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Spouse Left Me 3 Times in 6 Months (Page 2)


July 30th, 2009
Active User, very eHealthy
ServiceU might be right. I was thinking bipolar, but didn't want to say it. The Jekyll and Hyde attitude just doesn't add up. But from what you said, whenever she tells you you did something wrong, you make it right. Sounds like she likes the control she has over you. I just don't get the part where she tells you it won't work, then keeps coming back. Too much of this not making up her mind balony. She can't play with lives like that, and needs to be told as much. She married you, that was a REAL and valid decision. Now she thinks she can just come and go whenever the wind blows? Not in my book! And by the way, I'm Italian too...Sicilian to be exact. I don't know about you, but we are known for not taking any crap...so if I sound no nonsense, that's why!
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replied July 30th, 2009
Experienced User
Well after the second she left and told me that it wouldn't work, I figured that it was over. That's why I stopped talking to her. She came back to me and told me that she had made a mistake. That she knew it was a long road forward, but she was willing to work things out. I guess that why it's hard for me to believe her when she says let me go, move on. She said that twice already but obviously felt different after time.
Her parents aren't reallly helpful. I've explained to them that I was dumbfounded and out of ideas.
After she left the first time, I said what is so bad that you are willing end a marriage? Here's the list: we haven't been connected for a long time, that she had little sexual desire, that she didn't like that I went out with my friends a couple times a month (meanwhile she had been going out with her friends twice a month), I didn't care about the wedding, I don't have that "look" in my eyes.
While we were dating she never showed these types of emotions, I mean she would go through her moods, but never ever spoke about breaking up.
I went to the therapist by myself a week after we went together. After I spoke to him he said that he could feel a coldness in her. I told him a little more and he said that either she was cheating on me or she was bipolar or had borderline personality. He pleaded with me to see her on her own. I tried but she refused to go. She could be cheating; nothing would surprise me at this point.
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replied July 30th, 2009
Active User, very eHealthy
I thought that too, but didn't really want to say. I think there is something wrong with her. Those things she listed are so so rediculous, not worth breaking up a marriage over until all avenues have been researched for help. All I can tell you is, you can't force someone to love you and be with you, so for now, try and move on with your life. This might end up being a good thing for you, as it might have saved you years of misery with this woman, and had you had children, would have been even worse for all of you. I wish you all the best.
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replied July 30th, 2009
Experienced User
Well I just got home. She came by this morning and took some of her stuff. Nightstand, vacuum, clothes, etc. I don't know, that just made me so mad. I keep on going through this. I don't know why it's bothering me so much again, but I still cannot believe that she would move everything back in and decide within a couple of days to rip it all back out again. To me, that's completely nuts. You think that you would take a cooling off period and think about it? Nope, such a little baby. I still cannot believe that she'd do it again. What in God's world would lead you do make that move so quick again. I wish she had stayed gone after the first time. I should have never let her back into my life. I would have been completely over her by now and moving forward with my life. Sorry for the rant. You guys are right; I'll be better off in the long run, but it doesn't make stop my blood from boiling now. It's just so illogical.
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replied July 30th, 2009
Active User, very eHealthy
It is, and what sucks is she isn't giving you a valid reason for her actions. She is ending a MARRIAGE...this isn't some kind of game. Can you get some insight from any of her friends? Maybe one of them can give you some reasons for this...maybe something she told them? Whatever, keep the anger, it will get you through this. I always marvel at what people think gives them the right to play with other's lives like they do. You know the old saying..."what goes around, comes around.." She just might show up back at your door, around the time you have found someone else and moved on with your life. Ahh, revenge is sweet!
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replied July 30th, 2009
Community Volunteer
Interesting...I just paged through this again....One thing stood out...She was raised by rather strict folks and went to a Catholic High School....I, too, went to a Catholic High School as well as a Catholic grade school...Only if you have gone there can you be aware of what I am talking about...You are preached purity...Looking back, I found that you can make out in the car and get hot, but marriage changed everything...Only a woman who has not known this new invasion of her body can understand what I am saying...It no longer is dating and getting hot...It is a duty...A duty that must be performed even when you don't feel like it...If a woman is not mature enough to handle this, she literally breaks down...Maybe wants out...Can't realize it will get better and worst of all, can't decide if she wants this thing that she is doing, all her life...I guess what I am speaking about is marriages that go to the dogs...She just plain tolerates...With me, it started on the honeymoon night...After we had sex I laid there all night wondering what in the hell I had gotten myself into...It was about as much fun as washing the floor...Come to think of it...I hated it...I wished I was back in the parked car or wherever else we had made out...If she is young and inexperienced in the game of sex, it can be a rude awakening...I came to the point where I talked to my family about dissolving my marriage...Only I was pregnant...My brother made the brilliant statement of asking me if I had turned lesbian and hated sex...I just about bit his head off....Later I wondered if I did hate sex...I believe until a woman is truly a woman and accepts this sexual act for all that it is and gives it her all, that she is playing a game of let's pretend...Hence my misery....When I was 6 months pregnant and my husband had come home from his job in hopes for a quickie, it was only then while laying on the floor with my watching a soap opera did I finally pull his head down between my legs to eat me out...I had finally found my way out of the embarrassment of this letting go of my body and sharing it with my husband...It took me 6 months after marriage to get this far...I still had a long way to go finding his, but I now began this wonderful journey to sexual pleasure....

I believe these are the problems of your wife...Nobody can help her but herself...Maybe some drinks to loosen her up and possibly if you ever have a chance to talk to her about this problem that I think that she has, maybe she will read a letter like the one I had on earlier to you that I could send you....Tell her it is from another Catholic girl who lived with her parents up until the time she got married...Whose Mother screamed at her one night when she came in the door and her husband-to-be's cum was on her blue coat...Tell her that parents who don't show love between each other,make a child cold and frightened of what is ahead...Tell her what a wonderful young man that you are and that she could be making the biggest mistake of her life...Or else just let it be...

I don't think she is bi-polar anymore than I am bi-polar...She is frightened of life...Frightened to let go of this precious part of herself and making every excuse possible to make her freight that is governing her go away....

Caroline
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replied July 30th, 2009
Supporter
i m sorry you had to go through that! it doesnt seem fair that she didnt give it a fair chance with counseling.
i've been with a confused partner and it destroyed me inside loving someone so much.
what will you do if she decides she wants you back?
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replied July 30th, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
MandM wrote:

Here's the list: we haven't been connected for a long time, that she had little sexual desire, that she didn't like that I went out with my friends a couple times a month (meanwhile she had been going out with her friends twice a month), I didn't care about the wedding, I don't have that "look" in my eyes.


Sorry, MandM
I had a completely different view of what was going on in your conversations with your wife. This relationship is done. These are not concerns about the status of a relationship. They are excuses not to take accountability in one. There is no "we" in these statements. They are judgements rather than observations, meaning that she has come to a conclusion about the issue without consulting you. These aren't statements a woman who wants to be in a relationship makes. I'm guessing the times she came back to you were not attempts to fix the marriage but to avoid problems outside of it such as eviction or pressure from her family. I would not only not invite her back into your life but I'd suggest changing the locks, there is a pattern here for disregard for you. I wouldn't want a person like that having access to my home. If she needs more of her posessions she can arrange to get togather with you when you're at home.
I'm sorry, it sucks but holding onto her will only make things worse.
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replied July 30th, 2009
Experienced User
Hey All, Well I just got off the phone with her. We spoke for about an hour. This all boils down to that she hasn't loved me in a long time. She said that she hadn't had feelings for me since before we were married. She said that she was too afraid to tell me, but told her parents like a day before the wedding. She said that her parent made her get married at that point. She said that she couldn't pinpoint anything that happened to change her feelings towards me, rather she just lost them. She also considered me her best friend and companion, but could not love me in a real passionate way. She said that she couldn't offer me true love the way that a wife should to her man. She couldn't be passionate with me or be sexual with me. She said that she should have never married me and that she made a mistake. Even though I was a great catch and was virtually perfect, she could not conjure up on love me in a romantic way. She said that it was bothering her for a long time, but was too afraid to say anything and only came back because our parents and I were all upset.
Basically, I will only be a friend and nothing more. She said that there was nothing more that I could do for her, it was just her and not me. She explained that she had anger and coldness in her towards me and never could fully appreciate me because she was not passionate towards me. She also explained that if my mistake last week didn't happen, then it would have probably been something else. She said that there I would easily find someone else that could be a real wife to me that I deserve and something that would appreciate all the things I do.
I'm just emotionally drained right now. I did everything in the world for this person. Gave her love, but couldn't be loved back. I'm sad about the lonely future I have back in front of me. There's probably more that I am missing here. I'm just wiped out.
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replied July 30th, 2009
Supporter
that's the missing puzzle!
i am sorry you had to go through that, but you had to know to move on.
i dont know how you feel about being her friend! i can only imagine how hard it'll be when your hurt.
this shall pass, i promise you!!!!
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replied July 30th, 2009
Community Volunteer
I'm sorry, but like ServiceU said, this shall pass...Don't get pulled in again, let it go....

Good luck...
Caroline
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replied July 31st, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
MandM
The empty future would have been if your wife had left you trapped in a loveless marriage because she was afraid to be honest with you. Think of how much worse this could have been if her conscience didn't keep making her make havock in the relationship. You could have been togather without intimacy, fighting about whatever stupid thing came up that touched one of the other of you off. Her telling you that she hasn't loved you since the wedding hurts like hell but it is the best thing she could have done for you. Now you are free to pursue a life filled with possibilities. I think once the sting of this wears off you'll begin to see how much better your life has become.
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replied July 31st, 2009
Community Volunteer
I believe the intimacy issue in this relationship was the problem that she could not get past...Probably never will...Her's is the problem of many women...Many tolerate but she didn't...For a woman, sex is not all it is written up to be...Not like the movies...It hurts...Is messy and unless a woman is in erotic heat, most of her tolerates this act that invades her body...Until she can truly find the animal inside the woman and allow herself to release this instinct, it can be a chore...MandM, is not the problem...She both has not grown into who she may be in the future, nor has grown into the part of her that says "woman"...Then there is the possibility that he may not be the right man....
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replied July 31st, 2009
Experienced User
Thanks for all your kind words and motivation. I know that I am better off in the long run. I'm sure that it wouldn't have been beneficial for me to be in a loveless, sexless, unappreciative marriage.
I know that one day, she'll look back on this and realize what she lost.
Like the previous times, I am going to try to start a fresh page. I'm not really interested in being friends with her as that would be too painful for me. I guess that I am fearing change, when I should really be embracing it. I'm sure that I can find someone out there that would love me unconditionally and accept my love in return.
I appreciate everyone's input and experience!
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