Womens Chat Forum - sleeping in separate rooms

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Q: sleeping in separate rooms

asked by: lil_scorpio on May 7th, 2008

Experienced User

Well, here's the story. I have been with my boyfriend for 4 1/2 years now. We have lived together for about 3 years. Most of this time I have had my OWN room. I have my own stuff, my own bed, and this, of course, is where I sleep every night.

We started to sleep in separate rooms because he snored so loud that I had a hard time sleeping. That wasn't so bad, but it became unbearable when he started to kick and twitch. He went to a doc about it, was told he may have Restless Leg Syndrome, but he didn't want to spend the time or money on fixing it. Therefore, I chose to sleep in my room more often.

Then, almost 2 1/2 years ago, I started a 2nd shift job. He works 1st shift. This totally threw everything off. I'm just going to bed when his alarm starts to go off for him to get up. I tried sleeping in the same room with him off and on, but he'd expect me to say up with him until 4:45 am when he'd leave for work! I was so dead tired and I couldn't do it anymore. Besides, it wasn't fair to me.

I guess this is my current problem: I've noticed lately that he's become "sensitive" to the fact that we don't sleep in the same room. He has had two guy friends recently ask him why we are arranged this way, and he seems to be embarrassed by it. It hurts my feelings because he starts to act like we are freaks or something and nags me to try to sleep with him.

There are several times a week when I do go lie down with him and I just watch tv until he drifts off, then I go to my room. He always seems to get hurt when he notices I'm leaving and tries to make me feel guilty about it. I'm just tired of having to sacrifice my sleep for his selfishness and because he's embarrassed because of his buddies asking questions and thinking that we're strange or something. I have had friends ask about it before. At first I always get a shocked response, or a laughing fit, but when I explain why things are the way they are, my friends understand.

Anyway, he's been acting sensitive about this lately and really making me feel guilty (for NO reason!). It's really irritating. He's been so moody with me lately, no telling why really, but I did notice that all of this "sleeping in the same room" thing started to come up around the same time.

Is there any of you ladies who have dealt with or still are dealing with this kind of situation? I'm not really sure what to do. I can't sleep in the same room with him because I just CAN'T sleep! But I also feel this rift between us because this is one simi- important thing that we don't share. Any suggestions? I'd love any kind of comment. I'm just not sure who to ask about this situation.

Thanks

Replies(23)

PenguinsRus

replied on May 7th, 2008

Supporter

I am sorry to hear that you are going through such a tough time with him. My boyfriend and I have lived together over a year and he has a snoring problem too. For the first few months I couldn't stand it. We'd take turns sleeping on the couch. Eventually we looked into things to fix it and fortunately we found a few things that helped with the snoring.

1. He made sure to drink a lot before bed so his throat wasn't dry
2. He took a snore spray
3. We kept him off his back. When he laid on his back was when he would snore like crazy. He would always roll on his back so we found that if we put a tennis ball into the back of his shirt with a rubber band, it would keep him on his sides while sleeping.

Have you sat down and had a serious talk with your boyfriend about it? He seems hurt by it, so I would recommend sitting down with him and gently breaking it to him that how he is acting is hurting your feelings. Maybe you guys can come to form a solution together.

Good luck; I hope things start to get better!

Users who thank PenguinsRus for this post: lil_scorpio

Rosie H

replied on May 7th, 2008

Extremely eHealthy

I have never been in this situation before and Im sorry that some people have thought you are strange. What ever works for you may not work for every other couple. I think you need to have a talk with him to see exactly what hes feeling. Try to see if its from what his friends are saying or from what he actually feels. Maybe hes starting to want you next to him and he feels bad that your not there. If thats the case then he also needs to meet your needs too. Like being quiet when he wakes up and trying to do something about his snoring. You both have to meet halfway.

Users who thank Rosie H for this post: lil_scorpio

lil_scorpio

replied on May 15th, 2008

Experienced User

Thanks for the information. I will try to talk to him about this and see if we can come to a soultion. Thanks again for the information! =)

eeyore46

replied on May 15th, 2008

Experienced User

Buy ear plugs - lol. My husband and I have different schedules and he finally bought ear plugs. I know that sounds weird, but I don't have to worry about waking him up this way. I know that will not help the restless leg syndrome. I feel my husand has it too. He sleeps on his back a lot with his legs up and snores when he is on his back. It does not bother me most nights, but a lot of times I can't sleep because of this. I hate to nudge him so that he will sleep on his side, but I have to a lot of times. Once I fall asleep, it doesn't bother me. We bought a fan, and it drowns out most of the noise that once kept me awake.

Users who thank eeyore46 for this post: lil_scorpio

anniek

replied on May 15th, 2008

Experienced User

Don't feel bad. My husband and I have been married for 8 years and we don't sleep in the same bed most of the time. He says I move around too much. I can't fall asleep with out the tv on and he can't fall asleep with it on. So on so forth. Sometimes we do but not very often. He pointed out the more we didn't sleep in the same bed the better sex life we had! I don't know why but it works for us. So just talk to him about why it bothers him. If its because of his friends then get over it his friends can't tell him what is right. If he really is bothered by it you guys both need to talk about what needs to happen to make it work then. Good luck!!

Users who thank anniek for this post: lil_scorpio

eeyore46

replied on May 15th, 2008

Experienced User

Maybe a king size bed, and as I stated earlier, ear plugs! haha But, if you sleep better in your own space, and he knows you truly love him, it will all work out.

Users who thank eeyore46 for this post: lil_scorpio

krystineM

replied on May 16th, 2008

Extremely eHealthy

my fiancee does this too, not snoring so much, but he twitches in his sleep.
it doesnt bother me so much, but sometimes if im really tired i goto bed before he does, and he plays some video games on the computer.
lol when he does snore, i just nudge him a little and he stops right away.
Maybe you could get those nazle strips which are supposed to help with snoring/allergies/colds, i hear their good, i've never used them. Do you know what im talking about?
Maybe you guys could try working out your schedules if thats possible at all, that way you could spend a little more time together.
So he doesnt kick you, put a pillow between you so he hits the pillow and not you, or a new bed like someone had said too.
When my fiancee and i go out sometimes we would get a hotel and they have the BIG BIG beds lol, we'd both sleep really well at night.
And like others have also said, talk to him about it, about why you sleep in one room, that you love him, and possible ways to work the situation out.
Hope that helped a little Smile

Users who thank krystineM for this post: lil_scorpio

PenguinsRus

replied on May 16th, 2008

Supporter

Hi scorpio, have you talked to him yet? Have the two of you been able to work anything out? Keep us updated; good luck!

lil_scorpio

replied on June 26th, 2008

Experienced User

Hi everybody. Thanks for all of the great advice! I have talked to him about the situation, and not much has changed. He's not complaining as much as he was. I explained to him that I am more comfortable sleeping in my own bed, in my own room and I can't change that. I also said that if he gets lonely or wants me around that I will lay by him until he falls asleep and then I'll do my own thing. I can't force myself to go to sleep when he does, as I mentioned we are on different scheduels, but I can stay by him for awhile until he falls asleep. Thanks again everybody!

worrywart01

replied on June 26th, 2008

Extremely eHealthy

i cant imagine moving in with my boyfriend, he'll usually stay over at my house most nights but I do the same thing you do..we'll cuddle before bed and then usually i'll wake up and just go to my own bed..it doesn't bother him and certainly not me,i just sleep so much better, the times we have shared my small full bed I didn't get ANY sleep from his moving and snoring! If I go to his place his bed is bigger and if I can get to sleep before he does and starts snoring usually I'm fine...so i understand how you feel! I dont know what we'd do if we moved in together!

Traumerei

replied on June 26th, 2008

New User

This sounds exactly like what happened between my mom and dad. My father went in to see a doctor on his sleeping patterns, and he was diagnosed with sleep apnea. Afterwords my mother moved back into the room and he quit complaining about it. I'm not sure if people with these sleeping issues realize how disrupting they can be.

Roberta777

replied on June 26th, 2008

Active User, very eHealthy

Traumerei Thanks!

Snoring is caused in some cases because the person stops breathing for a moment and they wake up and breath again. It is indeed called sleep apnea. You can go in and be tested.

My late husband was tested and went to sleep and woke up 60 times in one hour. We didn't sleep in the same room for many years. Talk about miserable to have somebody twitching or snoring.

We share our lives with each other. There is no reason to lay in a bed tortured to death with snoring when they can have their peace and you can have yours.

Until a person has gone through this, they have absolutely no clue what you are talking about.

Sometimes, being overweight is also a big factor in sleep apnea. It is best to be tested and they can put you on a breathing machine which forces oxygen into your lungs to keep your breathing. My husband was so sweet and good about it. He never complained. It prolonged his life.

Good luck to you and remember that a lot of people have their own rooms and own spaces. I have had mine most of my life.

Bobbie

Torwadeo

replied on October 8th, 2008

New User

I do not understand why people feel they need to sleep next to someone. Whats the big deal. My spouse and I sleep together now, but I want my own room...

lil_scorpio

replied on October 9th, 2008

Experienced User

Torwadeo

Thanks for the reply Torwadeo. I know what you mean, I love having my own room and I wouldn't want it any other way. I've tried sleeping next to my boyfriend and it's always a pain in the neck. I'm used to being alone and I guess he is too because he almost always ends up elbowing me or hogging the bed, forgetting that I'm there. I like having my own space and doing things my way. Thanks for the support. =)

samrella

replied on October 15th, 2008

New User

RLS

I have RLS and was given MIRAPEX it really helps restless leg syndrome. My legs don't twitch or feel like ants running up and down them anymore and it's been 4 years.. Mention it to your doctor.
Sandy

diamondsz

replied on October 16th, 2008

Extremely eHealthy

I snore if I am on my back, if I drink or if Im outright exhausted, not really loud though, anyway, if I sleep on my side I was told I dont or rarely snore, just another idea.

As for the restless leg syndrome I heard there os organic stuff you can take, intimacy is a big part of relationship, maybe make it so you sleep together at least one night maybe?

nicole23

replied on October 24th, 2008

New User

i think that u should be really proud that he wants u with him. ask him to get meds for the for his problems if he dont, use ear plugs and twin beds next to eachother then seperarte them when going to sleep its not his fault that he has the problems i wouldnt wanna take more meds myself seeing what its doing to ppl on tv and law suits ppl dieing and having strokes certaianly u guys could work somthing out. you both have to give a little! because the whole situation does seem odd in different rooms

Dotty10

replied on April 5th, 2009

New User

snoring

My husband and I have just started to sleep in separate rooms cos his snoring is driving me mad. Its so load he can keep me awake even when he is in the other room. Its having a real affect on our relationship. I feel very alone and he doesnt seem to see that the problem could cause us to split up. I made an appointment for him to go to the doctors, he said he couldnt take time off work. Its really getting me down

samrella

replied on April 5th, 2009

New User

Sep. Bedrooms

Dear Dotty,
You and I are going through the same thing. My husband moved into the spare bedroom because of my restless leg syndrome and also my snoring. We haven't had sex in awhile because I'm sick of being the aggressor. He never attempts forplay or sex. We are very distant because of the seperation of bedrooms. I'm so lonely too!

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