So... About 3 weeks ago, I started cutting myself, I felt like I didn't have any other options. It's because my dad yells because I don't get perfect grades, I do get straight A's!, and I'm the faster runner or swimmer. He pushes me and yells alot at me for that... Me and mom have a strong relationship, but she blames alot of things on me. I think its because she cant blame my younger brother, and I'm old enough to be blamed on, I guess. (im 13) When I was younger, I watched my dad abuse my mother, they were drunk, and the cops were called by the neighbors, and my dad has been to jail 3 times for it! But she's still with him, and they hate each other! There ALWAYS arguing, and blaming everything on ME, and giving my brother EVERYTHING! I hate it, and I wish it would just stop!
I knew cutting was bad, so I went to a church, and I asked someone about it. I was there for about 20 mins, it took me forever just to say it, its hard to talk and cry at the same time, and I was trying to calm down... I ended up writing it down, and she was shocked when she read it. I asked her not to tell my parents, and asked her what to do. She said I should sit down with her, the pastor, and my parents and talk to them. I can't do that!
So wednesday night, im writing this on a friday, I worked up the courage to tell my phone. I cried again, and wrote it down again. She was mad, and furious, and betrayed. I felt guilty about it, and I asked her what to do. She said I was just doing it for attention. Ha! I am hurting, and she thinks its fake? So, were not doing anything. She says if I do it again, she will tell my dad, and I know a fight will start if that happens...
I keep having urges to cut. I feel so... icy and free, wonderful, like after you just ran a mile, and your full of energy! That little blade will solve everything for the moment, and I feel dull, weird, and like a 1,000 pounds. I wanna cut. And I'm going to break the ice soon, i just know it. I don't know what to do. It's awkward between me and my mom. I don't know what to do. I'm stressed out, and I just need help. Yet, were poorer than hell, and I need all the help I can get :/