self destructing for 45 years

I'm 45 and my life is falling apart. I've been married for 17 years and have two beautiful sons. My wife is a wonderful person who has tried and tried to make me happy and has only emotional scars to show for it. My early life is where my problems seemed to have started. My mother is hard to put into words. She was larger than life and ,i can only describe her as utterly preoccupied with herself. My father was a busy doctor who did his best to be there for my brother and me. I still have a good relationship with him. My mom, however, I haven't seen in 12 years. To make a long story short,I became everything she was, harsh, mean,selfish,manipulative, a veritable emotional sociopath. I have hurt my wife to the point where she is numbed to my existance. I have lied to her, kept her from ever getting inside me, and I fear, caused her to stop loving me. I'm seeking professional help but there's just so much to look at. Where does one go to get back your childhood?
My mom made me feel like a useless lump most of my life. Her love was always conditional and I spent all my time wondering if I had done something wrong. I think I became a real chameleon around people just so I could feel liked.To this day I don't trust any one to any degree when it comes to real personal relationships. i have one real friend(for 25 years,he to is "damaged
"by his upbringing.) As you can see, there is much on my plate. Someone tell me there's a light at the end of the tunnel. I cannot believe the pain I've caused or feel.