Suicide. I created two long posts which describe this exact message. I figure since no one has ever responded to my other accounts (I had to keep creating a new one cuz I forgot the password months later of chronic checking and no responses) I might as well just be brief. Even though the details are more than necessary. Refer to other posts of mine if anyone is bored enough to be interested
Basically, Ive had a rough past. I grew up with abuse, some homelessness because of running away. I learned life skills late because of lack of guidance (ex: how to form proper sentences at age 8 and only because I had a flair for writing).
I am a very positive, rational, appreciative person with a good head on their shoulders and a realistic point of view....socially.
But I am so comfortable with suicide (been in many hospitals) that I really do not mind dying at any point. It feels a lot less intense than it used to. At this point its the same feeling you get when you've finished a meal, barely aware that you'll never see that plate left behind, and the food will soon pass through and end up decomposed on the ground. Well you paid for it, enjoyed it, and digested it, such as we treat life.
I can safetly say I am happy, but as well i am overwhelmingly upset at the way I became, the many failures Ive permanently set myself up for (such as my education, my love life, my family life, my personal introspection and my future) which have all been permanently affected by my reactions to my younger experiences.
Its funny how the closer you get to a mirror, the bigger the picture seems to get, and when you dont like it, you walk away, but the image is still dissipating in the distance. Everything takes time to disappear. That mirror was my negativity. Im in a maze of mirrors. And I cant find out how to get out, nor do I want to.
That only thing holding me by a thread in life is my young goal to be a great mother and wife someday. But the way I turned out to be, that wont be happening anytime soon. Plus, it's still a passion but only because I grew up with a psychotic mother (How weak is that?) who really opened my eyes to different worlds that I never want to be a part of ever again.
I need help in knowing how to effectively, and honestly get through to myself so that I dont end up O.Ding after work (Im a stripper because with my debts I cant afford any other job, especially since I dont speak french which is mandatory where I live).
I know barely anyone is going to be online to read this, let alone be interested. But for anyone who happens to be reading it, I really do understand if you inquire to keep holding on, questions if I have any family or friends (semi-no to family, and I will not taint my reputation all over again to my newest group of friends, causing another year of discomfort and rejection), but I need a new perspective. I cannot hold onto faith unless it really makes an impact. I dont need motivationals or inspirational stories (though they are welcome here), I need a little support and perhaps a few words of wisdom. It doesnt sound like it here, but I have been slipping away so often that I find myself living once again on the streets for another week, or taking another week off work, or returning to alcohol, weed, cigarettes and cocaine for an escape just to get some rest.
Perhaps nothing could help. But I would love to know what can whip me away from attempted suicide, because like I said, it's as simple as finishing up a meal.
Let me tell u a story. My parents were abusive. My mother told me the day I was born she wanted to throw me out an open window. And then tried to blame me for her wanting to do it. I was one of three children. I wasn't the boy, who my mother favored and I wasn't the baby, who my father favored. Everything was my fault. To them I was fat, stupid, ugly and worthless, which they reminded me of every day! They hated me sooo much and even til this day, which I'm 54 I still wonder why. I did everything to try and please them and nothing was enough. They took my paychecks of me, made me pay for things that my brother and sister needed and til this day my brother and sister think they were abused my her!!! I left home when I was 18 because they wanted me out. I had nothing, no where to go. Rented a cheap hole in the ground apartment with no furniture. I wanted to kill myself so many times, but didn't have the guts to do it! My father has passed and my mother who is 84 is still alive. My bother and sister who got everything do not bother with her and I take care of her! So this is my story. I developed anorexia when I was younger bc my parents always said I was fat and then blamed me for doing it to myself, even though I wasn't allowed food in their house. And sice they took my money, I couldn't even buy any! I spent Every holiday alone for a long time and all I wanted to do was die!!!!! In the 70's the doctors believed your parents. Most doctors at that time didn't believe in depression. I thought my life was over. Why didn't anyone love me? Why couldn't I have a family like every other loving families? Well it didn't work out that way for me. Now about you? I just joined this site about a week ago. I hope I'm not to late for your cry for help. I'm married now with a beautiful daughter that is 28 and a teacher. She adores me. My husband is a good man, but has severe ADHD which is sometimes hard to handle, but I do. My words of wisdom to you is so u strip to pay the bills, so what? You didnt kill anyone, we all have to do what we have to do, and if people don't understand that, then they are not worth your time and they are not your friends. How about taking a couple of college classes? What has happened to you is not your fault, but now the path that you choose is ur choice. So what's it going to be? It's your choice! Please, I beg of you make the right one. Talk to someone, talk to me, I will give you my email address even I can call you! There is still so much more to my life that I haven't touched upon, but let me tell you I have been exactly where you are now and I choice to live!! I will be there for you anytime! Let me be your sounding board. I care! Janie
After reading your post it seems to me that you are in an environment that's going to keep repeating bad non conducive cycles to your well being. It seems you have the ability to get over your bad past growing up slowly but in this process you kind of ended up in another bad place. It seems to me you want what every other person out there wants one of the most important needs which is companionship someone to love and call your own. My suggestion would be if you want to change your life a change of environment would be needed I would slowly look for another job if at all possible I know you said French is mandatory but it would help and if any friends are advocates of things your trying to get away from stop hanging out, at this point you need to do you because you seem to see the bigger picture as far as what you want for yourself, but it will take some sacrifices. Even if it takes awhile to do these things don’t be discouraged, in the situation your in your going to have to have much patience and courage. Put it this way when you break free from this you would have acquired much wisdom and you will be able to pass down this knowledge to your kids when it may be so. Consider this a spiritual cleaning sometimes god will put us through these things only to come out of it more wise and with morals. Without going into all the detail's of my life I have had went through, one being extreme mental anguish that nobody could help me with except for myself I had to make sense of everything on my own and I didn’t really start to enjoy life until my late 20's. All I’m saying is you are not put here on this earth to be miserable and your going to have to rely on yourself to fix most or your problems we are our own best psychologist because only you truly know what is going on.
I agree with perseverance2012. We have to go out and fins what make us happy, and what will motivates us to try in life. You're definitely worth it, so don't think you're not. Email me anytime if you want to talk about anything.