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Should I leave my boyfriend/baby's father and how? (Page 1)

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Most people would say I have it made. I am a stay at home mother and have things pretty much made. My boyfriend is 14 years older then me. I gave him his only child who is now 3. We got pregnant 6 months into dating and we kind of just went from there. Today after 4 years I am severely depressed and not happy at all. He has started treating me very badly and degrading me even in front of our daughter. He makes all the decisions in our relationship and I have no say. I thought I wanted to marry him one day but now I can't even see why I'm still with him. In the past when I would bring up marriage or just a ring he would get defensive and start auguring with me over something completely off subject. I'm 25 I want another child and when I bring that up he tells me "well go have fun". I feel like I'm up against a wall and I can't get out. I don't want to take my daughter away from the only home she knows... but I can't see us spending or wasting anymore time here. Please help me. I know what I need to do; I just don't know how to go about it. Please consider my daughter who I have a feeling he is going to fight for if I try to leave him.
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First Helper KarmaAndChaos
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replied August 4th, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
A home where your mother is degraded, emotionally and verbally abused, is no home a child wants to be in. Do you want your daughter to grow up learning that this is how men are supposed to treat women? She will repeat this pattern when she grows up if you don't do something.

Unfortunately, it sounds like he went for someone so much younger so he could have someone to control. Do you have family or close friends you can stay with? Maybe you two can work things out in counseling, but until then, you need to get yourself and your daughter to a different environment. Nothing is going to get better while he has control over you. If you are afraid of him, then you really need to get out.

As for custody, he can't take your daughter away from you completely. Yes, he can have joint custody, but unless you are an unfit mother, the courts will not take her away. Just make sure to get yourself a good lawyer.

Please write back and tell us how you are doing. Good luck.
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replied August 6th, 2009
i agree
you dont want your daughter in front of all the yelling and carrying on. because thats how it was in my house . My mom then found out my poppy was cheatin on her and had had a bby on her. i qrew up not trusting men . ikno you love him but your child doesnt deserve to be in front of it all. he should at least have the most up respect for his daugter. if not, he doesnt have respect for you. you and your daughter deserves better mommy !
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replied August 21st, 2009
Get out of there fast! You do not want your child to grow up thinking it is right for her husband to put her down, and yell at her do you? You can find better for you and your child, and I believe if he really loved you he wouldn't say things like that.
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replied February 8th, 2010
i agree, i have been having similiar experiences since my daughter was born. I dont understand it, he was more respectful when i was pregnant. im supposed to go back to work in 5 more weeks, and i am nervous because he doesnt seem to care like i do about her. we have been together going on 4 yrs, and he said the rudest things to me even tonight. Said he never had any intention of being enagaged or having a kid, i just dont need it right now. Im trying to recover from giving birth! i find it ridiculous how selfish he has become. and I dont want my daughter to hear any of the crap he says to me. one day he is telling me he wants to buy me flowers, he respects me so much,... the next he is watchin porn on his iphone- loser that he is, and telling me he can do what he wants like im his mom and he is 12 yrs old! good luck to you- i sure need it!!
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replied September 14th, 2011
8 months pregnant
Im 8 months pregnant and my kinda ex/ boyfriend of whatever you call us is the same way. He does whatever he wants and still thinks he can treat me whatever way he wants. He kisses me and wants sex but also he broke up with me many times. He comes and goes as he pleases. We were engaged and he broke it off and he doesnt want to ever get married. I cant be with a man who doesnt want to marry me. He doesnt care about our son i think becuase he hardly ask how i am or how he is doing and growing. Everytime i talk about how our son will be here soon or about how i need to get ready for the hospital he just changes the subject like he doesnt care or want to hear. He looks at porn and smokes and lies about it when i can see the porn on his phone and computer and i find weed in his jacket. I try to get out of it but he always say he loves me and we are ment to be together and i cant leave him. ill be deliving while im in school and i need all the help i can get but i dont trust him to watch our son!!! what do i do?
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replied May 1st, 2010
Hi, I don''t know where you''re at at this point since it''s been so long but if you see this and you''re still with him and everything is going badly, my advice based on your post would be to maybe sit down and talk to him about it. First mentally prepare yourself so you are ready for any degrading remarks he might make. If you can, try and just not respond to the remarks when the time comes. Make sure you are there without your daughter and just lay it out for him that you know you just can''t do it anymore, that the both of you need to start figuring out your own separate paths and work to move towards them.

It doesn''t have to be a big bloody battle even if it is on his part. I can guarantee you he''s not gonna be too happy when he realizes the girl he''s been able to mindfuck is spreading her wings and getting prepared to fly the coop. But that''s not your problem. You deserve freedom. No one deserves to be controlled and treated like this.

As far as your daughter goes, you just got to take that one step at a time too. Mentally preparing yourself for your new life with your daughter without him around. And no matter what happens, don''t let him change your mind. If he starts getting to you, remind yourself of how unhealthy it was for both you AND your daughter to have him degrading you in front of her. To get her out without too many problems you may want to seek the advice of people in your life who you are close to and can trust (maybe mom? a sister? cousin? it doesn''t have to be someone that''s aware of everything going on, it certainly can be but you are the only one who knows who will be there for you during this time and will provide constructive help in -person-; where it''s really going to matter most at this point).

Many of the things I have pointed out here can apply to just about any relationship you might encounter in the future. I just really hope this is helpful. Best of luck to you and anyone else stuck in a relationship they don''t know how to get out of.
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Users who thank KarmaAndChaos for this post: kiminiguez 

replied September 16th, 2012
I know it has been a while since you posted but i want to thank you for your comment. I was having an issue of whether or not i should leave because of my daughter. He is emotionally abusive to me but a great father to my daughter so i did not want to hurt her. However, i am emotionally torn down and cannot live with him anymore. I am now going to leave the relationship and make it as civil as possible. Knowing that I do not have to be with him but we can hopefully still raise our daughter together. You are right that everyone deserves freedon and happiness. Also you made me recognize how unhelthy it is for my daughter to be witnessing both of our comments ( not nice) to eachother.
Thank you again,
Kim
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replied May 7th, 2010
Help?
Go to Relate... they are great... I wish my partner would of instead of running away with another guy after knowing him after 2 weeks!! Relate are helping me to understand what underminding and what controlling is.. which I can hand on heart so I did not mean any upset or to make her feel depressed.. I never had the chance to make it right but I gave her chances in the past when she asked me to which really hurts esp not even trying for our 2 year old daughter who is so lovely and happy... I think if you go there, give him the chance to change, it will be easier on you to make the right decision and also give him the chance and wake up call to do the right thing. I wish you all the best and hope what ever happens it is the right thing for ALL of you. I am dreading leaving and seeing my little one upset, but my partner feel no remorse or empathy toward my child or me which I am sure Relate would of helpted her understand myside and maybe forgive my ways of treating her (I never shouted / hit her though) and work forward as I was willing to do....
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replied May 20th, 2010
i think its better if you leave him, the reason being that a man who doesnt respect his partner, how will he love and respect his daughter and what moral values he will impart to her, you can take her away and talk to a lawyer about visitation rights too, it is important that you as a woman and an individual are respected and given good treatment and anyone who cannot do it, you should just leave him!!
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replied October 3rd, 2010
Update!
Everyone~ Thank you so much for all the post. It's been gosh over a year since I've posted this; and I am happy to say that I am the HAPPIEST I have ever been. I left my boyfriend, and me and my daughter have a wonderful little condo that we call ours! Not only am I doing great, my little girl is doing great too. Leaving was the hardest thing I've ever done, but the outcome is much greater then anything I could have ever expected! Thank you again!
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replied October 2nd, 2011
Hello
I would like it if you email me.. I really need emotional support through a very similar situation.
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replied October 8th, 2010
I'm so glad you found the strength to leave, not alot of woman can do that. Especially when the man is the sole provider. I'm currently in search of that strength and I know that I can't just up and leave because my son's father don't even live with me but I still just want to get up, grab my son, run away and never come back. I'm so sad that he doesn't want to be with me anymore and I know that I can find another man but there's no man like the one you love and getting over him can be so tragic. Especially when you don't have another man to help you get over him.
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replied October 8th, 2010
Experienced User
Getting into another relationship with a different man in order to get over another is completely irresponsible.
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replied December 9th, 2010
Hey everybody my name is Grace and I'm in the same situation. I am need of answers.
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replied December 9th, 2010
Advice
Hey everybody my name is Grace and I'm in the same situation. I am need of answers.
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replied February 17th, 2011
my partner won't get the hell out!
I am in a similar situation and looking for a help! My partner and I have 3 children and he is the provider for the family. He is extremly verbally abusive and it does get physical at times. We have been together for 6 years and it has only gotten worse. I recently lost my mother and things have gone to hell since then. He actually tells me he is doing me a favor by being with me. I have been a stay at home mom for the past 5 years and recently found the courage to get back in school and this drives him NUTS. he tells me I'm sleeping with my classmates and professor. He was just laid off from his job and collects unemployment and sits around the home (which everything is in my name because his credit is horrible) and does nothing all day, and gets mad at me when I come in tired from school or dealing with the kids which I do all alone and ask him for a little help he tells me "You had the kids, you deal with them" The police told me I can not just make him leave and the only person I can turn to for help is his mom who tells me to "hang in there" I am physically drained and don't want to put my children through this.. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!! I NEED HELP!!
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replied September 5th, 2011
Hey I just turned 19 in august & my daughter is goin on 1 next month & i just recently found out that i am pregnant again. Me & my child's father is going to be 27 in december. Me & him have been through alot in the past year & 7 months. He has cheated on me multiple times, He used to physically abuse me, he even hit me in front of my daughter one time. He verbally abuses me almost everyday, especially when i dont do what he wants. I think I have finally found the strength to leave him, but he is the first man I have ever truely loved. We always argue, he doesnt want to spend time with me or my daughter anymore. I moved back in with my parents temporarily because he would not let me go any where when I stayed with him. He only calls me when he wants something from me. I just dont want my daughter growing up thinkin this is right & I am tierd of being used, I just dont want to have to go through a custody case for my kids. Even though im pretty sure he will not win because he has a felony battery charge
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replied November 9th, 2011
He wont win. Ive been through it. LEAVE him immediatly! Do what is best for your children. If he hits you, he will eventually hit them. I know u may not think so, I sure as hell didnt. But he will. I told myself, he would never hit my son, he loves him so much. But then... He says he loves me so much. And guess what, he put his hands on him. That was just plain the last straw. Amd u know what, a year later I am engaged to a man whi tells me every morning how lucky he is to have me and my kids in his life. Ladies if we let these men get away with mindfucking us, and abusing us, they will continue to think they can just treat women this way. Lets show thrm that we RESPECT ourselves too much to let them control us. Do whats best foe everyone. Yes it hurts to lose aomeone u love. But whwn u find love in someone who respects and admires you, its amazing Smile
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replied November 23rd, 2011
Im in a simular situation...I have a bf of 3 years and we have a 5 month old and live in Bc...i have been verbaly abused by him for the whole time off and on and when he gets angry he calls me names, swears and so on...my family lives in Calgary and i am wondering if i take my son to calgary for a visit i might not come back...I dont want to live with him as he doesnt want to take marraige counceling and i cant do much else to try saving our relationship...ive talked to my friends and family about this and my bf has another 23 yr old son and goes on about saying he "should have eaten him when the bones were soft" I am just not happy with him anymore....words are damaging and it scars you forever i just wanna take care of my son.....can i leave him and never let him find me?
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replied January 5th, 2012
i have the same problems, my so called feoncee decided to again screw up our wedding plans, im rather ill at the moment and get verbally abused because i am so sick i cannot do much, he has been physical at times, we have bee together 4 years now, and when i met him h was different and happy and then a few months later he wasnt anymore, we have been through lots, we have had 2 kids, and lost 3 babies due to m/c, he lost his father to cancer when we were together 4 a month, things just nver seem to go right, my biggest deal breaker this time is im just sick of him calling me a C#@T, especially in front of my kids, i have my 7 yr old with me for the school holidays, i no longer have custody of him due to my partner making me give him away. i have tried to forgive, we tried counselling, we started using the tools and he actually started to change, but then all of a sudden he changed back....i want to leave but i have nothing and have no one...im in a dark place atm...
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replied January 18th, 2012
`I'm so sorry all of this is happening to you. It's hard after years of being verbally abused to find whatever strength that you have to get out and leave for good. Its hard enough when you are physically healthy and this happens.

The best thing to do is find a shelter. If that's too drastic for you then finding a support group first. A mixed issues group is very helpful. Where a group on women get together and just talk about their issues once a week without being interrupted by being given advice. It really does help to talk about the issues you are feeling and sometimes through that you see how you can get out and help you and your children. A support group is crucial for something like this. Women helping other women is wonderful. It strengthens you and encourages you.

I google searched some things for you.

http://helpforsinglemother.net/moms-leavin g-an-abusive-relationship/

On that page they even have a list of shelters to go to.


You are stronger than you realize.


"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.' We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." (A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of "A Course in Miracles", Harper Collins, 1992. From Chapter 7, Section 3])
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replied March 26th, 2012
HELP. My situation is different. Me and my partner have been together 15years with 2 kids. Out of the 15 years he has only worked maybe 6 months. I have been the sole provider all this time. I want to leave but why am I so afraid for HIM. Worried about where he is going to live? He is still my kids father. What to do?
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replied April 29th, 2012
Hi im kinda depressed with my situation i strugle with diciplening my daughter 2yrs but i guess its ovious to My "daughters father " so he steps in and yells at her so strong that it makes me want to cry with her he is like this to everyone he hardly talks or communicates to me and my daughter and forget about affection. I realy wish he wouls stop smoking or at least get a better job or shower more than once a week but if he would just be a little bit more compasionate and loving i could forget about the other things:/ im realy trying ve have been together four 4 years almost five but i havent found the support or guts to walk away and said thia is enough
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replied July 27th, 2012
Help
I'm in the same situation were not married and I want out i do not want to go to court but I want to leave the country where I have great family at. What do I do? I'm trying to save up as much cash as I can so me and my son can leave. I cannot take the abuse. He's thrown a vacum at me which caused my leg to bleed everywhere hes punched me in the ribs it's an on going battle and to top it off I live in his dads house.His own dad takes his side and says I will not leave with my son he'll be sure over his dead body he gets custody. I'm soo scared to leave I want out so bad I have no money right now because i'm in school with no job i hate the thought of leaving my 2 year old son with his dad.my son clings to me so much. He hates me being in schools aid i should focus on being a mother andnot school. He has no damn job we have to live off his dads income. I want out and I never want to see him again any advice help please..
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replied May 22nd, 2013
stuck
I'm in same situation. Just moved away from my family and want to leave wi th my son. We just cannot get along and he also convinced me that sending my 9 yr old to live with her dad I feel hopeless, scared and will have nothing when I leave.
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