This is probably the worst I have ever felt. I don't know who I am anymore or how I got to be like who i am now. No matter how many people I surround myself with I still feel alone. I'm not smart talented or anything. I'm no one. I just want it to go away. I have a few close friends but I don't feel comfortable talking to them about the way I feel. I can't talk to anyone I'm too embarrassed. Anway I started at a new school this year hoping for a new start so I could be someone else. I screwed that up and now I don't have any real friends there. I am a really shy and insecure person and I didnt want to be anymore. I had the chance to reinvent myself but I completely blew it. I don't know what to do anymore. I've been avoiding school because of it.I thought it would be better to be known as someone who was absent all the time instead of quiet. For a long time now I've been so senseitive to peoples comments and I always take it to heart even though I don't show it most of the time. No matter what I do its just never going to be enough. Im sick of being no one. I have never felt good about myself and just don't want to be here. I feel bad about lying to my parents and friends cause I know they don't deserve someone like me. And I also feel bad because I have a great life and great education but I'm not using it, Its not fair to those who dont. I'm worried about what I'll do to myself in the heat of the moment. I can never concentrate on homework anymore and it takes me a long time to study. I used be able to put all my effort into my schoolwork and i would always try my best. Now i cant do that.
My mum made me go see a counsellor a couple of days ago and it was really scary. I always keep to myself and when I tried to tell the counselor how I felt.. I just couldnt and I felt so stupid. Whenever I tried to say something I just started crying or stared at the ground and feel such an idiot. She asked me what my favourite tv show was and I couldnt even answer that. I don't know what to do anymore just so lost.
I just lurking around try to find a cure for self esteem.
I find your posting interesting, i try to write something as no one did answer you by now.
You did not really write a question. You said you want to reinvent yourself. To do this you would need to leave your old identity behind and take an other one without falling back.
On the other hand you made your experiences you grow into what you are now. The experiences made you feel the way you feel now. To feel different you need to change the experience or make new.
One way to do this might be to go back in your mind to the experience that made you that way and try to imagine it new. This could reprogram your feelings (feeling work not the same way as mind does).
You said you feel distance to everyone. Do you want to connect to them or do you want to feel distance?
Always remember one thing:
There are many special and precious people outside who feel like they are no one or who never think good about themselves. This is never the reality, we cannot see what part of the big puzzle we really are. This "no one" is only about the way we feel in comparison with others but its only a role in society. What makes the social life not easier but it helps a bit.