Ok, so I'm having a hard time giving my
cousin advice on her situation. Her and
her hubby have been married for 17 years,
I think. Anyway they live close to his
family but very far away from her family.
They have been in a trailer on their land
for 6 years atleast and it is very cramped
with them and the 3 kids. It only has 2
bedrooms and her oldest son is in 8th
grade now and he doesn't even have a
bedroom. He sleeps on the couch. Her
husband said he'd get started building the
house this summer, it never happened with
the way the economy is. There's always an
excuse from him, he's self employed and he
says he has either too much work so no
time or too little work and no money. He
wants to build a house without going full
on into alot of debt so, wont get a bank
loan. He's not real motivated to build
with this economy now though. They have
lived in this cramped single trailer for
atleast 7 years. She works at a job she
loves but it's at a private school so, she
has summers off. Not the best pay but,
good benefits for her and him since he has
none because he's self employed. She'd
have a hard time with money if she left
and would want to move closer to her
family thus she'd lose her job which does
have like a pension type retirement plan
she wouldn't want to loose. She's getting
close to 40, sick of her home life, and
doesn't know what to do. She always stayed
because she loved him but, now she's not
sure she does anymore. She says she just
realized that she doesn't feel like she
loves him anymore, never wants to have sex
with him and hasn't for a couple months,
not attracted to him in that way anymore.
She doesn't hate him but isn't sure she
loves him. She's also overweight and I
think she think's she can't find someone
new.
Anyone ever felt this way or wasn't
sure???
She loves him because of he's her kids
father but, not lust like love. I guess
they live like roommates. She feels
trapped because she knows money-wise her
kids would suffer without the support of
him being there and having a roof over
their head. He's also self employed so
child support, forget it he can say he
doesn't make enough money. She also feels
that if she left and hubby found someone
else that that woman would benefit because
maybe he'd actually build said house to
impress someone new. She wouldn't be able
to qualify to build with her income. She
has even told him just to buy a bigger
trailer with enough bedrooms, he won't, he
wants to build his house. He's unmotivated
to do so though. He could get a real job
he once made alot of money but, wanted to
try the self employed route because of
less stress and now he likes that he has
no boss so, he'll never go back I guess,
even if it means the'd actually have more
money. He has mentioned to her to get
another job though, why doesn't he? I do
not know how to help her or what to say. I
feel so bad but, since I'm not in her
shoes I don't know what to tell her. Has
anyone ever had this experience or know
what to say?
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mominashoe
Supporter
Joined: 04 Dec 2007 Posts: 1841 Location: , KS USA
Thanks: 46
Thanked:35
Posted: 08-22-08 07:31am
I think you just need to be very
supportive of her. Marriage is very very
hard, especially with children. Leaving
wouldn't be a good option. It's better to
be poor and make with the best you can
than to break up a family. She may not
feel like she loves him, but I think that
she does. Hard times are enough to make
anyone feel stoic and asexual.
The obvious depression she is experiencing
from lack of money and cramped quarters
contributes to lack of libido and weight
gain. The weight gain contributes to her
depression and lack of libido as well
because she feels poorly about her own
self-image. So there is a vicious circle
here that will never end and become worse
and worse, unless something is changed.
We have forums for depressed people, maybe
she would love to come here for some
consolation and advice?
The market is pretty good right now for
buyers (supposedly). Suppose you mention
to her that maybe she can suggest to her
husband to buy a house that is slightly
larger, maybe a little older or in a
cheaper area, so it will end up almost the
same value and so it's not really so
expensive, and he can still have his dream
to build in the meanwhile: the final goal
being to move into this house he imagines.