nI have spent most of my twenties and my thirties with a man 13years my senior.
When we first moved in together I was 25,confident,attractive enough to earn money from modeling,held down high functioning jobs and my friends described me as independent,bubbly and strong,however Ive had a history of violent and abusive relationships.I lost my friends either cause they didnt like him or because he didn't like them!
I didn't see that much unusual about my partner beating me,stalking me if I left!We had never argued,as the few times I stood up for me,he would scream me down,either someone would call the police or I'd stop knowing I'd be beaten,hence I became timid and submissive but managed to still present to the world the normal me!
I have given this man material comforts he would never of had by building business's and working hard.In business I'd be the firm one,with strong boundaries..he would be the nice guy who would let anyone do what they want and even gave money to people that I'd have to find to replace him being so nice.
I didnt realize he was undermining me and trying to destroy my esteem.
Over the past 5years I didnt understand why I had no confidence.....so little walking outside became a trauma.I built a business from home that was successful,however like usual he would just collect all the money I earned and became aggressive and eventually sabotaged it!
About 18months ago a woman who's husband was a partner and her husband had left her to assist manging the business after their break up at the beginning of the relationship,she claimed an affair between my partner and herself,when i looked back on it she would be almost attacking me every time i saw her,he and her were always holding hands(he said they were just friends and she was very clingy),he did complain about her neediness and behavior for some years.
When I asked him about the affair he hit me many times and destroyed my property and told me I must never mention it again!
I did mention it again and again....I was rageful and feared the consequences of dealing with my anger appropriately.I kept it up against my better judgment day in and day out as a way of bringing it to a head,either he'd leave or confess.....silly I know,but it relaesed some anger!She is still in our lives every day and she tells him how to deal with me!!
I find this hard to deal with.I called her immature and irresponsible and said "how dare you" in a txt to her,she showed him and he denies this,however suddenly he has used those words to torment.... me every day since that night ...he seems to seek pleasure out of making me feel worthless...everything he says to me is a put down.
Through all this I had feelings of powerlessness and a terrifying feeling that my life is out of control...my anger has gone inward attacking me with all the put downs he gives me .......I've almost become an alter ego of what he wants.I felt a disintegration of my personality..like i was being stripped of who i was.....and feel dumb as i cant even understand a movie or simple article....I'm scared to venture outside as i panic and fell voluble ...ive just stopped functioning and feel ive given up on life...he d take all my money,so i lost any motivation there..........I must leave him but I'm so scared in this state,but fear what any more emotional abuse will do to me!
He has confidence and material comforts and I'm nothing and will leave with nothing!
I need to know if i have a treatable mental illness??If coming back from this is possible?I'm suddenly in my late thirties and I dont feel attractive anymore...he deprived me from sex the last 6years,rejecting me like i was disgusting!
I'm so angry and i dont like this powerlessness and i feel such a fool!
Ive gone to doctors and get medication that doesn't work and feel they dont understand or miss the point.I've always presented very well and now look like a looser!
Can the personality and mental functions beak down?Is it normal to loose your ability to think intelligently or understand?
Ive taken it upon myself to use all their accusations and abuse to destroy myself..i had no outlet for my anger,never have ifelt like cutting myself,however i admit ive had those thoughts.......i cant stop wanting to hurt myself...i feel this would stop if i were allowed to be angry...he has always threatened to throw me out without money or anything...he has control of everything money and has cleverly ensured i cant get it!
Ive been like this for 18months now and don't see me ever recovering!
