Teen Pregnancy Forum - she wants to keep the baby


she wants to keep the baby

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futuredaddy

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she wants to keep the baby Posted: 04-29-08 03:08am


My age: 17 Gf's age: 16 Our son is supposed to be born on june 21st. Due to the lack of money and other issues, we decided to go ahead and put this baby up for adoption. I thought it was the best thing. This baby deserves the best life he can have. He wouldn't be getting the same opportunities with us that he could be having if he lived with another family. We've been focusing on adoption for the past 5 months. We talked to some adoption agencies and prepared for it. 2 weeks ago, BAM she tells me she wants to keep the baby. I was so mad. Not because of the baby, but the fact that she let me know on the last minute and I didn't even have enough time to prepare for this. She starts telling me that "oh what if the family is bad and the harm the kid" "i can rely on my parents for the money" " I can get a job " About the family part, i mean. this isn't harry potter where the adopted kid gets abused and all these other things. This is real life, but I guess she doesn't understand it. She wants to rely on her parents for all the money. This shows how immature and how ignorant she is. What happens if her parents decide to be a b**** one day and refuse to give her money. legally, they don't have to give her a dime for the kid, so they can't get in trouble. If the kid doesn't get food, he dies. Simple as that. My parents can't help out. My parents are facing foreclosure on our home at the moment and we are in debt on so many bills right now that my parents can't even fathom the idea of having another kid as a financial responsibility. Then she says she can get a job. Lol, this one mad me laugh a little bit. See, we live in a pretty quiet place in town. Where buses, or taxis don't raid through and have very little jobs around here within walking distance. She has no license, no references, nothing. No one can drive her except on the weekends because her parents have work. And working one day a week is a waste. 8 hours a day at 6.15 a hour. comes out to 49$ as her gross. after taxes, she gets roughly around 30$. that's not enough to cover daycare expenses, food, diapers, etc: . Also, what happens if she isn't hired. Most doctors recommend women after pregnancy not to do major activities for the first month or so i would guess ( I may be wrong ). my point is, she wont even make enough money to put food on the table. After I found all this out, I dumped her. I hung up the phone and broke it in 2 pieces. I was so stressed and upset, I started hyperventilating and now I might have to be placed on anti-depressants. I've lost 15 lbs in the past 2 weeks. It's unbelievable. I don't know what to do. I'm so lost right now. My brother was just placed in a mental health place. My moms house got broken into yesterday and she lost a lot of her stuff. My dad is in financial debt and we're going to loose our home. Why live at all? I'd be better off getting pistol whipped by the devil than living through all of this crap. Please help me. She needs to know what will happen if she continues this.

krystineM

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Posted: 04-29-08 10:08am


Well, it started off really good... Then your girlfriend backed out. I think you should sit down with your adoption agency people who are helping you guys set this adoption up. Have them explain to your girlfriend, that they can do Open Adoptions, where the biological parents can see the progress the baby is making and how the new family treats them and so on. Your right times have changed, they dont hand the kid off to an abusive family or neglectful family..no none of that. They do a thorough inspection of the family that is intrested in the adoption. So your girlfriend is overreacting. I also think, it might be a good idea to call her. Did you explain to her how irrational she sounds with getting a job where she could only work 1 day a week? No one will hire a new comer if they can only work 1 day! If she's thinking they'll take her out of pity for being pregnant, think again! Im pregnant with my first at 18, im not working, but i go to school. Get up at 6:30am get ready sometimes hurl in the toilet, then go to school till 1pm Sometimes its so hard getting myself out of bed i feel like crap...sometimes i go home early because im all dizzy, have puked in the washroom, headaches... They'll fire her butt if she has to leave or can't make it in because of these things! And 30$ to pay for her baby!!?? Did you do the math with her? I think you should show her that it is so irrational with how much she makes too. At 30$, you'll be lucky if you have enough for diapers or formula! Let alone other things the baby needs to grow as they get older [baby food, baby cereal, CLOTHES! Babies grow SO FAST! etc.] I would not want to rely on my parents for the money to support my child...that almost seems like being on welfare! Im going to be living with my fiance and his brother and his brothers wife and kids, but everything for the baby, we pay for ourselves and save up for our own place. Are her parents happy about her pregnant? How is her financial stability, I know you said yours is not so good, but even if her's is ok, its not going to lessen the load with a new born. My best advice is, like i said above. Get to gether with your adoption agent, talk about how your girlfriend feels and let them explain the things they do when finding a home. Then caculate exactaly what she would be making and let her see that its not enough..i mean the baby can't live off nothing while she saves up for formula or diapers and other things. Explain that a job would not take her at all..does she have her diploma? Try letting her understand now is not the time for a baby, there's no way. But let her know you'll be there for her, even if she annoys the hell out of you with all this. Let her know its for the best. I hope that helped a little. If you need to talk you can PM me anytime

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Posted: 04-29-08 13:02pm


I agree with Krystine. Maybe try an open adoption. Some families might even let you visit the baby like 3 times a year or something instead of just sending updates. It's not gonna be all rainbows and butterflies if she keeps the baby and I feel like she thinks it will be. Good Luck with everything.

krystineM

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Posted: 04-29-08 13:04pm


Ya, an adoption is hard when its giving your child away, but instead of thinking about what you [your girlfriend] wants, you have to think of the baby's needs. You are thinking about this, but she has to realize this aswell. Its what's best for the baby.

futuredaddy

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Posted: 04-29-08 14:34pm


I've gone over all the figures with her. She doesn't seem to believe me. I might just have to let her actually experience it for herself. With gas prices up to 3.65 a gallon, it'll be even harder for her parents to support her. By the way, her parents seem fine about supporting her. She wont be getting a job any time soon. She can't even take drivers ed. She tried one time and failed. Now it cost money for the second time. That's 300$ that her parents don't have. Every time I prove to her that she wont be able to do this, then she just says she'll have to rely on her parents. She's pretty immature for her age also. When this kid is born, if it doesn't get what it needs, I may be forced to call DSS. I called them today, and we were able to work out something. Since my gf overdosed while she was pregnant in a attempt to kill the child, and she has a criminal record then it should be an easy case. I can take full custody or legal custody of the child and I can go from there.

Ingi

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Posted: 04-29-08 15:29pm

futuredaddy wrote:

I've gone over all the figures with her. She doesn't seem to believe me. I might just have to let her actually experience it for herself. With gas prices up to 3.65 a gallon, it'll be even harder for her parents to support her.

By the way, her parents seem fine about supporting her. She wont be getting a job any time soon. She can't even take drivers ed. She tried one time and failed. Now it cost money for the second time. That's 300$ that her parents don't have.

Every time I prove to her that she wont be able to do this, then she just says she'll have to rely on her parents. She's pretty immature for her age also.

When this kid is born, if it doesn't get what it needs, I may be forced to call DSS. I called them today, and we were able to work out something. Since my gf overdosed while she was pregnant in a attempt to kill the child, and she has a criminal record then it should be an easy case. I can take full custody or legal custody of the child and I can go from there.

I'm confused by this whole story. At first you were trying to get your girlfriend pregnant. Then you weren't sure if the baby was (is) yours. At some point you two were going to get married. Now you say at some point you were going to give the baby up for adoption but she has since backed out of that. You further go on to say that you've broken up and at some point she tried harming herself while pregnant - somehow this will allow you custody. (I'm not sure who told you that, but it is not true. There will be courts and you'll have to be proven through DNA testing that you are the father, etc. This will take months and will not be cheap!)

Being pregnant/a parent as a teen is a very difficult and sometimes traumatic process. However, this is now your girlfriend's choice. I know that might not seem fair, since you already came to the decision to give the baby up for adoption, but once a woman (even a teenager) gets pregnant, the choice of what to do with the pregnancy is up to her.

krystineM

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Posted: 04-29-08 17:25pm


No they weren't trying to get pregnant, he had unprotected sex with his girlfriend, and they had talked it over to give the baby up for adoption. But then his girlfriend backed out of the adoption and wants to keep the child now. Even though she is no way capable of supporting this child at all. I think if he told DSS about her overdose and criminal record, it would give him MORE access to keeping the child, than someone who tried killing the baby with pills while pregnant. Im sure he would be more than fine having a DNA test done and going to court if it means having the baby put in the right hands, if he decides to raise the baby or give the baby up for adoption, than keep the child with a girl who thinks she can support this baby off 30$ and parents money. Futuredaddy-its ashame that she still is blinded by how big this situation is. And ashame that her parents are just going to fix the mess, instead of talk to her about the best decision for the child...But hey, like Ingi did say, it is her decision now...sadly it could be the wrong one, but only time can tell... Its sad that she just relys on her parents for EVERYTHING. And has pretty much put it in motion that her parents WILL pay for everything for the baby...the baby mine as well go to her parents... Hey, Have you asked her if her parents would be willing to adopt the baby? She would see tha baby everyday, help raise the child, but be able to be a kid herself. I mean, she's already saying her parents will do this, pay for this, or that...maybe they could adopt the baby. Maybe try mention that, possibly first to her parents, then if they think they would be intrested in that, talk to your girlfriend WITH her parents.

Ingi

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Posted: 04-29-08 17:38pm

Why should her parents adopt this baby? He says they whoop her, why would they consider giving the baby to them? That is frightening!

Have you read his posts? There is a function that allows you to read what people have posted. He and his girlfriend DID try to have a baby.

futuredaddy wrote:

We're both 16 years old right now.
We've been trying to get her pregnant. We both admit that we bit off more than we can chew, because of the whole hormones. She keeps crying asking me why she keeps makeing these outburst. Something tells me she's saying that to make an excuse . I really don't know. I feel so emotionally drained from putting up with this. When I bottle up my emotions, it gets rough and I get really angry. And that's what i've been doing with her for the past couple days.

She said she's scared and she doesn't want the baby to die .

futuredaddy wrote:

We thought we could finish school, move in together and get jobs, but we were in over our head big time.

I just don't know how to deal with all these outburst she is making. it's tearing me apart and i don't know how much of this I can take until I just leave her

futuredaddy wrote:

We were only thinking of the positives of pregnancy ( obviously ). We really didn't think of the other things.

My parents are supportive of me and my gf.
It's hard to tell wheather her parents are supportive or not. Sometimes it seems like they are and other times, it seems like they aren't.

How long did these hormone changes occur with you?

futuredaddy wrote:

Yeah she has had morning sickness.
She also thinks all the stress in school is really makeing her like this
I keep telling her if abortion is what she wants then i'm all for it, but she says "NO WE"RE HAVING THIS KID"

Her parents are makeing her go to school regardless on how sick she is. She has been sick for the past 3 or 4 weeks. Is going to school like this healthy?

Anyways, I just want to get to the bottom of why she's being like this. She claims that she doesn't know why she's doing it and that she's sorry. But after she appoligizes, she goes and does it again. It must have to do with me, otherwise she would of been doing it to everyone

futuredaddy wrote:

I have an engagement ring and i considered the option. Friends are telling me that I shouldn't get engaged just to keep her from being moody, instead I should do it when I am ready.

But i feel like I AM ready, but how do I know if she is? When she says she hates me and doesn't want me, i really take that to heart.

krystineM

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Posted: 04-29-08 17:48pm


It doesn't sound like they beat her, if their willing to pay 1 for the cost of all the baby's needs, 2 for a car in the future for her when she gets her license and 3 to retake the driving test. I did not know they were trying, im not that nosey to go looking around for more dirt on their situation. I was just answering what he had posted now. They did try and plan on having this baby, but you know what, maybe after doing the math, realizing that 2 young people cannot afford it, plus they have not finished school yet, would be better off giving this baby up for adoption. Which i think is a responsible decision. But things did not work that way, his girlfriend decided she wants the baby [fully her decision] and can raise it off 30$ and her parents money as well. Where did he say they "whoop" her? I did not see that...it just does not sound like her parents are like that, because IF they were, they would not be willing to pay for the baby's needs and things for her as well. Think about it.

Ingi

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Posted: 04-29-08 17:56pm

futuredaddy wrote:

Reason i'm asking is because my girlfriend has had morning sickness for 3 or 4 weeks and says she cant make it to school but her parents force her anyways and she's always extemely exausted. When she refuses to go, they whoop her.

Sounds to me like he SAID they whoop her right there.

krystineM wrote:

No they weren't trying to get pregnant, he had unprotected sex with his girlfriend, and they had talked it over to give the baby up for adoption. But then his girlfriend backed out of the adoption and wants to keep the child now.

krystineM wrote:

I did not know they were trying, im not that nosey to go looking around for more dirt on their situation. I was just answering what he had posted now.

Not knowing the past does not give an accurate view of today.

krystineM

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Posted: 04-29-08 18:05pm


They beat a pregnant girl... yet they are going to pay for the babys things and her things too, also he said her parents seem pretty supportive about her decision. PLUS, they chose -or did choose- a different path for the baby. Just because a 17 and 16 year old planned a baby does not mean they have to stick to their decision. I mean they did try and succeeded, but probably did realize they cant do it. But his girlfriend seems to think its all good, her folk can take care of the baby. She is already saying that her parents WILL pay for the baby and her, and that their supportive NOW, so i dont think -or would hope- they are "whooping" her still. If they were beating her, they would not be as supportive for her and say they would pay for her things, if they were beating her still, they would be either throwing her out, or pushing for the adoption.

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Posted: 04-30-08 09:27am

krystineM wrote:

They beat a pregnant girl...
yet they are going to pay for the babys things and her things too, also he said her parents seem pretty supportive about her decision.
PLUS, they chose -or did choose- a different path for the baby.
Just because a 17 and 16 year old planned a baby does not mean they have to stick to their decision. I mean they did try and succeeded, but probably did realize they cant do it. But his girlfriend seems to think its all good, her folk can take care of the baby.
She is already saying that her parents WILL pay for the baby and her, and that their supportive NOW, so i dont think -or would hope- they are "whooping" her still.
If they were beating her, they would not be as supportive for her and say they would pay for her things, if they were beating her still, they would be either throwing her out, or pushing for the adoption.

Just because they are throwing money at her doesn't necessarily mean they are being supportive. SUPPORT entitles much more than financial support. It requires emotional, physical, and financial.
Just because they give her money doesn't mean they can't whoop her butt at the same time. Don't be so naive.

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Posted: 04-30-08 13:03pm


Well think about it. Just for a second, put yourself in an abusive parents shoes. Now if your beating your teenaged daughter, your really not caring what your hitting her for. Your not gonna just randomly give her money, because the reason why you are most likely beating your child, is because you resent them, hold them responsible for how your life turned out and other reasons. Now if this daughter comes home one day and says, im pregnant, and you still beat her, i highly doubt the first thing you do is throw money her way. Sure, maybe they did beat her before. But if they are now giving money her way, and saying yes we will pay for this and that, i dont think they would still be beating her. It doesn't sound like something an abusive parent would do. Hit the teen, then say hey! here's 20$!! And yeah i know SUPPORT means more than just money. Believe me i know.

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Posted: 04-30-08 13:57pm


This seems likea whole load of BS to me, story's keep changing

krystineM

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Posted: 04-30-08 15:54pm


i was going to say something in there too...it could have been just a far fetched story exagurated, you know?

rainstorm

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Re: she wants to keep the baby
Posted: 04-30-08 18:48pm

futuredaddy wrote:

My age: 17
Gf's age: 16

Our son is supposed to be born on june 21st. Due to the lack of money and other issues, we decided to go ahead and put this baby up for adoption.

I thought it was the best thing. This baby deserves the best life he can have. He wouldn't be getting the same opportunities with us that he could be having if he lived with another family.

We've been focusing on adoption for the past 5 months. We talked to some adoption agencies and prepared for it.

2 weeks ago, BAM she tells me she wants to keep the baby. I was so mad. Not because of the baby, but the fact that she let me know on the last minute and I didn't even have enough time to prepare for this.
She starts telling me that "oh what if the family is bad and the harm the kid" "i can rely on my parents for the money" " I can get a job "

About the family part, i mean. this isn't harry potter where the adopted kid gets abused and all these other things. This is real life, but I guess she doesn't understand it.

She wants to rely on her parents for all the money.
This shows how immature and how ignorant she is. What happens if her parents decide to be a b**** one day and refuse to give her money. legally, they don't have to give her a dime for the kid, so they can't get in trouble. If the kid doesn't get food, he dies. Simple as that. My parents can't help out. My parents are facing foreclosure on our home at the moment and we are in debt on so many bills right now that my parents can't even fathom the idea of having another kid as a financial responsibility.

Then she says she can get a job. Lol, this one mad me laugh a little bit. See, we live in a pretty quiet place in town. Where buses, or taxis don't raid through and have very little jobs around here within walking distance.
She has no license, no references, nothing. No one can drive her except on the weekends because her parents have work. And working one day a week is a waste. 8 hours a day at 6.15 a hour. comes out to 49$ as her gross. after taxes, she gets roughly around 30$. that's not enough to cover daycare expenses, food, diapers, etc: . Also, what happens if she isn't hired. Most doctors recommend women after pregnancy not to do major activities for the first month or so i would guess ( I may be wrong ). my point is, she wont even make enough money to put food on the table.

After I found all this out, I dumped her. I hung up the phone and broke it in 2 pieces. I was so stressed and upset, I started hyperventilating and now I might have to be placed on anti-depressants. I've lost 15 lbs in the past 2 weeks. It's unbelievable. I don't know what to do. I'm so lost right now. My brother was just placed in a mental health place. My moms house got broken into yesterday and she lost a lot of her stuff. My dad is in financial debt and we're going to loose our home.
Why live at all? I'd be better off getting pistol whipped by the devil than living through all of this crap.

Please help me. She needs to know what will happen if she continues this.

I would have reacted the exact same way you did. I would suggest that you get with her in person and point out everything you just told us in this post. I would also emphasize that she is being incredibly selfish and not thinking of what is best for you and the baby. You are in NO position to support a family right now, and it is obscene to put anymore of a burden on your family. Even if you don't ask your parents for money, if you put yourself in the position of having to financially support your ex gf and the baby, your parents will feel extreme guilt for not being able to help you out. That's not fair to them.

You sound very intelligent and your original adoption plan was excellent, because it was what was best for everybody. Tell your ex gf that open adoptions, where you can stay in touch and see exactly how your child is being treated, are very common nowadays. Therefore her objection to adoption will be moot.

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Re: she wants to keep the baby
Posted: 04-30-08 18:54pm

rainstorm wrote:

From reading his posts since November, I think their 'plan' has changed quite a few times.

rainstorm

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Posted: 04-30-08 19:01pm


It sounds like somewhere along the way her parents did a 180 degree turn around in the way they felt about this situation. At first it sounds like they were furious about the pregnancy, forcing her to go to school, etc., but now it sounds like they are willing to pay for everything. Since the only thing his ex gf keeps saying is that her parents will pay for everything, I think the best idea is as someone already suggested, have her parents adopt the child. futuredaddy, say this to your ex gf, tell her that if her parents are really so willing to pay for everything, have then prove it by adopting the child.

rainstorm

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Re: she wants to keep the baby
Posted: 04-30-08 19:04pm

Ingi wrote:

From reading his posts since November, I think their 'plan' has changed quite a few times.

.......goes back to read old threads....

rainstorm

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Posted: 04-30-08 19:26pm

futuredaddy wrote:

your not a legal adult at 16 when your pregnant.. have to get married.
you should know. we both live in same city, same state
my gf is at the maternity home beside carolinas medical center.

WHAT? Her parents sent her away? I wouldn't trust these people for one minute. If they didn't support their own child through the pregnancy, what makes her think they will support her child for 18 years?