I rememer my exwife saying, of the negative things in the relationship or her complaints about me, "the thing with the cops" was very high on the list. So I really do have to tone that stuff down, I'm 42 and getting to old to be fighting it out like that, thing is I was acting out an old routine, one that I often nurture in the imagination, where I am defiant like a sovereign nation, and the local police want to exersize authority over me, so I'm indignant as a saddam hussein about foreign troops on my "soil", anyway, maybe I better ust retire those delusions, or atleast not implement them in newark, 'cause they're kinda nazi-like in newark and my presentation doesn't go over well.
I told angela last night, I was raised weird - Dr spock books and stuff. Dr spocks kid committed suicide, you know. So those books on child raising from the 50's are books on child torture basically. Not that I think thats a bad thing, but I do think it causes weird personalities to emerge. I always used to say that whatever you did to raise me, however you might have stumbled upon the method, I thought it was being done systematically to kids in the last 18th century in germany. 'Cause in german literature, all the greats lived in the same time period, wrote to eachother and worked together somewhat. I thought they had to have been rasied similarly - Goethe, Helgel, Fitche, Kant....
And then 'bout a year ago I realized I was right. I was reading memoirs of schizophrenics, and had been given a list by someone on the web of obscure memoirs out of print from other places and times. Ordered my favorite ever, Daniel Schreber. He wrote his memoir from deep inside his own psychosis. He invented magic that I learned how to use - he called his magic "solleen wollust", or "soul vuluptuousness", and used it to control events, the weather, whatever.
Daniel Schreber wrote in the late 1800's, early 1900's. He was, like the son of doctor spock, the child of a world renowned expert on how to raise children, a man named schreber, who was german, had written several books and had even invented the "schreber device" which was some kind of child torture device - strap him to a board of wood and set him in isolation for extended periods of time. And that must be it - how they invented Goethe, Hegel, Kant, Fitche, and how you invented me.
Angela understood. She says now I have this thing where - atleast in my head - I am continually fighting authority forces. Gotta tone down the acting out. And I think my blood sugar'll be a key to that, 'cause I'm hypoglycemic, and I gotta fix it, becoming suddenly one of those people who can't eat any of the birthday cake, can't accept a piece of chocolate, and eats healthy but bland food.
They say a schizophrenic if male, looses his schizophrenia of natural causes after age 40. I was always afraid of loosing my schizotypal abilities, so I always did things to maintain it. But one of the things I do to maintain it is eat like a twelve year old, 3 to 5 thousand calories a day, alot of starch and sugar included. And it takes all that sugar to stir the mind into that kind of schizotypal frenzy i like to maintain all day every day. And it isn't the insanity thats a problem (except the occasional police incident), rather its the sugar thats eating me alive, making me skinny and weak. gotta get strong by - counterintuitively - not eating. The low calorie low carb low sugar diet definiely costs something in terms of schizotypal abilities.
So I might be retiring from my magic throne, atleast semi-retiring, in order to be with the people I enjoy being with. Just got the whole tax situation cleared - 1986 to 2007 - and I have Angela and her family, and theyre worth retiring for. I lived a good hard 42 years all-out crazy. Came up with some pretty crazy material. Lived a crazy life, learned alot about past religious ideas, science ideas, philosophy ideas. created my own world, made my bed so i could cudle up and lie in it.
-onderdonk
