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Self-esteem

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November 9th, 2009
One of my old ex's just cut me out of his life because he found out I smoke. That means I'm not allowed to hang out with the friends we shared. Also because another ex I recently had cut me out too, because of a misunderstanding that affected family. We all share the sam group of friends. Both of them voiced their side of the story to all my friends, and since they were all a tight-knit group of friends since elementary school, they stick together. As for me, I keep my opinions to myself. And I guess I let them label me and call me things I am not.
The only other people I have left as friends are one female friend who is jealous of me as is, is a good friend but she's fully capable of being on her own. So she doesn't put much value into friends. As in, she can let go in 2 seconds in order to get what she wants. And this intimate friend I am currently involved with, but he's out of the picture during december onwards because he's dedicated to this other woman, and that's when they're getting back together.

As for family? I grew up with abuse, I currently moved back but, let's just say distance is bliss. I'm constantly stressed because they love to start meaningless fights and there's no way out of the hours of torture they put me through. They're simply acting out on their own depression and problems.

This is where I confess. I grew up with suicidal thoughts, and extreme low confidence. It's coming back. I've always felt that noone cares about me. And whenever I start a relationship (which is rare) to build myself concrete confidence, eventually because I am young and relationships at this age are built on sex, things dont last. And I find myself falling...falling...once again.
I dont mind feeling low. I dont mind not taking care of myself. I haven't even eaten in the past 48 hours and I dont even convince myself I feel any symptoms. I just feel like no one cares and I haven't really done anything to ruin a relationship. I am extremely passionate, creative, spontaneous and supportive. The only things that get in the way is I let people take advantage of me, and I dont put much into my reputation. I like people to think I'm not as good an influence as I am. It's wierd. I just constantly want to be left out of the picture, I want people to leave me alone, and finally when it's permanent, I find luxury in it. But at the same time, I find myself depressed. Long long ago I lost the desperation for a solid family, love from family and friends and compassion and respect within any relationship. By now, I feel all is lost. And I'm not prepared to start anew, I will just end up ruining it because my comfort zone is being alone.

Any suggestions? Try to heave me out of this, you understand my greatest comfort, and you understand it marrs me. How could I find value in myself without trying to incorporate it through someone else?
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gmoorephx
replied November 9th, 2009
it would then depend on what you smoke: If there is something reasonable like an illegal substance: OK, some people don't want that type of people in their life. Then it comes down to the point where some people are obsessiv and can only pick and choose who they hang out with. I couldn't say much: thoughn i've dealt with a situation like this I cannot directly relate. i've lost plenty of friends, gained them, lost them. Never trusted really any of them, never ever been a trusting person, let alone even trusting family is hard.

When my brother was in the hospital i didn't sleep for 4 days. Convinced myself i wasn't tired, didn't need to sleep. hardly ate at all, just snacked.

Never had much self confidence, only reason I do now is because I found someone to show me why I should believe in myself, why I am more than I though i was. He saved my life, he really did. It got to the point where i was totally depressed, didn't care, didn't want to. Family, what little friends I had, school, I didn't care about any of it.

I'm sorry to say that we need others to show the fact that we can be something, the human race is worthless by itself. Find a friend, someone, anyone really that you can confide in. It can be family like a mom or a dad, just someone that's close to you. Talk to them, understand them and let them understand you. Tell them your troubles and your worries, discuss ways to get over them. Really, anything. To talk and to laugh, the two best medicines there are.
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Pocahontas848
replied November 9th, 2009
I smoke cigarettes.
I hear you about the not caring part and about the -he cared about me more than I cared about myself-. Ive been taught why to to care about myself. So why does it slip away when they slip away?
I want to be independently happy, I really do, I spent a lifetime moving around alot, as a result, my parents put me in 8 different schools growing up. I never learned the value of longterm friendship. I've become comfortable with solitude, but I've also learned how to abuse myself, thats what my parents forced me to learn. They taught me how to self-destruct, and I hate myself for listening to them. They were all I had. I wanted to gain their respect. I was such a loser.
I dont want to be unstable. I thrive on stability, but my positive self only comes out and endures for as long as a lover endures my past and our future. Ive been in longterm relationships but they always mess up and I take the blame.
But I dont have much left. Distant memories..come-and-go friends.. I just dont want to crash and burn. Because I know I will.
How do you cope?
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gmoorephx
replied November 10th, 2009
Where I grew up - in the ghetto in Portland, OR - I didn't have a choice not to make friends. The people there where African American, and sad to say, they still have yet to be able to mingle with other races as if they're isn't boundaries, so i never had those friends I longed for. Dealt with a lot of stuff that caused me problems to this day. I lacked the stability i needed, and so still today i suffer from lack of trust and the ability to make friends.

As I said before, society isn't just a want, it's a need. To know that you yourself aren't worthless, that you have meaning in this life you need those poeple around you. Respect, love, friendship, hope, happiness, acceptance, they are the keys to life. To have those you have to be able to trust in people and know that they won't hurt you. Society provides them, it gives a sense of need, that someone out there needs you in their life to be that happy person that they want to be. Understand that this isn't just in real life, it can be through letters(even writing someone in a different country is a form of stability) It allows you to connect and gain a stable ground for you to stand on and give you support when you need it, but also give them support when they need it.

If someone is willing to push you out of their lives and lose stability in themselves and completely just quit on the stability of someone else, then no, there's no reason to continue on with that person at all. People are our stability, emotionally and physically. We rely on them without knowing it, though it's sometimes easy to see. Knowing that someone loves you is stability, knowing that a friend or family member will be there when you need them is a form of stability. If someone, because they don't like cigarrets, is going to push you out their life then do the same with them. I know it hurts, lost many friends doing the same thing. But cigarrets are something that is worldwide, if he is going to do it to you he'd better or should be doing it to others as well.
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Pocahontas848
replied November 10th, 2009
Thank you for this, it really helps. I understand what you're presenting, I'll take it all into consideration, thank you for the support Smile
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deosvx
replied November 11th, 2009
Im curious as to what you smoke. But in any case the ppl around you that supposedly care should be CARING and not hateful. If you just smoke cigarettes, not a good idea, and I say that being a pack day person (wish I never started!), it affects your health but not your mind and there's no reason to hate, it's like if you loved meat but had all vegan friends. They only are expressing dislike cos they dont like it, they probably aren't doing it out of interest of your health. Now if you smoke weed, crack etc than rather than being hateful, Id think theyd be more supportive than being negative.

As for the self esteem you gotta learn to love yourself and f*ck everyone else that doesn't agree. Maybe you just need to move to a place where you can find your niche and ppl that are like minded. Don't change for your sourroundings cos acting FAKE may get you by but you inevitably slip, show your true colors and piss ppl off. This is a lesson I live now day in and day out. I come from Cali and now live in the bible belt... I have 1 true friend and thats cos they aren't from here either. I feel you and if you want a friend that doesnt judge and you just wanna vent hit me up.
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Pocahontas848
replied November 12th, 2009
Thank you for sharing this Smile
Yes, i smoke cigarettes, plan to quit by december but know i'll need the occasional cig every now and then.
You make alot of sense, and I'm with you on the part of finding my own niche.
Thank you for responding Smile
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lillayann
replied November 12th, 2009
Re: Self-esteem
Pocahontas848 wrote:
One of my old ex's just cut me out of his life because he found out I smoke. That means I'm not allowed to hang out with the friends we shared. Also because another ex I recently had cut me out too, because of a misunderstanding that affected family. We all share the sam group of friends. Both of them voiced their side of the story to all my friends, and since they were all a tight-knit group of friends since elementary school, they stick together. As for me, I keep my opinions to myself. And I guess I let them label me and call me things I am not.
The only other people I have left as friends are one female friend who is jealous of me as is, is a good friend but she's fully capable of being on her own. So she doesn't put much value into friends. As in, she can let go in 2 seconds in order to get what she wants. And this intimate friend I am currently involved with, but he's out of the picture during december onwards because he's dedicated to this other woman, and that's when they're getting back together.

As for family? I grew up with abuse, I currently moved back but, let's just say distance is bliss. I'm constantly stressed because they love to start meaningless fights and there's no way out of the hours of torture they put me through. They're simply acting out on their own depression and problems.

This is where I confess. I grew up with suicidal thoughts, and extreme low confidence. It's coming back. I've always felt that noone cares about me. And whenever I start a relationship (which is rare) to build myself concrete confidence, eventually because I am young and relationships at this age are built on sex, things dont last. And I find myself falling...falling...once again.
I dont mind feeling low. I dont mind not taking care of myself. I haven't even eaten in the past 48 hours and I dont even convince myself I feel any symptoms. I just feel like no one cares and I haven't really done anything to ruin a relationship. I am extremely passionate, creative, spontaneous and supportive. The only things that get in the way is I let people take advantage of me, and I dont put much into my reputation. I like people to think I'm not as good an influence as I am. It's wierd. I just constantly want to be left out of the picture, I want people to leave me alone, and finally when it's permanent, I find luxury in it. But at the same time, I find myself depressed. Long long ago I lost the desperation for a solid family, love from family and friends and compassion and respect within any relationship. By now, I feel all is lost. And I'm not prepared to start anew, I will just end up ruining it because my comfort zone is being alone.

Any suggestions? Try to heave me out of this, you understand my greatest comfort, and you understand it marrs me. How could I find value in myself without trying to incorporate it through someone else?
hey its ok really just understand your not the only one out there.
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