Medical Questions > Relationships > Single and Struggling Forum

Single and struggling at 36! (Page 1)

First of all - what a fantastic name for a forum! OK so I'll dive straight in (you might want a cup of tea, or a stiff drink since it's Friday!)

I'm 36, have never been married and have no children. My last serious (i.e. where I met his parents...) relationship ended 11 years ago. Since then I have had one-night stands, 'booty call' relationships, men who say they love me and actually don't, men who say they don't love me and actually do, men who start off at full pelt and then go cold.

These latter dalliances have lasted anything from one night to seven years.

About 5 years ago, after the last one broke my heart, I decided to stay single and focus on myself, saving up for a house, seeing my friends and generally doing the kinds of things I had neglected whilst in these various relationships. Last year, I decided that I had had enough of being single and put myself back on the market so to speak. What followed was a year of complete and utter dating disasters; from someone I used to work with who stood me up constantly to a guy I met on a dating site who started off so, so enthusiastic and then went completely cold on me after 2 weeks.

My friends, bless them, are at a loss as to what to suggest for me. One or two have them have come out and said that I have Really Bad Luck with guys. And, without wanting to sound arrogant, I am getting to the point where I cannot honestly believe that in 11 years (oh alright 7 if you want to do the maths!) I have not found a single man who wants to commit to me past an initial meeting or a few s**gs.

I have a good job, loads of interests, am slim and okay looking - if I say so myself *twiddles cigar* - and don't have many wrinkles for my age. I like to laugh, but can be serious too. I am responsible but frivolous, a lover and a friend. I'm not clingy and neither do I play games. I'm honest and approachable (sounds like a personals ad already eh!)

Time is marching on for me; I have done the single thing and now I would love to have a family and children and someone to share my life with. I just don't know what to do.
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First Helper zielexie
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replied August 14th, 2010
Community Volunteer
Hi veebs,

When all else fail, pull out the old High School book, dust it off and see who else is ready for a serious committment.

Good Luck,

Faded Rose
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replied September 10th, 2010
OMG! I could have written this post myself. I'm 35 and single for nearly 10 years, with exactly the same story when it comes to men.

How have I dealt with it? Well I'm still single so clearly I don't have the answer either. But at least I can assure you that you're not alone.

All i can say is that it is better to be alone than in a bad relationship. When i really look hard at my friends relationships while I do envy the companionship I also know that quite a lot of them are lonelier now than when they were single.

So here's my suggestion. You know the old "bucket list" - things you have to do before you die? Well, I think you/we should write our own bucket list of things we have to do before we find a partner. I mean crazy stuff, wildest dreams, not self help stuff to "fix" our problem Smile

Because even though it may not seem like it now, there will be a time when a partner, family and mortgage will stop you from doing a lot of crazy stuff, like learning to ride a motorbike, jumping out of a plane, climbing Everest. Better to get it out of the way now.

Just think of how much fun you'll have and how many stories you'll have to tell your kids... eventually... Smile

And you just never know. Maybe your perfect man is waiting at the top pf that mountain... it is possible!

Just don't give up. Ever.
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replied September 10th, 2010
Experienced User
OK....please do yourself a favor and look in the mirror (keep in mind I am not saying anything is wrong with anyone). Are you looking for the "perfect person"? Do you nitpick at every little thing (he chews wrong, he doesn't hold his fork with all four fingers, etc.). Do you show little to no interest in the other person? Are you pushing people away due to fear of rejection or being hurt? These are reasonable questions to start to ask yourself. There are many more......I cant believe no one out there is looking for a relationship of some-sort. Do a self evaluation and know what you want from a relationship then seek it out. That's the best advise I can offer.....
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replied December 6th, 2010
Hi Chris,

Thanks for your reply, and no - I most certainly don't nitpick; I don't even get that far with most guys! Not being the perfect human myself, I'm not looking for perfection. Who is?! Just someone whose actions match their words. Not too much to ask!

Neine, thank you also for your response. I am already on to that bucket list - in fact I'm not long back from a 'holiday of a lifetime' where I met some super people (including a guy who was extremely keen to stay in touch with me, and since then - nothing! You couldn't make it up!)

The holiday did give me some perspective, in that I have tried everything I can to meet men (meeting them at work, through friends, through hobbies and travel and dating sites as well as reconnecting with former loves - I don't recommend this one!!), and - for whatever reason - it's just not working. I guess I will never know why, but I'm done with worrying about it. It was taking over my life. I'm very lucky to have my health, a roof over my head and lovely friends. Hard as it is to keep telling myself, and sad as it is that I cannot find someone to share my life with and to share theirs and devastating as it is to realise that I will likely never have kids, the world will not end because of these things - I just have to remember that.

I hope things work out for you.

Cheers.
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replied August 6th, 2011
Hi I've been reading these posts with interest as I find myself in the same position as most of you describe. I'm 40, single and don't have kids. I have suffered a lot of the "slings and arrows of outrageous fortune" in my lifetime, abuse(physical & sexual), family tragedy, bullying(both in school & the workplace)and last but not least alcoholism.None of the above do much for a fellas self esteem or sense of self worth despite all the councelling. I am 4yrs in recovery. I now find myself in a very lonely place in my life, where I live you are looked upon as some sort of alien if you dont drink or go to the pub and quite frankly people would react in a less negative manner if you told them you were HIV positive than when you tell them you are a recovering alkie, this I know from first hand experience. I have tried internet dating and being honest I "come clean" about my addiction as soon as I possibly can and thats the end of that conversation...the end of all further conversation in fact. I despair of ever meeting anyone, I feel isolated and in some ways I am starting to become bitter. I'll probably end up as one of those old men whose name kids whisper in fear
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replied February 12th, 2011
Hi Veebs & hello Neine.....
I'm another who this could have been written for too lol.
I think Bridget Jones was written about me - I'm now 38 divorced since 30 but blessed with a beautiful daughter who's now 11. Like the 2 of you I am also attractive, intelligent, hold down a good job and on the face of things have all the positives you would think a decent guy would appreciate. But similar to you Veebs have only met guys that just waste time and prob have even more "issues for tissues" than I do!!
Most of the time i can laugh it off.... but it is a very lonely place and I understand completely about that clock ticking away biologically, that feeling of competition getting harder by the year and that overwhelming sense of longing to love and being loved that seems like an almost impossible mission.
I love the idea of the Bucket List and if you are single with no children to hold you back then I would so go for it - what have you got to lose!!!!?????
KEEP SMILING LADIES! xx
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replied February 12th, 2011
Hi Veebs & hello Neine.....
I'm another who this could have been written for too lol.
I think Bridget Jones was written about me - I'm now 38 divorced since 30 but blessed with a beautiful daughter who's now 11. Like the 2 of you I am also attractive, intelligent, hold down a good job and on the face of things have all the positives you would think a decent guy would appreciate. But similar to you Veebs have only met guys that just waste time and prob have even more "issues for tissues" than I do!!
Most of the time i can laugh it off.... but it is a very lonely place and I understand completely about that clock ticking away biologically, that feeling of competition getting harder by the year and that overwhelming sense of longing to love and being loved that seems like an almost impossible mission.
I love the idea of the Bucket List and if you are single with no children to hold you back then I would so go for it - what have you got to lose!!!!?????
KEEP SMILING LADIES! xx
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replied June 20th, 2011
Experienced User
Sheeraa
I wish I had read your posts months back. Long story short. Met a guy who was wishy washy. After leaving him alone, he'd come back. I said ok.In the meantime we had talk about marriage and having a child together, the future,etc--just talking. 2nd time around he was distant and I saw the relationship going nowhere. He'd still call but he works alot, I made up my mind and left him alone. But found out Iam pregnant. Well I've never felt lonilness until now. He is rude, disrespectful, and says he does not want a child nor me. Just a day before that says that yes he did not mind getting me pregnant. I asked him, "Yeah but yu didnt mind me being a single parent either?" His response, " I will tell you about that later". Well ladies he does not want to talk--evades siting down with me to talk about this. Wish I could run like hell..but Im carrying his child. Im 39 at 9wks..hmm
He 40--still playing games--unbelieveable!!!! Keep me in your prayers. I know God will work it out somehow.
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replied July 11th, 2011
I'm in the same boat with all you guys. I'm about to be 31, no kids, and have never been in a serious relationship. I just joined this site because thoughts of my insignificance are taking over my life and I need to do something about it but I don't know what. Reading these posts has helped me somewhat to see I'm not alone in this.

Tweetyluv, your situation is a really tough situation but as I said in regards to my situation, it helps knowing that there are others who are going through the same thing. You're not alone.
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replied August 5th, 2011
Well I'm 42 and my last relationship was when I was 36, like all of you here i have the same simalarities as you.I have joined local fitness centres, voluntary work and even took up a plumbing course for two years and nothing. Time is definatly running out for me and perhaps i need to come to terms that I will be a lonely old spinster living a recluses life! Oops sorry shouldn't be so negative! Good luck to you all.
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replied October 9th, 2011
I'm in the same club as all of you. I was married briefly in my late twenties and he turned out to be such an awful bully that it didn't last very long. I have since then gone on a few dates but, its been several years and I haven't met anyone that I wanted to have a long term relationship with. It scares me because I don't want to live my entire life alone, but, at the same I have also realized it is better to be alone than alone with someone. Some days I feel so lonely it physically hurts. On these lonely days I think I would pay someone to sit on my coach and drink beer just to fill that void. But, then I remind myself of all of the things I have accomplished since my divorce. And, then I just somehow pick myself up and jokingly tell myself that I will meet the love of my life when I retire to the senior's home.
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replied February 20th, 2012
Ok, I've been reading these posts and I too am in the same situation: 36, single, never married and no children. I have had two loves in my life. Both tragically ended short, a result that was manifested by my fear of loosing them. In addition to being single i am also chronically unemployed and have spent so much time of my life wrestling with the demons of being teased and dealing with situations that happened from childhood. I need change in my life. Im a great person and have so much love to give to someone. I dont have a direct solution but ill try to explain how im going to go about changing this.

First: some equation
Change = work = force * distance
Force = mass * acceleration
acceleration = the change in velocity

If there is no change in velocity, meaning our decisions and life patterns are made automatically and not consciously then there is no change because your force is equal to zero.

Live in the now, not the past. If you live in the past then change will never happen because your force will always be zero. The distance part of the change/work equation is time. Time is important but its not a variable that you can change. However, as time goes by and conscious decisions are made then work gets done and change happens.

When this "change" happens there is NO need to digress and talk about what life was before the change, such as telling a possible partner that i was once an alcoholic even though ive been sober for the last 5 years. Your not that person anymore why do you need to talk about it. A negative about your past should never be brought up its a recipe for failure every time and if you think about it, in your mind your still living in that time, the past. Its so important for a person to see themselves for who they are now, not who they were, because the projection of you onto me is that person from the past. Situations like that happen to me all the time. To know who you are is to be confident and when your confident there's no need for explanation as to how you arrived at your current state.
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replied May 6th, 2012
So glad to know I'm not alone!
Love to you all as I am 36, single and wondering if I'm going to end up like that card game....old maid. Sigh. My last 'relationship' last year of 5 months was so frustrating as we just didn't connect. I've gone a few dates, had a 3 week crazy time with a guy who has ADHD and just am SO tired of meeting guys who aren't the right one. Where is he??? I sometimes think he's hiding on purpose but I've read so many times that you can't go looking for it because then you just look desperate, which I'm not. Just know that my body is getting older and I want to have children with a partner I adore and who adores me. Just seems that in this day and age, with all the online dating sites, meet-ups, etc., it's still hard to run into one of those right ones.
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replied May 7th, 2012
Hi wingingit36,

I don't believe in "waiting" for your soulmate to find you. Why should one person need to do all the work when you can meet them half way? I suggest immersing yourself in social activities when you can. Have you already tried meetup.com? That's a great way to meet new people with a specific interest in mind that might be more suited to your personality and likes/dislikes.
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replied May 12th, 2012
Stray true to yourself
Hai there,
This is a great site and I finally can see I am not the only one. I am 36 and single (since 12 years), and especially fed up with people around me who don't understand this. And worse, I feel like they think something is wrong with me! Even new men I meet seem to think this, which makes it even harder. They don't say it, but I can hear. Looking for mister perfect? Fear of commitment? Nothing like it, at all! I have a very good job, am good looking, fun and caring. A lot of men (including friends) like me a lot, and there was never a holiday I did not have a fling. BUT, nothing lasts. And I don't know why. I have been digging into myself, had sessions with psychologists, started a bucket list, all that. I am fine! It's really hard though to create a usefull life on your own, but this bucketlist keeps me alive and going on. The problem with this list though is that my friends don't have such a list. They are having babies and due to my list, I drift away from them more and more because we start to have different lives. And that is hard too. I hate going to birthdayparties, babyshowers and bachelorparties because then I am always confronted with me being different. Why should there be a reason that one is single anyway? There is no. Don't tell me (or other single woman) to work on yourself first, to be able to meet the other. I don't believe in that anymore. Besides, it's always told by people who are together anyway. What do they know about it? The older you get, the more difficult it is to find someone. The harder you have to stand up for yourself. I have stopped dating and only go for my own bucketlist now, including having a child by myself. I will remain different. It's strange though. We have accepted gay marriages, divorce and combination families, but being a single lovely woman in her thirties, is not done. I know, it's horrible. But I want to say to all those single woman: tell everybody around you that you are very proud of yourself and will only commit to a man worthy of you. That is not looking for perfection, it's staying close to who you are and that is the most difficult thing one has to do these days. I am fighting it every day. But you know what, I have just been accepted at dramaschool, and I will now fullfill another lifelong dream. Good luck to all single woman in their thirties, I am with you!
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replied May 12th, 2012
Stray true to yourself
Hai there,
This is a great site and I finally can see I am not the only one. I am 36 and single (since 12 years), and especially fed up with people around me who don't understand this. And worse, I feel like they think something is wrong with me! Even new men I meet seem to think this, which makes it even harder. They don't say it, but I can hear. Looking for mister perfect? Fear of commitment? Nothing like it, at all! I have a very good job, am good looking, fun and caring. A lot of men (including friends) like me a lot, and there was never a holiday I did not have a fling. BUT, nothing lasts. And I don't know why. I have been digging into myself, had sessions with psychologists, started a bucket list, all that. I am fine! It's really hard though to create a usefull life on your own, but this bucketlist keeps me alive and going on. The problem with this list though is that my friends don't have such a list. They are having babies and due to my list, I drift away from them more and more because we start to have different lives. And that is hard too. I hate going to birthdayparties, babyshowers and bachelorparties because then I am always confronted with me being different. Why should there be a reason that one is single anyway? There is no. Don't tell me (or other single woman) to work on yourself first, to be able to meet the other. I don't believe in that anymore. Besides, it's always told by people who are together anyway. What do they know about it? The older you get, the more difficult it is to find someone. The harder you have to stand up for yourself. I have stopped dating and only go for my own bucketlist now, including having a child by myself. I will remain different. It's strange though. We have accepted gay marriages, divorce and combination families, but being a single lovely woman in her thirties, is not done. I know, it's horrible. But I want to say to all those single woman: tell everybody around you that you are very proud of yourself and will only commit to a man worthy of you. That is not looking for perfection, it's staying close to who you are and that is the most difficult thing one has to do these days. I am fighting it every day. But you know what, I have just been accepted at dramaschool, and I will now fullfill another lifelong dream. Good luck to all single woman in their thirties, I am with you!
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replied May 17th, 2012
The guy with the same problem
Boy, a lot of these stories are so funny and so familiar. I'm a man at 36 and have the same story as the woman her on this forum. Booty calls or friends with benefits that don't mean a hill of beans. While honestly. I don't need 6 chicks in my life helping me relive stress, but one good one I can call my wife and give me children. Is that too much to ask for? So to all you women out there with the same dream, you are not alone. Good luck and I hope your find what youre looking for.
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replied May 23rd, 2012
Hi tjwonder,

You sound cute!! I'm in same situation....... 36 Professional/Unmarried/No children. All friends married with children, no one to go out with!! Am informed i am extremely attractive but have not met my Mr.Right. Don't think there is such a thing now. Have had a few serious relationships but all three, although attractive/professional guys, had serious issues which existed before i met them, they lied to keep me and it backfired - long story. I've just been pretty unlucky, i guess. Might i add, being Irish Catholic girl of 36 - Dublin/ireland is still very family orientated which is nice but am so sick of the "feel sorry for you" looks from those who know i'm single or even worse still the " when's the big day" from those who clearly know iv'e just come out of a relationship but take pleasure in reminding me that i'm now even further away from marriage and babies......... Feel so blue. I also feel so down, i'm supposed to be extremelyt attractive yet everyday i see women (not to sound judgemental) but are not particularly great looking and they have a pretty attractive guy on their arm. I can't help wondering why i'm not allowed a little happines. I feel so down right now, i would have loved children/ a loving husband Sad
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replied May 23rd, 2012
Hi tjwonder,

You sound cute!! I'm in same situation....... 36 Professional/Unmarried/No children. All friends married with children, no one to go out with!! Am informed i am extremely attractive but have not met my Mr.Right. Don't think there is such a thing now. Have had a few serious relationships but all three, although attractive/professional guys, had serious issues which existed before i met them, they lied to keep me and it backfired - long story. I've just been pretty unlucky, i guess. Might i add, being Irish Catholic girl of 36 - Dublin/ireland is still very family orientated which is nice but am so sick of the "feel sorry for you" looks from those who know i'm single or even worse still the " when's the big day" from those who clearly know iv'e just come out of a relationship but take pleasure in reminding me that i'm now even further away from marriage and babies......... Feel so blue. I also feel so down, i'm supposed to be extremelyt attractive yet everyday i see women (not to sound judgemental) but are not particularly great looking and they have a pretty attractive guy on their arm. I can't help wondering why i'm not allowed a little happines. I feel so down right now, i would have loved children/ a loving husband Sad
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replied October 10th, 2012
I am 36 years old and single and never been kissed or had a boyfriend. I wonder if i will be single for ever.
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replied March 22nd, 2013
I'm glad I found this forum. I'm 36 (37 soon) and have been single for about a decade. My longest relationship's been two years (at a push). I am lucky because I have a lovely daughter who's 12. It's been the same story for me with men...I've frequently gone for the unavailables, when the availables managed to get me, I played games with them and they left when they worked out I wasn't for real. I've been engaged three times, never married. I don't think I'll ever get married, it's not for me, but I would like to have a go at a good relationship. There have been dates and things here and there, but nothing ever pans out, for the same reasons as before, probably.
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