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Sexless marriage - I feel like we're just best friends

My husband and I really are best friends but I really think that's it. We've been together for 7 years now, have a child that's three and two from my previous marriage. He is a wonderful person, supports me and there's is nothing you could say bad about him. Over the years, I've ALWAYS felt unwanted though. I am always the one initiating and commonly don't get a reaction from him. Over the years I know I've gained some weight but it's because I've given up. He never shows desire for me and it hurts so badly. I never had this problem in any other relationships and always felt attractive my whole life. He just shows love to me as a best friend. He swears that he loves me and is attracted to me but never shows it. I don't know how much longer I can feel undesired or unattractive. It hurts so deeply and has never changed. He's all talk about making it better but never shows it. What can I do? I'm tired of feeling like this...
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First Helper User Profile CarolineEF
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replied May 11th, 2012
Community Volunteer
Hi AMNCGN99 and welcome to ehealth: Was he like this from the beginning?....It is also possible that he may have a problem with his Testosterone....Is he willing to see a doctor about this problem?..Or does he identify that there is a problem?....Could he be into Porn and getting his sexual release there?....Truly there are many variables that could be causing this...Yet, I agree that you must get to the bottom of it...This is true even if the two of you need a good Sex Therapist to help you out...

Being a woman I hurt with you...We do need love....Take care...

Caroline
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replied May 13th, 2012
Extremely eHealthy
I know exactly what you mean - it would be nice to be sometimes groped over the kitchen sink or something - it is hard work having to keep trying to instigate sex...

Most men are not turned off if their partners gain a little weight - for many it makes things better, though they still tend to prefer traditional figures to look at...

Many women would envy your friendly and companiable marriage without sexual demands - but as you desire sex something must be done!
Caroline is right, there are many possible variables that could be affecting or causing the situation - testosterone patches is one of the common hospital prescriptions according to a hospital secretary I know and I urge you to use all your womanly wiles to persuade him to get tested.

It could be he has a naturally low libido or it could be he is one of the few men who are turned off by an over-weight figure or he could be one of the few a-sexual men...
If he is forever on the computer looking at porn and masturbating it is probable that ordinary people and ordinary sex is no longer good enough for him...

You do have a right to a sex life and plain language is best. Try telling your hubby to buy you a vibrator and some other toys and in future it is going to be his Saturday night duty to use them on you until you are well-and-truly satisfied even if he doesn't want any himself - not many men can resist the sight and sound of a woman enjoying herself and he might get the urge to join in!
Time to stop being so much of a lady!

There is another possibility to consider if all else fails. If he has been like that since the beginning is it possible he is not turned-on by women? There are a huge number of marriages that have been conducted by men who are bisexual but their preference is sex with other men. Celibacy would be an acceptable alternative to infidelity for a lot of the more honourable types...

If a dog doesn't get fed at home it will get food from somewhere else - the ultimate threat or solution - either a clandestine affair or an open threat to your husband that you will be open to offers from other men - that might get his juices flowing!

That sort of thing might rock the boat too much - you might be better off masturbating yourself and making the best of a bad job, especially if you can persuade hubby to cuddle you at the same time...
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replied June 21st, 2012
I very profoundly share your pain, AMNCGN99, and have the same problem from the male perspective. I have been in a sexless marriage so long, as illogical as this sounds, it is hard for me to believe that women who actually want sex with their partners even exist. From my vantage point, it is not the sex, per se, or achieving "the big O" (though that would be nice...) it is the lack of physical contact. This has a way of destroying any sense of joy or happiness from a person's life...makes it all feel superficial and fake. My solution so far? A life of quiet desperation, as though it were my fate to be this variation of the wretched of the earth.
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replied November 20th, 2012
My opinion is that he could maybe one of the few men who are turned off by an over-weight figure women. Either you talk about this issue with him, and/or you go and join a fitness club for loosing your overweight. But you have to have a serious talk with him anyway.
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replied November 27th, 2012
Overweight MAY be the thing.. but I believe that it's a long term process to get this physical contact back. For many people, sex is the most intimate thing and it's really important to be very close to the person you're having sex with.

You need to get yourselves out of the daily routine. Make him romantic dinners or buy special lingerie. Talk to him, communicate. Kiss him without expecting to go to bed. May be you're able to solve this problem without him knowing. He just gets his desire back. Men are really .. as my teacher in uni said: "Men are so tender, they're like flowers. Cactuses, but flowers anyway. Treat them gently and take care of them." (He is a man himself:D)

It's worth a try:)
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