Short Version of Scared Suicide

Suicide. I created two long posts which describe this exact message. I figure since no one has ever responded to my other accounts (I had to keep creating a new one cuz I forgot the password months later of chronic checking and no responses) I might as well just be brief. Even though the details are more than necessary. Refer to other posts of mine if anyone is bored enough to be interested

Basically, Ive had a rough past. I grew up with abuse, some homelessness because of running away. I learned life skills late because of lack of guidance (ex: how to form proper sentences at age 8 and only because I had a flair for writing).

I am a very positive, rational, appreciative person with a good head on their shoulders and a realistic point of view....socially.
But I am so comfortable with suicide (been in many hospitals) that I really do not mind dying at any point. It feels a lot less intense than it used to. At this point its the same feeling you get when you've finished a meal, barely aware that you'll never see that plate left behind, and the food will soon pass through and end up decomposed on the ground. Well you paid for it, enjoyed it, and digested it, such as we treat life.

I can safetly say I am happy, but as well i am overwhelmingly upset at the way I became, the many failures Ive permanently set myself up for (such as my education, my love life, my family life, my personal introspection and my future) which have all been permanently affected by my reactions to my younger experiences.

Its funny how the closer you get to a mirror, the bigger the picture seems to get, and when you dont like it, you walk away, but the image is still dissipating in the distance. Everything takes time to disappear. That mirror was my negativity. Im in a maze of mirrors. And I cant find out how to get out, nor do I want to.

That only thing holding me by a thread in life is my young goal to be a great mother and wife someday. But the way I turned out to be, that wont be happening anytime soon. Plus, it's still a passion but only because I grew up with a psychotic mother (How weak is that?) who really opened my eyes to different worlds that I never want to be a part of ever again.



I need help in knowing how to effectively, and honestly get through to myself so that I dont end up O.Ding after work (Im a stripper because with my debts I cant afford any other job, especially since I dont speak french which is mandatory where I live).

I know barely anyone is going to be online to read this, let alone be interested. But for anyone who happens to be reading it, I really do understand if you inquire to keep holding on, questions if I have any family or friends (semi-no to family, and I will not taint my reputation all over again to my newest group of friends, causing another year of discomfort and rejection), but I need a new perspective. I cannot hold onto faith unless it really makes an impact. I dont need motivationals or inspirational stories (though they are welcome here), I need a little support and perhaps a few words of wisdom. It doesnt sound like it here, but I have been slipping away so often that I find myself living once again on the streets for another week, or taking another week off work, or returning to alcohol, weed, cigarettes and cocaine for an escape just to get some rest.

Perhaps nothing could help. But I would love to know what can whip me away from attempted suicide, because like I said, it's as simple as finishing up a meal.