I'm in high school right now and I'm struggling with the social stuff. sometimes I'll have a spread of days when I'm really good and actually enjoy talking to people and other days I'll just be at a loss; wandering around campus, staying in the bathroom when i don't have class... it's getting really pathetic. what sucks about it is people expect me to be talkative and relaxed and instead im always tripping over words and shaking and taking too long to reply to people because im trying to think of something to say that will intrigue them.

i have two really close friends outside of school but lately I've been feeling like we don't have much to talk about and its my fault because I just don't know what there is to talk about. I find myself repeating things we all used to think were funny or interesting and just getting looks back from them that make me want to leave.

i think this all started back in my sophomore year when i tried to become popular by becoming more dismissive and judgmental to try and get over my insecurities about being judged etc. at my school the rude people who don't give anyone the time of day come out on top and i was dumb enough to think that that was a good way to live. i never really was able to be messed up or anything, but i feel that when i tried to erase my personality i actually did?? or something because i honestly don't know how i feel comfortable acting. I don't know myself.

when people make comments about me that they don't mean for me to take seriously i always do and blow them way out of proportion. i'm sick of being so dumb about stuff and i'm embarrassed by myself but as hard as i try to get over this social awkwardness it just worsens. this is just ridiculous and it would be great if someone could give me insight or a suggestion about what to do because this is not how i want to remember being 16.

thanks