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Smiling Depression

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Hello. I'm new here after taking my wife's advice to find an outlet. I'm not diagnosed as depressive. I have not seen a doctor. Part of me knows I should but I've been too afraid. I'm just unsure as to what I'm experiencing. I feel sadness. Chronic sadness. For no reason. My life is good. Good job, great wife, no money issues or children to worry about. I'm just in a dark place, shifting between feeling numb and then anger and un-released rage. Under it all is this sadness. Emptiness. I feel irrelevant and insignificant. I've been down before. I go through periods of happiness and then periods of a more downbeat outlook. Never like this though. For the last 5 maybe 6 weeks I've just felt completely alone.

Yesterday I broke down and opened up to my wife. I felt I was losing her. I wasn't. That being said I cried on an off for two hours whilst at work. Hiding away of course. Nobody else in my life knows anything of how I feel.

This is why I ask about smiling depression. There have been some high profile cases and i'm wondering where I fit in. I'm the joker of the pack. The idiot. The guy willing to poke as much fun at himself as others. Everyone sees this. Everyone knows me for it. It's a false pretence and coping mechanism. I'm at work everyday and when I'm with friends I'm outgoing and quite extroverted. Behind it I feel empty, sad, worthless, guilty, weak (mentally, not physically) amongst many other emotions. I'm tired of the struggle. I'm not suicidal. I'm not in anyway looking to hurt myself. I just want a quiet, dark hole to live in and for people to leave me alone.
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replied September 21st, 2012
Im exactly the same, i feel i have to be extrovert and bubbly and confident and make jokes cos this is my coping mechanism too.. your not alone. Its great that you've opened up to your wife, thats a good first step! I would recommend beginning CBT talking therapy to get to the bottom of why you are feeling like this and also if u want something to help ride you through it a bit easier then i suggest maybe taking some form of medication even a small dose that can help you along your way to recovery. Good luck to you Smile
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replied January 21st, 2013
my kids and i are going through same thing with my partner , we all watched him fall apart for months and now he has walked out saying just want to be on my own thats all , it really hurts us to see him happy and enjoying himself while we are sobbing
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