Severe Depression and Loneliness

Hey there, just wanted to say i know exactly how you feel. This is actually my first time posting on a forum and it's pretty late here so i dunno if i'll be able to order my thoughts properly, but here goes. Im 21 years old and i'm pretty sure i'm a very similar boat to you. I haven't been officially diagnosed with social anxiety or major depression, but im like 95% certain i have it. It's odd when i feel relatively fine for a while, but as soon as something even minor hits i'm down for weeks or months at a time. It's made even worse by the fact that i don't have any real friends, just acquaintances. I f*d up pretty hard a couple years ago, lost all my friends and made it even harder to make new friends.

It's pretty hard wanting to make friends but being unable to because talking to people scares me, which just makes the feelings of loneliness worse. It's made so much worse when it seems that everyone around me is doing well. I mean i swear it must just come down to a luck of the draw thing, with people just having better things happen to them so they are more confident because of it, then it just snowballs from there. As compared to myself it just snowballs in the opposite direction. I guess it's the same for all my self diagnosed "mental conditions", how i act changes whatever situation i'm in to something worse, but how i act depends on how i think which is then influenced by past situations. It's just a cycle. I've just been writing an assignment so i just realised that i'm trying to cover everything so i get full marks haha. Sorry if ive just had a massive rant in reply, but the bottom line is that i understand, i'm not gonna say exactly how you feel because i'm not you, but i do feel what you have described. The stuff i've mentioned barely even covers it (really), but i dont wanna be taking up lots of pages lol. Anyways just wanted to say that you're not alone. it's sort of comforting for me to know that so i hope it helps. Reply if you want, it actually feels good to talk about this even if its on a forum. cya

Hi. Thanks for your reply! I'm sorry, since it's been 4 months ago since I've posted that. I never posted my problems in a Forum before. Well, a LOT of people have it, and it sucks. I wish I didn't have to deal with that. I feel so alone though. I don't have any real friends, so I do understand how you feel. The one friend I do have, isn't really a friend. Yes, I guess an acquaintance. Not a good influence though, she always talks about me, or tries to exploit me to people with rumors that aren't true. I always wanted to have someone to look up to and be there for me as I would for them. It's seen as impossible though, because the people you think were your friends, weren't and it hurts so much. I used to have a couple of friends when I was a little girl, but that's history. It is hard to make friends, because sometimes when you don't fit in, they look at you funny and laugh at you. I managed to make a few friends online, but where are they when you need them...

I agree. I am SO shy that I have a hard time making eye-contact with anybody. Even my family. I feel like I just met them sometimes. I try and take pain pills just to feel calm and not feel so depressed. In the end, I break down and am again, depressed and alone. I know I might not be so alone as I feel, but really I think I am. I barely talk to people. I've decided even though how scary and how awkward the situation will end up, I need to try and face what's stopping me from making friends and having a social life. I can't even work because I feel terrible when the public judge me, or when someone is waiting on me, and I'm slow. I start to get even slower because they are watching me. Of course we all have our bad days, but there are people that have terrible days almost all the time. It's different for different people. I actually do feel my acquaintance is more lucky than me. She wins things a lot. When she is around hanging with me, and there is something to be won, she wins it. Contests, Draws, Claw Machines, etc.

We have to just find ourselves and come out from the wall we allowed ourselves to create. We have to slowly lower the wall, and let ourselves be free from the loneliness. If we met people like us, in person and get to know each other it wouldn't feel so bad. Even having one friend makes life WAY better. Someone that will always be there for you, through thick and thin, and no matter what. Every time I made a friend, they lied and stole from me. It's the same thing with the next, and assumingly, the next...

Yeah, whether it's by illness or not, what we think is usually what feedback we get. I used to enjoy my own company more often and loved to be alone. Now I do not like being alone. Everyone has somebody. I am just this "different" person that hasn't found any good friends or the right one permanently. I guess I need to stop searching, and I guess will. I will just focus on myself and I guess reality you don't need someone else to survive, and to be happy. But the enjoyment from other things and people creates my happiness. Sometimes I feel I'm living for someone else, rather than for myself. Like I worry what other people think, say, or do. What they don't like about me, I feel I should change it to where they would like it, and we'd be friends. People pleaser, I suppose. **Sighs** Also, I hate how prices are so high on almost EVERYTHING!! I feel one day I will be poor because my family isn't all here, and a lot of my family are independent and will be on their own. I mean who wants their mouching family members with disabilities bothering them?

Trust me, If this essay right here doesn't irritate you, I am so glad! I like writing, and I guess ranting as well. I can go on for quite sometime. I'm here if you ever want to talk at all. It's been 4 months, I apologize for such the LATE, LATE reply!! A lot of people just don't understand, so they kind of suggest forcing you to just go out and party, etc. But in reality it's not like that, there is more to that. You have to have patience with someone who is shy and has sorta phobia of talking to people. It's like forcing a baby to grow up, you can't. (LOL!)

Have a good day(at least try to!)

9:48 PM. What am I doing? I'm playing a MMORPG called "Perfect World" it's entertaining and it keeps you busy. I swear it's fun! But again, it gets very lonely, even in fake worlds, because no one talks to you. Boohoo me!

Bye *meow*(;

im also reclusive and an only child its nicr to hav ppl to talk yo ill look in now and again if i dont commit suicide to see if u want to talk .ill be here fir u as long as i can take care.