kicked the habit before, (on your own, which I find admirable) you can do it again. But I want to suggest that you join a support group this time. You need to speak to people who knows what you are going through.
And itâs a good idea to tell your parents. They might be disappointed at first, but Iâm sure they will support you as well.
Hang in there.
I can totally relate, man. Im a recovering crack/cocaine addict. I tried stopping on my own and moving, changing jobs, friends, etc....... NOTHING WORKS when we try to do it on your own. And if it does happen, were more than likely miserable in our own skin, until we finally pick up again.
The only thing that has ever worked for me was the 12 step program of Narcotics Anonymous. When I get cravings I share about it and others that have been there give me hope.We stay clean "Just for Today" one day at a time.
I suggest you give yourself a break and go to a meeting, pick up a white keytag. Get some new clean friends and a network. Go to www.NA.org and look up a meeting in your area.
Im only guaranteed being clean today but so far its been 4 years 2 weeks and 6 days clean from any mood or mind-altering substance. I now have a family and a decent job and freedom from active addiction.
I hope the best for you and I hope you can find the strength you will need to get into and stay in recovery......
your friend - Joe J.
i know how you feel. i've relapsed many times. i actually just went through this a couple days ago when a friend of mine bought coke at some party we were at, waved it around my face, & i ended up doing it in the guys bathroom at haggens. i felt so damn stupid after that too. mainly because it had been a long time since i did it. & i was holding up. but still... now i have a craving for it a lot & i wish i didnt. but i know how you feel. & i hope you get better. stay strong.