Before I tell you my story, I am an 18 year old, male, senior in HS, who plays varsity soccer and is not very social due to my mental problems. I have been in Catholic School my whole life, and I am not super religious but I do believe in God.
Ever since I was in the fifth grade or so, I have dealt with social anxiety. When I was younger I overcame this by being the class clown and also saying the meanest things to others if they had said anything about me that was remotely unkind. I also hated it when the more popular kids in my class made fun of the nerds or the strange kids. I never wanted to be made fun of so whenever someone tried to make fun of me or someone else, I would think of the best comeback so they would never even think about making fun of me or someone else ever again. In all honesty I think I was pretty insecure.
Once eighth grade hit, my world pretty much flipped upside down. I was watching an episode of dateline with my dad and it was about a woman being kidnapped, raped, and murdered. My initial response was "whoever did this is so sick in the head" but then about 5 minutes later I thought "what if I raped someone." I felt so guilty and i felt like scum. Over the years, I've had a lot of sick thoughts such as "what if a knife slipped out of my hand and it stabbed one of my parents" or "what if I killed the dog." Initially, i think i just had social anxiety, then OCD, and finally depression due to being cut from soccer my sophomore year and my uncle passing away from lung cancer within 2 weeks of each other. I just felt as if there is no end to all this confusion and pain.
I have had a few symptoms such as a stiff neck and some memory loss as of recent. I know there is a chemical imbalance in my head, I'm almost positive. I haven't talked to my doctor even though this has been going on for four years.
I told my parents I was depressed last winter, but then they asked why and I couldn't tell them. A week passed and i told them i overcame it. About 3 weeks ago my dad asked me if I was depressed because it was a saturday night and i wasn't doing anything which was strange for me and I just said i was tired. And for the record, i do have faith that i will be able to get out of this mess, however I just don't know where to begin.
I don't know how to approach this, I really need help. If anyone can lead me in the right direction I would appreciate it alot.