My husband is a sex addict.We have been through therapy and I have been trying very hard to work on my co-dependant tendancies.I noticed he has been stressed.I was on his ipad and noticed he was on a gay porn site. We have been through this before with affairs etc. I don't know weather to put an end to our married relationship or not.He is not being honest with me.
I am very sorry for the pain you are going through. I believe that the best thing to do is be there for him. With most addictions the individual has a better chance when they have people their for them. I am not sure in the case of sex addiction if it works better to cave and give him what he desires or hold off and make him wait to try and ween him off of it. From my point of view it is a harmless vice if you know how to control it. I am a sex addict (or I guess in better terms a foreplay addict) but I have my priorities straight, sure I may think about it constantly and desire it with a passion all of the time but I have goals I wish to meet that I will not take no for an answer. Maybe try getting him a hobby to keep him occupied more often.
Do not listen to the man who admits to being a sex addict and then says it's simply a "harmless vice." I once thought the same, I have never been a jealous or insecure woman with my men and thought that my husband's frequent use of porn was not a big deal. I am now 6 years into my relationship and realizing that it affects me much more than I ever thought it would. My confidence in myself, my outlook on life, and my own sexuality have all taken a nose dive.
If you decide to continue your relationship with this man, you need to know that this will be an issue he will struggle with for the rest of his life. Even in the best case scenario, where he takes full responsibility for his addiction, there will ALWAYS be the addiction there and it will ALWAYS affect you in some way or another.
As long as you are willing to have sex addiction be a part of your life. As long as you are both highly motivated to work hard, you can probably make it work.
I personally am three years into a marriage where we have both been working extremely hard. We love each other tremendously. I am starting to realize, however, that we will NEVER EVER have a normal sex life. NEVER. I am considering divorce simply because passionate sex is the one need that I can't meet myself or get met by another and it's something that's incredibly important to me.
I made vows to my husband, but my vows to myself are stronger than the ones to him. Please, please seek help, go to therapy, demand that he go to sex addict meetings and therapy and deal with this issue. If he won't, leave him. It is better to be alone, unmarried and childless for the rest of your life than in a relationship that erodes your self-worth. Being a shell of the woman you once were is a terrible place to be. I wish you much love, strength, and clarity.
I understand you may not agree with my point of view but I would like to state that I said "harmless vice if you know how to control it". Its the same as anything else in life. If you enjoy spending money then it can be a dangerous vice to deal with in the long run. If you have your priorities straight then it should not be a problem. In that scenario for instance, pay all your bills off and save a certain amount incase of emergencies and you can more or less do what you please afterwards. Once again if you know your priorities and have them straight then most things are harmless vices.
It is not a harmless vice. It is an addiction and sooner or later you need to choose between your addiction and your life, they cannot occupy the same body.
To the original question. I am so sorry that you had to go through the pain of discovering that on the iPad. How devastating to have hope shattered by that and the disappointment. Know, please know that you are not alone and that you can have hope. The choice to leave is yours and yours alone. Are you caring for you? Do you have support? I applaud you for asking and reaching out as many of us who are in these types of relationships want to isolate, think we can handle it ourselves and be ok. It is not ok. You did nothing to provoke the addiction your partner has know you have options to not live with it. Often if an addict thinks they can "get away" with their behavior it will be a temptation.
And it is NOT your job to police him. You need to seek after your recovery and he needs to do the same.
Bottom line, if it is not healthy for you to stay then being healthy is your goal. You are not alone. Keep reaching out and trusting that healing can happen.
If you have all that in order...then you are actually normal and not an addict. A true addict sees pornography or sex with multiples as a drug. They will jeopordize anything to get that fix. They don't have that rationale to pay your bills first...then whatever is left will be for sex entertainment. My husband said he would sell his own mother just for a fix. Afterward, the guilt and shame sets in---just to say they will never do it again...until the next time the urge is so great they do it again. My husband was so bad he would have to masterbate at work or he couldn't focus...even if it cost him his job! This type of addiction...their brain must be re-programmed...and that comes with Complete abstinance over a given time period...that is just the beginning...like the other post...there is ongoing therapy---individual and group...and of course the spouse of the addict needs their own therapy...it is mentally and physically exhausting...I cry all the time because I don't know what my future holds...and at times I just want to walk away from all the stress and drama of this illness...but if you find the true potential in your mate and they are serious about getting help...I can only hope that enough love for one another and spiritual strength will see you through...