Mental Conditions Forum - self-cured of MC ?

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Q: self-cured of MC ?

asked by: GiRo on June 8th, 2008

Experienced User

Hi,

My identity is secret.
I recently came to realize I have been mentally ill for a very long time.
I didn't realise during the period I had an MC.

As a child I have always been in constant battle with my head.
I had nightmares allmost every day.
I also hallucinated.

Nobody ever saw, because all of this happend inside my head.
I never told anyone about the hallucinating and having nightmares is very normal for children.

How much and how long I was in battle with my head I can't describe, I suffered a lot. I don't want to tell details ore tell stories about it.

A year ago my head sometimes made weird ticks randomly sometimes, and always when I slowly turned to the right ore the left.
I cured myself somehow, because I really hated it.

I cured myself of the battle in my head at age 13.
(the battle was with possibly a different personality I didn't allow to come out and take control over me)

Recently I heard destructive news.
It didn't affect me mentally, I don't want to realise it, so I just don't.
But a part of me does. For 3 days I had headackes, and my body felt nauchias. Asprins didn't help (I took 5 paracetamol devided over the day)
Usually asprins always work.

I think my body and mind are protecting me from getting seriously ill.
My mind is strong and I can think perfectly fine all by myself.

My parents still don't know, I'm 17 and 3 months old.
I will not tell them, I think it's unnecicarry and acutally I don't want to talk about it.

I came to realise it because I was talking to my boyfriend (Long distance relationship) over the mail, we told eachother lifestories, as I thought about the details of my past there was a very clear part of my childhood inside and outside of my head, this is when I came to realise the weird happenings I had and how irregular they were.
I became very interrested and searched information, but I can't find the MC for my possible mental illness.

I think I cured myself from a mental condition.

But the burning question is, what did I cure myself from?

Help me please.

Replies(9)

GiRo

replied on June 10th, 2008

Experienced User

Okay...
Maybe I didn't fully cure myself..
I keep having thoughts coming in my head I don't agree on.
Also sometimes when I hold a sharp knife I'm overwhelmed with fear and the urge to stab myself.

But for the rest I'm fine, I really do think I cured myself for 90%

Does anybody know what I have suffered from as a child??
Please reply..

GiRo

replied on June 14th, 2008

Experienced User

Okay..
Today I woke up with a head ache.
The ambulance came to our house. (Not for me, for who is none of your bussiness)
I didn't feel any emotion..
All this time I don't get hurt.
While my brother was crying his lungs out..
I don't know why?
I mean, I'm supposed to care.
I'm supposed to be even sad a little.
But I'm not.
While this person means the world to me.
I can't imagine a life without...

GiRo

replied on June 15th, 2008

Experienced User

This person died today..
Now I'm really sad..
The upcoming 2 years of my life will be very difficult for me now..

Georgia59

replied on June 16th, 2008

Especially eHealthy

GiRo- I'm really sorry for your loss. Is there someone at school you can talk to about it? It sounds really rough.

GiRo

replied on June 16th, 2008

Experienced User

Oh,
I have good friends, don't worry.
I take good care of myself, I can talk to them about a lot.

The thing that bothers me is, the disabillity to know the right things to do and say when a loved one is hurt with the same loss. I know I could embrace them like they embrace me, ore pat them like they pat me.
But somehow it's hard for me to make that kind of communication..

I think that really sucked, since I should be the right one to do it at a moment I feel sad but don't feel anything at all.
I mean, that night...
Everyone was crying, but I didn't spill a tear..
Maybe I should have, maybe I couldn't.

I'm so confused lately, just trying to get anything in order.. With this, with graduating, with relationships..

I really want to know what I possibly cured myself from.
Today I wondered what my family feels, of course sadness, I know sadness, but physicall pain... not just an emotion of tears.
But I can't ask them 'how does your loss feel like'

It somehow feels like I allready have everything figured out, but it also feels like nothing is real.

I feel the death, the way I know it.
When I think about death I feel it, it's a terrifying emotion that I try to get rid of the moment I feel ore think it.
My cat ate a mouse, I think last week.
I felt the death and panick, the knowing that its life was coming to an end,
I felt the feeling of death as I think of it.
And it feels very dark and terrible.
Because it makes me realise how useless and short life is.
(it's always usefull in a way, but you know what I mean)

Life is very very very short, to short.

But the moment this person was taken away from me,
as I saw..
I didn't feel death.

Georgia59

replied on June 16th, 2008

Especially eHealthy

I'm glad you have people to talk to.

Grief affects everyone differently, some people show their emotions very visibly on the outside, and some people don't. Some people experience more of a 'numbness' than grief, and don't really feel sad right away.

It could be that it was so real for you, you weren't ready to feel those intense feelings. When it's just a mouse, you might feel the pain, but you might not feel it if it's someone close to you because it would be too intense. Does that make sense to you, does it seem accurate?

GiRo

replied on June 17th, 2008

Experienced User

Yes.
I never really thanked you for replying..
So thanks,

well, I think so, this person was as close to me as any person can get..
It does sound acurate..

But you have no clue what I possibly cured myself from?

Georgia59

replied on June 17th, 2008

Especially eHealthy

It's hard to say online, and I'm not a doctor- but it sounds like you were at least experiencing some derealization, where the world didn't feel quite real or things are seeming strange. It might cause you to feel...
* spaciness
* like looking through a gray veil
* a sensory fog
* spaced-out
* being trapped in a glass bell jar
* in a goldfish bowl
* behind glass
* in a Disney-world dream state
* withdrawn
* feeling cut off or distant from the immediate surroundings
* like being a spectator at some strange and meaningless game
* objects appear diminished in size
* flat
* dream-like
* cartoon-like
* artificial; objects appear to be unsolid, to breathe, or to shimmer
* "as if my head were inside a Coke bottle and I'm viewing the world through the thick glass at the bottom"

Those are some descriptions of what derealization feels like.

However, derealization isn't a condition on it's own, it's a symptom of many different conditions. You would have to see a psychologist to determine exactly what is going on.

Users who thank Georgia59 for this post: GiRo

GiRo

replied on June 17th, 2008

Experienced User

I don't want to see a psychologist.
That's why I asked here, so people can give their thoughts no matter if it's correct ore not, just what they think I had..

derealization reminds me of hallucinating a lot, but the last time I hallucinated was I think 10 years ago, maybe more.

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