ROOT OF THE PROBLEM
My mother sort of "cheated" on me when I was a child. I had a close emotional relationship with her around the age of 7. She then began regularly having sex openly in the house during this same age. This broke the emotional connection I had with my mother and caused me emotional trauma. Around this time I also began regularly watching pornography and so I started developing my sexual arousal very early.
THE PROBLEM NOW
Now I am 19 years old and I am aroused by the thought of experiencing that same deep emotional pain I once felt as a child. I am aroused my multiple forms of cheating but what worries me most is that I am aroused by the thought of watching the love of my life cheat on me. Initially I am aroused by the thought but after masturbating to the thought while watching porn I am overcome with regret and anxiety.
I want to feel that pain I felt as a child over and over because I feel I deserve it. In some ways I don't trust my girlfriend and I make her feel bad about it. I make her hate herself by telling her I don't believe she can be faithful to me.
TURN-ON #1: MASOCHISM
I want to feel that emotional pain I spoke about earlier. When I watch porn I imagine my girlfriend is telling me things like "You're a loser!" "This guy's d**k is a lot better than yours!" and "You let me cheat on you because you're pathetic!"
So I am aroused by the abuse. Not physical abuse, but verbal and emotional abuse.
This is the #1 TURN-ON because it is linked to my childhood issue with my mother and is the MAIN reason why I have developed this arousal.
TURN-ON #2: DOMINATION
The 2nd reason why I believe I have this problem is because I sometimes think of my girlfriend to be a tramp and I sometimes feel like I'm just waiting for her to cheat on me so I can call her a filthy tramp and leave her. I like the idea of leaving a girl that has cheated on me. It empowers me to be able to say "you're a tramp, I'm done with you."
So basically, watching my girlfriend cheat would allow me to put myself above her and say "Yes, she is a tramp." This is what turns me on.
I am ashamed of this because it is womanizing as plain as day. I do not want to be a womanizer but I'm sure I have developed this lack of respect for women from my long term regular use of pornography.
TURN-ON #3: VOYEURISM
I want to watch my girlfriend with a "stud". I want to see her enjoying herself with a guy that knows how to fulfill her sexually. I have been watching porn for longer than a decade and so of course I have developed the urge to watch people have sex.
These 3 things MASOCHISM, DOMINATION, and VOYEURISM arouse me and I want them all but only sexually. Emotionally these ideas make me want to cry. I would never want to make this a reality. It would kill me to ACTUALLY see my girlfriend cheat on me. I love her and want to have children with her.
So fulfilling this fantasy would satisfy me sexually but at the same time it would be emotionally damaging. So I'm not 100% aroused by this fantasy which is why I now have a problem. If I was sexually and emotionally okay with this fantasy I suppose I would not be worried but I'M NOT! and I'm so glad I'm not. I think people that practice cuckoldry are disturbed. I like this fantasy sexually but NOT emotionally and so I am rejecting it. But I need help rejecting it...
How do you remove something that you sexually like but overall don't want? How do you MAKE yourself reject something that arouses you so much? How do you make yourself not want that?
please help me. I'm in desperate need of someone that can help. I am seeking a psychologist but I need a public opinion as well.
I am a female with a similar fantasy but with different roots.
I think with you, what your mom did was deeply disturbing to you and damaged your feelings toward the subject so much that the only way you could derive pleasure and non trauma from the subject of sex was to find a twisted way of deriving joy from the trauma. Otherwise it would kill you sexually. Emotionally though you don't have that outlet as much.
I think all the pornography was partly to erase the imagery of your mom by trying desperately to fill your brain with other sexual images.
I think the only way for you to change all of this is to directly deal with what happened with your mom.
You have so much emotion wrapped up in the equation of this fantasy that nothing compares to it in heating you up. Whenever you try to have anything else arouse you, this same thing keeps getting in the way and trumping any other excitement value.
You have to find a way of healing the trauma of what your mother did at such an impressionable age. if there was a way to review it in your mind and try to see it in a different way as you relive it in your mind. Imagine you are her and what her day and feelings might have been when she first did that in front of you. Try to fill your mind with other parts of your mom that are not sexually linked. You could also try talking to her saying or writing that her doing that in the open really did a number on you(don't have to give any details) and that you were wishing she could explain what she was going through at the time and her thought process.
My fantasy involves the cheating subject. The thing that pulls me away from being drawn to the idea of being cheated on is putting that outsider energy into insider energy. I put my focus on making myself the object and being entertaining to him as opposed to having that come to him from someone else. Focusing on becoming the source like new ways to dazzle, be kind, coming up with scenarios of activities like drive-ins etc of us doing together rather than visualizing him with others.
Another way to quell it is to watch other things that aren't sexual or include cheating themes. For some reason "Just Add H2O" episodes online especially help me.
I was obsessing with fantasizing the week before a family reunion Then just being at the reunion in that situation pulled me out of it. With you it involves your mom so bringing in the wholesome family energy may not cut it. Also, there were couples there who made me realize what I have is so special and rare why am I trying to ruin it?
Also Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward. I saw YouTube videos of them together and something about that snaps me out of it. Just how something special like that gets killed by these things.
It's a struggle for me and am so torn. I don't know whether to embrace or shun this fantasy.
Omg, so happy to find someone who has the same problem as me. Did seeing a psychologist help?
My problem is in a sense where both parents were whipped by the opposite sex who were both happy to use that power over us, the children, and enjoyed watching us suffer whilst we could hear them having sex. Being ignored at a time of neglect when trying to speak out to the parents was the most painful experience.
Since then my fantasies have involved me being the woman or man experiencing the extreme heightened pleasure at the very moment of seeing the third party (child or gf or bf, or a vulnerable immobile sick person in hospital r elderly etc) in intense emotional pain. Its the only way I have managed orgasm since age 12 and I feel physically ill after the orgasm. Yet painful triggers in life still create sexual tension that need to be released.
Can you please tell me if seeing a psychologist really worked?
hey this is KinkyFreak. Let me start off by answering your question about the psychologist...
YES I saw one and
YES it helped a GREAT deal
What the psychologist basically helped me with was giving my mind boundaries and sort of setting rules for my mind. I needed to discipline myself and take control over my mind and take responsibility for what happened in my own head.
I think blaming anyone at this point in adult hood is only going to hurt you more. I take responsibility for every aspect of the problem that is my fault such as...
letting myself think about it
watching porn and fantasizing about it
letting the urges loose
letting go and allowing anything and everything in my mind to run around.
Personally, I needed discipline and boundaries set. It was hard at first but after coaching myself and practicing, I've come to terms with my kink and I've recognized that, sexually, I enjoy being cuckolded. But emotionally, I do not like it.
I'm a very dominate person sexually and so I think cuckolding is a chance for me to be submissive. Unfortunately it damages my self-esteem and so it's a pleasure I can't enjoy. I'm okay with that as I have many other kinks/fetishes that I can enjoy instead.
I hope this helps and inspires some new ideas in your mind.