Medical Questions > Relationships > Single and Struggling Forum

So single it hurts

I’m so miserable and can’t tell anyone about it.
I’m over 30 and so alone it hurts. I have lots of friends, I have an outgoing personality and I go out most weekends to bars or parties but I have no luck meeting anyone who’s interested in me.
This year I have met a couple of nice guys – 2 in particular, and both asked for my number, one even took my e-mail, but I heard nothing from them. I’d rather they had just said they were not interested because now I sit here not knowing what I did that made them not call.
I was with a guy for 2 years, but it turns out he didn’t see us together forever even though he used to say it all the time. Looking back he didn’t treat me well or like a girlfriend and it took a while to get over him.
I used to get asked out a lot when I lived in another city, but now I’m living in a smaller place and haven’t been on more than a 1st date in 4 years. The only guys I meet want to sleep with me and nothing more, I know I’m worth more than that (even though I didn’t think that 10 years ago).
I don’t know what to do. Ok, so I’m overweight, so I put it down to that, but I see lots of girls who are like me with guys.
I’m so sad and can’t confide in anyone. My mom says “you’ll meet someone in time” and that’s the worst thing someone can say and my best friend says “who needs a man.” I don’t NEED one, I just want to share my life with someone and not spend evenings alone.
The loneliness hurts so bad. I can’t sleep because I think about my life, especially when I see pictures of people I was in school with on Facebook and they have husbands and children and look so happy.
I just want someone I love to love me back.
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First Helper protoman89
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replied November 6th, 2010
Misscat,

I am 21 and believe me, most men are not as mature as they seem to be. Age, as one of my friends say, is just a number. Find someone mature, hang out with him, always look your best. Okay, so your are overweight, what are you doing about it? Go to the gym, make some friends, have fun!

Men don't want or need a sad case, same as women do. We want someone who is something else to love. Believe me, I use to look back at my quest for love and it was very pointless due to the fact that I looked in all the wrong places. I had the same crisis as you did when I was 18, since 2 years ago I've been on relationships and they weren't all that cracked up to be as well as yours.

I don't go out looking for a woman to sleep with, don't get me wrong, I still believe in love, but I am far more picky now as to who I let in my inner circle.

the "you'll meet someone in time" and "who needs a man" lines are only things parents and friends say to comfort us in our singlehood but in fact it hurts. The only thing I can say is that you, as a person, are a great person with very good feelings and very caring, but really, you need to be complete in order to look for someone.

We are never complete without another person to complete us, I know, but we can be as complete as possible so that when that other person comes we share our lives with them and not live FOR them! Your thinking is that, since you have no boyfriend/husband you are somehow "odd" or "incomplete" and this is not the case. As one who went through that trail of thought I have to say you are wrong. Think for a second and think of all the people you have met, of all the accomplishments you have done, did you need someone back then? No you did not.

To be a couple means to be with someone who has the same vision as you do, not someone to FORCE yourself or him to have the same vision.

And I know, I might be young because of my age and perhaps you could argue that you could be my mother (which is very unlikely as my mom is 42 at the time of this writing so good luck on that) but take my advice, and don't worry about it, try to be successful and a man who is successful will look at you.

So my advice could be resumed into the following:

1) don't feel like you are incomplete, because you are a wonderful person judging on your writing. Don't put yourself down and do things for yourself.

2) Try to meet guys at other places. Believe me there are guys out there who would want a woman like you.

3) try to change your mentality from one of "HE has to be ANYONE, somebody, and I will walk with him to his death!" to "Alright, I want a man who can have some distance and I can have distance too but also that we can support each other's goals and aspirations and that he loves me and cares about me".

4) stop looking for that "guy". Believe me when I say that most relationships happen by mere accident. Also, I bet there have been nice guys who were just dying to talk to you but didn't have the balls to do so (as it happens very often with us the good guys, we never talk).

Hope this helps. Also you can PM me if you need anything Smile.
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replied January 9th, 2011
it can be sad to be alone... i have been alone for ten yrs so i know what you mean... i have dated women in the past however my luck recently has been not so good.

Some guys are all about sex, sex is good to have however it is not the most important thing which i desire...
I just want to hold a woman again, a woman who wants to hold me, you know...
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replied January 22nd, 2011
i feel you girl. I'm a guy, 30 and i have an old personality, an old soul. Most women my age don't want me, younger women think i'm "old" just by age alone and of course much older women love me. I am a walking talking hypocrit in many ways but in love, i'm true and just and that has kept me alone and single and yes, it does hurt. My parents say that If i were to get online...that doesn't work and i'm just not going to pay for someone to find me someone. I just prefer not to go that way. then there's all the "free" sites and believe me, you get what you pay for...nothing lol. I'm a bit over weight myself, not too big though but media and music has really turned our culture into a bunch of surface dwellers...meaning that all we care about is how good a person looks or what they can do for me or what kind of status can they project onto me. It's really sad because natural love and connection is dying and I really don't find it fair that those who couldn't care less about falling in love are with kids and a spouse and have the very things that I want and I who desire love and all the great and maybe not so great things that come with it, can't even go out on a date. Society, are you kidding me? Seems like i have failed and I'm only 30. Been single for 10 years, and I have hated every bit of my singlehood. my sis and bro are like,"enjoy your singlehood" but that's like saying, enjoy your sleep, for 10 years straight...don't know about you but an ongoing sleep for years straight is called a coma lol. and that's what i seem to be in, a love life coma with no signs of waking up, all i tend to do is dream apparently.

i feel you all and am praying for change for the better for all of us hopefull singles out there.
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replied August 14th, 2011
I know what you mean guys, being single SUCKS!!! I was in one relationship after another from the age of 17 till 26 each one lasting between 2 and 4 years. Anyhow, after getting my heart badly broken for the forth time, after feeling like it had been ripped out (and was hanging from the centre of my rib cage like a lead weight being kicked around as I walked, tugging on me with every step) and torn apart one too many times, I realised that it was time to stop. So, how did I get out of getting into relationships? I decided to ban flirting, make up and clothes that made me look attractive in any way, shape or form. Since then I've aged. I'm now 31. I can't speak to men without feeling scared they're going to hurt me, last boyfriend beat me up see. I don't dare put on make up as I don't want anyone to look at me in case they like me and incase I like them which means I might end up being with someone which means I will probably get hurt again and quite frankly I just don't think I've got it in me to get hurt again, I don't actually think I would be able to survive it. Yes and even if I do put on make up I'm a !**@!. Well I'm a size 12 whereas I've always been an 8-10, I just refuse to starve myself or throw up anymore to be skinny. Ok rant almost out of the way. I don't want to be alone anymore and I don't think anyone will want to be with me, well to be honest I usually have a couple of guys after me but they either just want sex or a mother figure Sad Help... Are there any together guys that might be interested anywhere? I spent tonight eating ice cream in front of the telly again because I'm so sad and lonely Sad BOO HOO HOO!!!
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replied August 15th, 2011
Welcome to the club. That's my situation right there only I'm not as lucky as you. I'm 24 and soon to be 25 in a week or so and I'm an absolute virgin. Never had sex, never kissed, been on one date. I can make friends very easily, in fact, most of my friends are girls, but nothing more. Seems all I'm good at is being a friend. My birthday will be awkward. Lot's of relatives which means lots of questions about my relationship status. It's embarrassing to have to say no to all them.
I've been told I'm a decent looking guy, maybe more personality than anything, but I am a runt compared to most others. 5'7" and 150 wet with clothes and shoes on, its easy to be overlooked and not taken seriously.
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replied October 6th, 2011
Hey there.I feel a little better after reading these posts.I'm not alone SmileI am 25,decent looking,can look hot too sometimes,smart but very very single.I have barely kissed.It's almost embarrassing to have not lost my virginity.People find it unbelievable. Of course there are men I can have meaningless sex with but I don't want that.In my country arranged marriage is very common so will probably opt for that.But I want to 1st be in a relationship atleast.Its an experience I dont want to miss out on.I feel very lonely and unattractive noways.I try to meet more people and all but nothing seems to be working.It's embarrassing to whine about it to friends,seems silly.I know this is not going to help you but you know now there is an additional member to the club Smile
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