First off i would like to apologize if i post this in the wrong section. Also sorry for such a long post, but i need to be very descriptive.

Around the summer of 2006, i developed strong anxiety/depression and emotion weakness. I became a nervous wreck, i was always worrying about everything, am i sick? i got a fever, is this the end of my life? my stomach hurts, do i have cancer?

I seriously considered that i most likely have every disease from a brain tumor to things such as west nile (neighbor died from west nile so i thought i would to). I went to the many doctors many times, all test came back "okay".

The only sort of comfort i had to keep me up was the fact being that i knew i wasn't for sure sick at all and nothing physical or visible was there. So i held on with this for another 4 months. Around Christmas 2006 i woke up in the middle of the night and it felt as if i had no legs, like they weren't there. I could not feel them. I immediately freaked out and lied back down almost in tears. Managed to fall asleep. When i woke up i actually forgot about it ( im about 99% sure i wasn't dreaming ) But i had a new page added to this nonstop book of disasters. I felt a slight pressure on the right side of my head, and later realized it was on the whole right side of my body. This strongly led me to believe a possible tumor or stroke. Also this pressure was more of a feeling like i was wearing half a hat.. hope that made since. The whole day i hibernated in my room worrying, sometimes in tears others in anger. The next day it had all switched to my left side. Thats when i said, i am going to a doctor and going make the foreign words in this book of mine readable.

Within the next 2 weeks i went to the doctor, and explained everything. Immediatly i was being asked if i am depressed or battling anxiety. I wanted to scream out "YES? I AM! YEA I AM" but i thought that if i did this the doctors would just prescribe me some Prozac and tell me i will be fine. I did not want that because i really believed i was sick with something other than depression. Anyways i explained it again and told the doctor how i felt, i was prescribed antidepressants anyways. Lexapro. I picked up my prescription went home and took the dose. Did this for about a week. Now i wont say that Lexapro did nothing for me, cause its not true... It works very well at making sleeping close to impossible. I was back at the doctors 2 weeks later for a follow up and explained how the antidepressants did nothing and how i am very worried about my symptoms. I was scheduled a MRI of the brain, chest x-ray, blood test, urine test and eye examination. (also during that follow up he was examining my eyes and i heard him mumble "double-vision? never mind...") He said my pupils looked almost dilated.

After all the test were completed, i waited for the results. While waiting i went on the net and search up my symptoms hoping to put them together and figure out some possibilities. Now anyone who knows about the brain and tumors, knows that the symptoms i mentioned if put together will almost always bring up brain tumor or cancer. So this made me feel rotten so bad i wouldn't leave my bed. At the end of the weak i get my results, i was almost to scared to find out. It turns out i don't have a brain tumor, didn't have a stroke, or even have a panic attack. I was what they called "healthy". Instantly i felt a huge relief as if a special someone just shined they're light on me and i was reborn.

So for the next few months i felt fine, sometimes feeling a small case of past symptoms but i bothered me none the less because i had a secure knowledge that i was healthy. Around May 2007 i was lying in bed and i could feel my heart beat, pounding through my chest. One big pulse throughout my whole body. I noticed that my laptop was moving in the same rhythm, i didn't know what to think. My heartbeat was shaking my whole body. Ever since that day to the present i experience this every second of my life. I pretty much learned to live with it and expect it, i think i forgot what its like to not have this.

For the next few months i started to develop some shaking. For instance if i would life my hand, bend at the wrist my whole hand would shake. (just like the shaking you get when your excited, not a shaking like parkisons, not that i know what i would feel like anyways) Ever since that day to the present i have this shaking and i think i forgot what its like no to have this.

(i would like to clerify that the shaking is not constant, its only when i seem to apply muscle tension or just plan ol' excited)

It is not Christmas 2007 and I'm still hanging in there and making it through life, with the thought of my problems on my mind constantly. I get another page, brain fog. I would get this probably twice a week at best. It felt like i couldn't keep my eyes in one place, and i couldn't think as clearly and as fast. I started to predict the next chapter in my book, that it was a nice and fancy depression/anxiety disorder.

It is now January 2008, and i wake up to a new chapter in my book. Physical symptoms i can for sure say where there and not in my mind. I felt a small lump, about the size of a pea, just above my adams apple and slightly to the left. I have already made this story to long and i will just let you the reader guess where i took my mind with this. Instantly i was back to the me in 2006. I was in bed and just waiting for time to pass. Also at this time i did not have medical insurance. So a doctors visit with no insurance or income was not possible. I pulled myself together and began to have more of a social life and get out and do things.

Its now March 2008, and i was beginning to come along, but with my little lump friend still here, same size, spot.. movable and rubbery just like the day i found it. But i began to get heart burn frequently, along with acid indigestion. I never got officially diagnosed but i say i had and still do have GERD (acid reflux). So i thought the lump was probably a swollen lymph node. After taking tagament and maylanta daily for about 2 weeks the GERD was gone but the lump wasnt. I then found another lump on the right side of my neck to the bottom and back more.. It was painless, movable and rubbery feeling (medium-soft). Then searching around some more i found 2 lumps on the left side behind my collar bone and a bit more towards my shoulder but still a part of the neck. Also painless, movable and rubbery.

Its now August 23, 2008 and i am up at 4am in another sleepless night posting this message. My question is; How can i close this book of mine?

(what should i do, and how do i do this with no insurance or income)
(is this cancer? will i die?)

I don't know what to do anymore, i pray everynight that someday i can return to a normal life and enjoy it!

I am 20 years old and in 2006 of my discoveries i just graduated highschool. I smoke a full pack a day and drink somewhat frequently.
I have not worked a day in my life, but i sleep very well in my bed. (Calling myself a bum)

Other info:
Diagnosed with Mitral valve prolapse in 2003
No family history of any cancer but lung cancer from smoking