|One of my old ex's just cut me out of his life because he found out I smoke. That means I'm not allowed to hang out with the friends we shared. Also because another ex I recently had cut me out too, because of a misunderstanding that affected family. We all share the sam group of friends. Both of them voiced their side of the story to all my friends, and since they were all a tight-knit group of friends since elementary school, they stick together. As for me, I keep my opinions to myself. And I guess I let them label me and call me things I am not.
The only other people I have left as friends are one female friend who is jealous of me as is, is a good friend but she's fully capable of being on her own. So she doesn't put much value into friends. As in, she can let go in 2 seconds in order to get what she wants. And this intimate friend I am currently involved with, but he's out of the picture during december onwards because he's dedicated to this other woman, and that's when they're getting back together.
As for family? I grew up with abuse, I currently moved back but, let's just say distance is bliss. I'm constantly stressed because they love to start meaningless fights and there's no way out of the hours of torture they put me through. They're simply acting out on their own depression and problems.
This is where I confess. I grew up with suicidal thoughts, and extreme low confidence. It's coming back. I've always felt that noone cares about me. And whenever I start a relationship (which is rare) to build myself concrete confidence, eventually because I am young and relationships at this age are built on sex, things dont last. And I find myself falling...falling...once again.
I dont mind feeling low. I dont mind not taking care of myself. I haven't even eaten in the past 48 hours and I dont even convince myself I feel any symptoms. I just feel like no one cares and I haven't really done anything to ruin a relationship. I am extremely passionate, creative, spontaneous and supportive. The only things that get in the way is I let people take advantage of me, and I dont put much into my reputation. I like people to think I'm not as good an influence as I am. It's wierd. I just constantly want to be left out of the picture, I want people to leave me alone, and finally when it's permanent, I find luxury in it. But at the same time, I find myself depressed. Long long ago I lost the desperation for a solid family, love from family and friends and compassion and respect within any relationship. By now, I feel all is lost. And I'm not prepared to start anew, I will just end up ruining it because my comfort zone is being alone.
Any suggestions? Try to heave me out of this, you understand my greatest comfort, and you understand it marrs me. How could I find value in myself without trying to incorporate it through someone else?