Dating Forum - significant other's past relationships

Relationships > Dating Forum > significant other's past relationships

Q: significant other's past relationships

asked by: freakyfashionista on July 16th, 2008

New User

I have met an incredible man who I started to fall in love with, but then I discovered something about his past that really bothered me. When he was younger he slept with a LOT of women--about 200 to be exact! This has been really bothering me. I haven't been with a lot of men, was very shy and insecure as a teenager, and had just a couple of serious relationships in my life. It makes me upset, sad, and desperate to think of this guy's past life. He says that he knows how to "turn it off" and not do that anymore, but it is a HUGE stumbling block for me, and I don't know if I can have a serious relationship with someone if something bothers me that much (we are thinking about living together). I feel like he was using women for sex as if they were disposable, though he says he just "loved women," but the thing that most bothers me is the mis-proportion between my experience and his. When I think about the way he used to live, I want to cry. Pathetic but true. At the same time, I only care so much because I love him and want to be his one and only. Is this relationship doomed? Is this a problem I can forget about eventually, or will it keep coming into my head and making me upset?

Replies(7)

Beline

replied on July 17th, 2008

Supporter

I’ve just discussed your post with my fiancé and he almost hit the roof. I am lucky enough to have one of those one in a million men, but I’ve had my own experience with an ‘experienced’ ex-husband.
Sweetie, men like this don’t change. He didn’t just ‘love woman’ – he loved having sex with them. There is a huge difference. If he loved woman he would have shown some sort of respect for them, but they were just objects to satisfy his lust. Your gut feel that this is not a healthy situation is right on target.
I can understand that you feel that this is a HUGE stumbling block because the two of you have different outlooks on sex. To you it is something special that should be treated with respect and be shared exclusively with somebody special. To him it’s a primitive need that needs to be satisfied by whoever is available.

My fiancé told me to tell you that you need to run (not walk) away as fast as your legs can carry you. Men discuss their sexual activities with each other and he says that these men NEVER changes. He won’t ‘turn it off’. It’s just part of his charismatic personality to mess with your head with ‘word-play’. He is NOT an incredible man.
Good luck to you.

Sydney123456

replied on July 17th, 2008

Experienced User

I gotta say...this may be something that sticks in your mind always. Honestly, if you can't get past that, it'll always come up. Your feelings will start manifesting in your actions, and that's never pretty.

Does he know this is such a problem?

I dunno...personally, that many sexual partners is a serious turn-off for me. I would discuss this with him, and if he's not open to helping you get through this and making efforts to change (like it ever happens, right?)....go away from him.

I can't tell you what to do with the relationship, but I would take things slow with him if this is such an issue for you.

worrywart01

replied on July 17th, 2008

Extremely eHealthy

i agree with everyone else..if this is something that bothers you, it always will...personally thats the ONE thing that kills it for me if I'm pursuing a guy...a guy that I lusted after in college pursued me(more than likely bc I was still a virgin and he wanted it from me) all the time...i was really really into it(I HAVE NO IDEA WHY now lol) but I knew of...ooo 3 or 4 girls he'd slept with IN MY DORM....and i was NOT about to be another on his list...quite frankly..when a guy is THAT active..and has alot of partners it grosses me out...it really does..its a complete turn off..so I know thats something I personally would not be able to get over....my boyfriend now is the only guy i've been with and he's only had one partner(his ex gf) before me..i made sure we discussed that before getting physical...if you feel like its something you can put past you then good luck with the relationship and i wish you the best..i just know that for me...i'd find it really hard to believe that a man thats been with that many women is trustworthy

californchick

replied on July 31st, 2008

Experienced User

Run like hell

200 Women that is alot how old is he? I think I have to agree because you will always being about all the other women he has been with. Run the other way. I dated this guy who had sex with 175 women and believe me they wont change he cheated on me with 25 women and IM glad I never had sex with him never did anything with him I used the excuse im waiting tell Im married because I found out a few days before that he had herpes and other stds and found out he was cheating and kicked his ass to the curb

jay1

replied on March 15th, 2009

New User

Wait

Wait it out. When a man is in love he can change, I know I have. His past is just that, you are his future. Give him a chance and wait this feeling out. I have had similar feelings all you can do is think about how much you love him, and if that love is great enough to get past this. Also tell him how you feel, you cant do this alone, it is partly his job to make you feel secure enough with him that you wont feel this way any more. Ask your self if you could see the two of you married some day?

Jazzy77

replied on March 15th, 2009

Experienced User

I have limited experience on this...I will say that my dad pretty much "got around" when he was younger. He was pretty crazy. What I can tell you is that when he got with my Mom he was incredibly devoted to her and he said that the relationship they had was plenty enough for him to give up the other women.

My Mom died when I was an adolescent. My dad remarried afterward to a woman I wouldn't have chosen for him, but I have no indication that he isn't totally true to her.

I don't think that having a lot of sexual experience is a straight line to not being able to give it up (given the relationship).

It does concern me that freakyfashionista is so consumed by this. If it's a problem to you...really, then he's not the right guy. But you can't fault him for being honest about it.

Personally, it might raise my eyebrow, but I don't think I would see it as a show-stopper, unless I saw some behavior that would suggest that he hadn't given it all up to be with me.

Just my 2 cents worth.
Jasmine

ServiceU

replied on May 22nd, 2009

Supporter

i agree with everyone, but i agree more with jazzy77
i was friends with a lot of guys and the one's that "been there done that" is in a settling mode and is comfortable with being with one women.
i never heard of any man being with that many women before. did he exaggerate the number.
i would make sure he get tested for all std's. i think you should be more concerned about that.
ive done silly things in my past and i wouldnt want any one judging me on that when i am a different person. so my question to you is do you know him enough? is he a different person?
if you dont feel comfortable dont do it!

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