I'm 29 and been taking lithium, tegretol, wellbutrin, and Valium for bipolar disorder. My girlfriend of 2.5 years recently left me when I made a cross-country move and she decided not to come. She came to visit a few times and I went back to her once, but she has made up her mind that she just wants to be alone right now. This is especially painful because I desperately want to marry her.
During the first year of our relationship I was out of control often. I guess I'm somewhat of a rapid cycled and she would tell me I was ramping up to a manic state and I wouldn't listen. She broke up with me three times and each time o went out and slept with another girl in a crazed manic state (hypersexuality is probably my biggest symptom when manic). Each time she took me back but hated herself for it. I then got on lithium and we moved in together and enjoyed many months together, but her lack of self respect for taking me back set in and when she saw that I wanted to move she took the opportunity to stay put and leave the relationship.
The past 3 months since I've left have been very turbulent. She came and visited once and I visited her once but she insists that she wants to be alone. This hurts because we frequently have had phone sex (including her sending 'naughty' picture texts) and we tell each other that we love each other almost daily. It's strung me along somewhat and I've been obsessing over her. I mean obsessing- I worship this girl physically and on every level imagineable. She's undderstanding and accepting and my best friend, yet she keeps asking for time away from each other and no contact yet we've had maybe 5 days in 3 months without contact- yet her mind is always made up.
I've been horrible anxious to the point that I can't sleep, and recently missed 2 or 3 doses of my lithium in a couple days. I recently went completely bonkers manic and tried to buy her tickets to Hawaii out of nowhere, and when she turned it down I became verbally abusive, loving, and apathetic constantly for 3 days. She told me this morning that she felt that she was talking to different people (we generally only talk via text) as she read back through everything. I read it all too and can't believe everything I said, including that I hope she got raped, threatening to jump off a highwayoverpass (that I was leaning over) and various other messages that I'm completely ashamed of.
This morning she told me that she knew it wasn't really me she was talking to, to be safe and get back on track with meds, and to call her in a few days when I felt better. We told each other that we loved one another.
She's so amazing to put up with this garbage, but now I'm worried every minute of the day that she's confirmed in her decision to stay away even more. I'm desperately trying to get her back but I just can't keep my cool and stop forcing the relationship topic on her. And my anxiety is through the roof and I still can't sleep at night (only during day when I have things to do).
I recently saw a new dr. In my new city and she wants to take me off the tegretol and onto Lamictal. I'm happy for that because tegretol has been giving me horrible vocabulary and memory recall. And also switching from Valium to klonopin.
Thanks- I just had to vent a bit. Anyone have advice?
it is so refreshing to hear of a BP person actually WANTING to stay in a relationship, not disappearing, giving the silent treatment or breaking up for no reason. I think you should see your doctor again and also move near the girl you love, I hope that your relationship works well. All the best.
I've read a lot of people's accounts here and they all want to get OUT of their relationships which blows my mind. I mean when you find someone accepting and wanting to work with you, why try and mess that up? Anyway I've been so stable until this past week for over a year now.
I wish I could move to her but it isn't that simple. I HATE Atlanta, where she lives. That city is a complete hellhole. And I was accepted to a well known artist residency which is what I need to get into grad school right now. It just sucks because her company has an office less than a mile from my new apt...