At my 20 week scan i was told my baby was not going to survive the pregnancy due to her organs growing outside her body, spine twisted and her ribs crushing her lungs.
I was given the choice of carrying on with the pregnancy and letting her die inside me, having a termination or giving birth at 20 weeks and letting her pass away.
I chose the last option and my little princess was born sleeping. I am finding it so hard to cope and just feel guilty all the time. I miss my little girl and just want her back. I gave birth to my little Amy-Rose on saturday and am really finding it hard to cope. Has anyone else gone through this? How did you cope?
I have been exactly what you are going through.in November I was told that my son had a neural tube problem and part of his skull in the back of his head did not close,so his brain tissue was just hanging out.We chose to give birth at 21 weeks and let him pass.It is the hardest thing anyone can EVER go through.I really can relate,It's hard and you will always be a mom to her,no matter what,no one can take that away from you! If you ever need to talk or just want to vent,I would be happy to listen.You will grieve for a long time and when you think your over it,it will come up again and thats ok!Just let it come out,it's so important.
I know it's so hard. My baby's heart stopped beating I went to the doctors because of cramping which they thought was from a fibroid. Turns out I didn't have a fibroid. I had a bicornuate uterus and the the baby was growing on the right horn which we know now can not happen the uterus freaked out and stopped blood supply to that side. On top of this they did not know I didn't have a fibroid so they where afraid to do a c section so for three days I laid in the hospital bed with numb legs because of the epidural and they gave me everything under the sun as far as medicine to bring on labor then they gave up fearing infection. Next they were going to try a D and E which they wanted to do because of this supposed fibroid. Well it turned that didn't work so c section it was and that's when they saw all along it was just my uterus freaking out cause the baby was on the wrong side. It wasn't over yet though then they decided to a ct scan of my organs cause I had been in bed for so long and they found two blood clots. Crazy then more tests and heparin drip to get rid of them and now I am on more blood thinner as part of protocol for 3 to 6 months after they find something like that. I was told I could try to have another baby because they fixed the problem but I can't go through this again and I can't take the chance. I am happy to be alive Caitlyn was a surprise from the begining. A happy one though. I have a 12 year old daughter and a 9 year old son. This was the hardest thing I ever had to go through I also had a miscarriage of twins at 6 weeks 5 years ago. Just hoping time will heal my heart.
I too just had to suffer the loss of my 20 week old baby (first child). Going for a routine ultra sound to find out what the sex was turned into my worst nightmare. The unltrasound revealed that the baby had no heartbeat. From there I was immediately transported to the hospital where I had to deliver my baby that I never even got to see. It was under developed...the size of a 15 week old and only 2 ounces. No warning signs were given that this was going to happen. A day of anticipation and excitment turned into a long night of despair and shock. I feel as if my heart has been torn out. I dearly missed the child I never got to meet. My heart goes out to you for you and and yours. I dont see how this gets better but from what I hear it does.
I know it does feel like your heart was ripped out. Everyone tells me time will heal me. I am really trying I have good days and bad days. My nightmare happened on 11/20/09. It has to get better for us we need to just take it one day at a time.
I feel your pain. My nightmare started on January 1, 2010. I was told that my baby had no heartbeat! What a way to start out the new year. I was induced and delivered her January 2, 2010 (exactly one week ago)! I was 23 weeks when I delivered my Hannah Rachel! My heart is aching and at times I can't even catch my breath. I hope time will heal. Right now, it just still feels like a nightmare I am trying to wake up from. It is so hard telling people what happened. A few of my close friends are pregnant and we were all due within a 2 month period. I can't even bear to see them!
I'm right there with you. It is a nightmare. Take one day at a time that's what I'm doing. I was doing good for a couple of weeks then it hits you again. And for me its hard cause people don't what to say and when they say things like Well it wasn't meant to be... that is hard to hear cause I feel like I was given such a wonderful surprise but it was ripped away so suddenly. Take care and keep writing to me I wouldn't mind talking.
I am sorry to hear about your loss. I lost my daughter on January 1st and gave birth to her on the 2nd. I never thought of that, but I did have the vaccine. I can't imagine that it did, but it does give you something to think about!
sadnflorida hi , I am so upset over my daughters loss. I was 20wks and went for my check up and there was no heart beat. Till that point she was growing fine and all my blood test for her were normal. To lose a baby in the second trimester is not that common. I question the shot because there are negative things out there about it now. The vaccine makers are not held responsible for negative outcomes.. We do not vaccinate babies under six months with the shot so why are they pushing it on women with little fetuses inside? Maybe I am just looking for answers but I had three other healthy pregnancies and I have to wonder what happened to her. I am so sad and I want answers. I am a registered nurse and I am going to tell doctors that they need to inform women that there is no research of the affects on the fetus. It is a category c vaccine which should not be given to pregnant woman. I am sorry if I upset anyone but as women we need to unite and get the truth out there.
I don't know if the vaccine would really cause that. I know other pregnant women that had the vaccine and they are fine. Believe me, I want answers and would love nothing more than to have a reason for such an unexplainable tragedy. I was 23 weeks pregnant when I lost my daughter and I have also had 3 other healthy pregnancies. I have searched and searched for answers, but just can't seem to find any. I don't think we ever really can. I am depressed and crying a great deal, just hoping it gets easier to deal with as time passes!
I am so sorry for your loss. I am so depressed. There are 200 reported cases of stillborns and miscarriges since the vaccine was given. I am not sure that is what happened to my Ava Mae but I will not disregard this as a possibility. Would you please consider looking into this as our stories seem so much the same. Ava was fine and then I go for a routine check up and there is no heart beat. Why? Please call Eileen Dannemann at 631-907-4050 she is an advocate for us. She is working with many doctors who feel the same way. The vaccine was not safe and should never have been given to pregnant women. The vaccine in some places is advised not to be given before 20 weeks. According to Eileen some babies will make it and others won't. In the honor of my baby I am looking into this. I am her voice. I am sorry for your loss and I am here to talk to any time.
Hello ladies, I too recently experienced this nightmare. I lost my baby girl on Nov 27, 2009, so about 2 months ago now. I have been having a very hard time processing this loss. My pregnancy was perfectly healthy and about two weeks before I started to feel her move and little kicks. I never had the H1N1 shot. I did have a fibroid though that grew and they think caused me to go into labour because it outgrew its blood supply. I am so devastated and traumatized. This was my first pregnancy and we were so excited. We got pregnant the first month trying and she was due the day after my birthday. I was also pregnant at the same time as some of my girlfriends and we had such fun plans to do play dates and lose the weight together and everything. My doctors can't even say that was the cause but that was the only thing they could look to because all the tests done at the hospital came back normal. She was even kicking me the night before it all happened.
All I can say is that recently I have had some decent days. And my husband and I have been able to laugh again, although there are many days where we still just burst into tears in the middle of anything we are doing. The stages of grief are overwhelming. I've been sad, angry, guilt ridden all at the same time. Some days I feel crazy. Ladies we will get through this. God doesn't take us to what he can't bring us through. I still have the "why me" days but I just pray a lot when I feel like that and I try to just go with whatever I'm feeling so it can pass. I think the fact that wee are all sharing our stories helps on some level as well. I don't know about any of you but I felt so alone and that no one understood how I felt. If some of you write in regularly we can support each other.
rball, I am so sorry. I know your pain and it is so bad. Our babies were real to us and still are. No one got to meet them but we feel them and know them. People make me angry all the time.. I feel lost in my grief. I pray to my baby Ava when I am going to have a melt down and I ask her to help me. I believe she is with me every second. She has a purpose in death just as she would have in life. I am not sure what it is but I am trying to trust GOD with this one. I understand your grief and am here and will keep checking for your posts.
Hi jbv123,thanks for your condolences. I am very sorry for your loss as well. Our babies are very real. I mean we feel the pregnancy right from the beginning. And we have plans and hopes for these babies. For me, we just started buying some of the big ticket items like a really highend stroller and diaper bag. I was so looking forward to my little princess.
At this point I have stuck really close to home and working on getting myself in a good place before interacting with the world again. I talk to my mom and two friends who don't say stupid things and just listen and my husband's immediate family. Other people have told me its for the best, or that Mia is with God or that I'll have other children. I know they mean well but it doesn't help. I know she's with God and I'll have other children but it doesn't ease the pain of knowing I will never have her in this life. I will love my future babies but they will never replace her. It's such a confusing time. I pray to Mia as well and I just cry and call her name. My heart is broken.
jbv123, what coping mechanisms are you using to try to help? Doesn't it feel like nothing will help sometimes? By the way Ava is a beautiful name. I hope Mia and Ava become friends in heaven.
Hi rball, I cried when I read this. I know they are friends and they see us having a hard time. Thank you for writing that it made me happy. I am not coping well at all. I have three other little girls and I look at them and feel sad that she is not going to grow up with them.I feel misunderstood. I want to know why she died and the doctors have no real answers. I don't think I am going to try to have any more children. This only happened on Jan 14th and I went back to work already.I went back to work because at home I feel even less able to cope. I am going to go to mass tomorrow it is a dedicated mass for Ava and I get comfort there. I feel no woman should ever have to give birth this way. It is very tramatic. Thank you for being here. Cry in the shower it feels good.I cry loud and hard in there and no one hears me. I am trying to grieve the way I want because there is no right or wrong when you are grieving. I know how you feel when people say you will have another baby I get upset. No one could ever take Ava's place or Mia's place. And you said it best it is such a confusing time. God bless our beautiful angels Ava and Mia:)TTYL
HI jbv123, I want to thank you for being there for me also. I feel better talking to you.
You are very brave to be back at work so soon after your loss but I totally understand your need to keep your mind on other things. My loss was two months ago and I cannot return to work. I have taken a leave of absence. I can't go back there just yet and have the pity stares or people asking me questions. I have been distracting myself with finishing our house decor (we just bought our first house last year), and going to acupuncture and writing in my journal and whatever else I can find to do.
I'm in the same boat as you with the doctors. They can't tell me anything either. All they can point to is a small fibroid I have but then they go on to say that many women have fibroids and go on to have full term pregnancies. Then my doctor suggested surgery to remove it but then there were no guarantees how this surgery would affect future fertility. And all I can think about is getting pregnant again. I went and searched out new doctors and found a great one who will see me through my next pregnancy and will really monitor me well.
I will pray for Ava tomorrow for your service. We also had a church service for Mia and although I didn't even want to do it at first, I felt a lot of peace afterward somehow. It was hard hearing the priest say her name and talk about the innocence of babies and how God had called her home. We cremated her and have her in a little pink urn in a special room where we go pray everyday. I had to bring her home. I hope you find some peace after tomorrow. It won't get easier, only with time will that happen but you may feel some peace afterward. I am here whenever you need. I know in the last few weeks I have been able to laugh at something funny on tv and feel semi-human again. It takes time and we will never forget our angels but maybe one day we can appreciate the 20 weeks we had with them.
I too have had my shower rants. It does feel good because you can scream and cry and wash it all down the drain.
God bless your three precious girls and their angel sister Ava. Ava and Mia will be together watching over us forever.