THE 6TH OF THIS MONTH MARKED 6 MONTHS SINCE THE PASSING OF MY HUSBAND JERRY. HE WAS ONLY 35 YEARS OLD AND WAS TRULY ONE OF THE STRONGEST OUTSPOKEN MAN WHO WAS ALWAYS HELPING OTHERS BEFORE HIMSELF. IF U NEEDED A SHIRT HE WOULD HAVE GIVIN YOU THE ONE ON HIS BACK AND MORE. I SUM HIM CHARACTER UP BY SAYING HE WAS A GRIZZLY BEAR ON THE OUTSIDE BUT A TEDDY BEAR ON THE INSIDE. I STILL MISS HIM AND THE LIFE WE HAD BUILT TOGETHER. A FEW HAVE ASKED IF I HAVE BEEN ABLE TO MOVE ON OR GOTTEN OVER HIS DEATH. WHAT AN UNBELIEVABLE COMMENTTHAT IS AND I TELL THEM THAT I WILL NEVER GET OVER THE DEATH OF MY HUSBAND I STILL WONDER HOW I AM ABLE TO KEEP MOVING ON IM MY LIFE, I SAY ITS NOT EASY AND I HAVENT SEEN WHERE IT GETS EASIER YET I TAKE ON DAY AT A TIME AND NOW THE DAYS HAVE TURNED TO WEEKS AND THE WEEKS INTO MONTHS AND BEFORE I KNOW IT THERE WILL BE A WHOLE YEAR THAT PASSES WITHOUT HIM IN MY LIFE...AND LET ME SAY THAT CUTS INTO MY HEART LIKE PIERCING SHARP SWORD. MY HEART ACHES EVERY HOUR, MINUTE, AND SECOND THAT GOES BY BECAUSE OUR DREAM TOGETHER HAS NOW VANISHED AND I SHALL GROW OLD WITHOUT MY FRIEND, MY LOVER, MY TEACHER, MY SOULMATE, MY ABSOLUTE EVERYTHING AND STILL I CANT BELIEVE THAT HE IS GONE. I STILL NEED AND WANT HIM IN MY LIFE BUT I KNOW I CANT, BUT THAT DOESNT STOP THE FEELING OF WANTING HIM BACK NOT ONE BIT. BESIDES MY TWO BOYS I HAVE NEVER AND WILL NEVER AGAIN LOVE ANYONE ELSE IN MY LIFE LIKE I LOVED JERRY. I WOULD ALWAYS ASK HIM "I LOVE YOU, DO YOU LOVE ME"? HE WOULD ALWAYS SAY "YEP, FOREVER AND ALWAYS" ....AND I WILL FOREVER AND ALWAYS HOLD HIM IN MY HEART AND NEVER LET HIM GO BECAUSE I CANT, I WONT, NO MATTER WHAT ANYONE EVER SAYS ABOUT THE REASON I SHOULD TO MOVE ON...WHAT IF I DONT WANT TO "MOVE ON" WHY CANT I CONTINUE MY LIFE JOURNEY WITH HIM STILL IN MY HEART AND ON MY MIND. WHO IS ANYONE TO SAY THAT I CANT CRY THE MOST SADDEST TEARS FOR HIM EVERY DAY BECAUSE I LOVE HIM SO MUCH THAT I KNOW THAT TEARS ARE PROOF THAT LOVE IS ENTERNAL. I COULD NEVER STAND IN FRONT OF ANOTHER MAN AND SAY I LOVE U OR "I DO" BECAUSE I WONT;...IM SURE ALOT OF PEOPLE WOULD SAY NOW JUST WAIT IN TIME YOU NEVER KNOW U MIGHT MEET SOMEBODY..,,WHAT, NO I MIGHT MEET SOMEONE BUT THEY WILL NEVER TAKE HIS PLACE AND THEY WILL NEVER GET THE PIECE OF MY HEART AND SOUL THAT TAKES TO LOVE SOMEONE BECAUSE JERRY TOOK THAT WITH HIM. HE PASSED AWAY ON FEB. 6, 2012 OF METASTATIC COLON CANCER...6FOOT TALL 300 POUND AND STRONG AS A BULL WHO NEVER LET ANYONE OR ANYTHING STAND IN HIS WAY AND WAS ALWAYS ON THE GO. CANCER TOOK HIM OUT WEIGHING 120, NO VOICE, BUT HE FOUGHT TILL THE LAST MINUTE. I FED HIM HIS LAST MEAL(THOUGH I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS) THE NIGHT BEFORE, OUR SONG BY LIFEHOUSE -U AND ME THAT HE SUNG TO ME EVERYDAY...I PLAYED IT INTO MY HEADPHONES AND PUT IT TO HIS EAR AS HE LAY STILL FIGHTING FOR HIS BREATH AND WHEN I HELD THAT EARPHONE TO HIS EAR HE HEARD THE SONG AND LIFTED HIS HEAD AS IF HE WAS TRYING TO SING IT...THIS TIME I STARTED SINGING AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD THO NOT ABLE TO SEE HE LISTENED AS I SANG OUR SONG TO HIM ONE FINAL TIME. AS I SAT UP IN MY CHAIR I HELD HIS HAND AND TOLD HIM IT WAS OK IF HE DIDNT WANT TO HURT ANYMORE THAT HE COULD GO...AND I WATCHED AS HE TOOK HIS LAST AND FINAL BREATH....THATS WHERE I FELT MY HEART SHATTER INTO PIECES, IT LEPT OUT OF MY CHEST AND HIT THE BOTTOM MOST PART OF MY STOMACH,,,,YES MAYBE I AM BLESSED THAT I COULD BE THERE WITH HIM BUT THAT MOMENT WILL NEVER EVER LEAVE MY HEART AND MIND. AND I JUST DONT CARE WHAT ANYONE THINKS IF I CRY FOR HIM EVERY DAY OR I GET DEPRESSED AND JUST WANNNA BE ALONE....SURE THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO HAVE LOST JUST AS I HAVE BUT EMOTIONS ARE DIFFERENT IN EVERY PERSON AND I AND YOU AS WELL DONT HAVE TO STOP CRYING UNTIL WE WANT TO....OH THEY SAY HE WOULDNT WANT TO SEE YOU HURTING LIKE THIS....THEN WHY DID HE HAVE TO GO, HUH? WHY? IS THAT THE KARMA DEAL STRIKING DOWN...HE SAID ONCE WHAT HAVE I DONE AS A PERSON TO GET THIS DISEASE THAT IS KILLING ME WHAT WRONG DID I DO TO SOMEONE...I COULDNT ANSWER THAT....I GUESS WHAT I MEAN TO SAY IS MOURN FOR LOVE AS MUCH AND AS LONG AS YOU WANT THE ONLY THING THAT IS UNHEALTHY IS LETTING IT CONSUME U INTO WANTING TO BE WITH HIM WHICH I DID ONE MONTH AFTER AND ALMOST KILLED MYSELF...I DONT WANT TO DO THAT ANYMORE BUT I DONT WANT TO BE WITHOUT HIM EITHER....WHAT CAN YOU DO BUT JUST GET UP EVERYDAY AND DEAL WITH LIFE AS IT COMES AT YOU AND WHEN YOU FEEL THAT FEELING OF HIS PRESENCE THEN TAKE THAT FEELING IN. WHEN U SEE SOMETHING IN YOUR DAY THAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT REMINDS ME OF HIM...TAKE IT AS A SIGN THAT HE IS THERE SHOWING U WHAT U SEE...I HAVE TO DO THAT MYSELF BECAUSE I HAVENT EVEN HAD A DREAM WITH JERRY IN IT SINCE HE LEFT, I WILL TELL YOU THAT I SIT AT NIGHT AND LISTEN AND WAIT BECAUSE I BELIEVE HE SHOULD COME TO ME AND LET ME KNOW HE IS OK AND THAT I CAN BE OK WITHOUT HIM AND I DONT BELIEVE THAT I CAN BE WITHOUT SOMETHING LIKE THAT,,,I UNDERSTAND YOUR FEELINGS AND HOPE THAT U DONT LET GO OF YOUR HUSBANDS LOVE UNLESS YOU WANT TOO OR FEEL U NEED TOO AND DONT LET PEOPLE KEEP TELLING YOU THAT TIME WILL MAKE IT BETTER BECAUSE HONESTLY MYSELF, IM SICK OF HEARING THAT....U TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF AND KEEP LOOKING UP AT THE STARS BECAUSE THERE IS ONE UP THERE SHINING DOWN ON YOU
help the pain. HELP ME if u can.
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