Hello.I can't handle all the stuff that has been happening recently. It's too much. Please, someone help me.
My name is Grace. I am 13 years old, a touch bipolar, and possibly have an inferiority complex depression.
It all started two years ago. The depression, I mean.
In the summer of my 6th grade year, my grandmother, my last grandparent, died.
A few months later, one of my cats disappeared. And another cat a few months later vanished as well. Both I had for as long as I could remember.
6 months later, a cat who we had since he was a kitten, and who was older then me, had to be put down.
And another passed away a few weeks after that.
Then, a week ago, we found out that my cousin was dying. She had a terminal disease, and all the doctors said she wouldn't live past twenty. She's 29, and now she's dying. My mother flew out to Virginia to see her.
While she was gone, my dog, who we have also had my entire life, finally snapped, and attacked my dad. The dog had to be put down.
Without my mother to talk to, I snapped. Broke down sobbing in the middle of class (twice) two days ago.
Now my mother is back, but I don't feel better. I have no energy, and I just want to curl into a ball and sleep, because you don't have to think when you sleep. I feel like I'm being crushed.
I used to be an insomniac, but I thought I had gotten rid of it. Now I can't sleep again.
I've always tried to compare myself to my sister, but she's brilliant, beautiful, and talented in so many ways. And she's not exactly nice to me. Not mean, usually, but she never supports me, and insults me all the time. Hence the inferiority complex.
Also, I hate pity. I hate people treating me like I'm fragile and broken. That's why I don't tell my friends my problems. That, and they have enough problems. They don't need mine. My job is to listen to their problems, not to list mine. I also hate self-pity, and so I don't let myself confront my issues and, consequently, feel bad myself.
This is starting to affect my brain and my actions. I can't think, and I've developed several nervous tics. I've made more typos on this little entry then I can count. I also twitch.
I believe the stress of events combined with the pressure to do well in school, and the frustration at the immaturity and stupidity of those around me is driving me to depression. I don't think I'l go as far as suicide (although the thought has occurred to me), but I definitely need help.
I apologize for any errors in this comment.
You are focusing on all the bad things that have happened. I'd have to say the thing with cats is quite common. They wander off and find a new owner and you never hear of them again. Or they may get run over etc. Cats wander, it's their way and they do get lost.
The many other things? At 13 you are to young to be despairing. I had it from age 10, I'm now 60 and still dealing with it. Never gave up, always had hope and had many periods of relief during those years. I'm bp2 by the way.
And yes, it does seem that if we say nothing of our troubles, everyone comes to us to unload. Unfair. But it does show they respect you.
Go see a doctor please, that's the way to resolve this.
Thank you for your advice.
I believe it's having such an effect on me because of the short time span; my life was virtually perfect before my grandmother died, and I've been on a slippery slope ever since.
Maybe I'll take your advice, because this is becoming a problem. I can't sleep, I can only force myself to eat a little, and I look like an absolute wreck. I think I need to stop hiding it, because I might go insane otherwise.
I used to hate the way I looked. I would always compare myself to others. Whenever a girl really liked me, I told her that I didn't like her back because I hated what I looked like. I actually did like her. A lot. But I hated the way I looked so much that I couldn't stand the idea of someone liking me. This all happened whenever I was 13. In some ways, looking back, I really regret not being honest with her and telling her how I felt. It was all because I disliked my looks and couldn't believe that anyone else liked my looks.
Pretty much, I lost out on one of my best opportunities to get a girlfriend. (she had been my friend for a while)
Over time, (I'm 18 now) I've learned somewhat to control my feelings of self hatred. I've learned, mostly, to stop comparing myself to others. I still struggle to relate to people (I'm a bit of an outcast) but I no longer worry about if I look bad. I think an important part of maturity is learning to love yourself. I've struggled to learn to love myself. But I'm getting better at it.
Try to cut yourself a break. Your sister is beautiful in her own way. You, for sure, are beautiful in your own way as well. Likewise, I am beautiful in my own way. Try not to compare yourself so much. Remember that you are unique and that beauty can be shown in many ways. I know some people who are attractive on the outside but are totally vacant on the inside. They are just awful people. And it repulses me. But when I see a girl, no matter her looks, who is confident in her personality and is nice and courteous, it makes her more attractive.
We all are attractive to somebody. Just give it time. Thanks for sharing your story. Perhaps you should seek out psychiatric help for your self-hatred.