Hi

My story is quite a long one....

I was born as a "mistake child" - well at least that's what I believe. My biological mother had an affair with a married man and she fell pregnant with me. As soon as she had me, she died. The man, went back to his wife who was pregnant and already had other children too.

So growing up with my nan everything seemed fine. However now that I'm grown up - I understand things better. I'm 21. I feel very very rejected by everyone.

When I was 18 - my father (with whom I started making contact since 2003) invited me to go and meet my other siblings. This was only possible because my step mother finally accepted me. I hear she did not like me at all when she heard that I was born and that her and my biological mother were enemies. When I got there, it all seemed too fake to me - I was not in the "family" portrait and so I felt VERY left out....but there was nothng I could do about it. I also discovered that I had a sister who was just 6 months older than me. She did not like me at all, I had done nothing wrong with her and I still don't understand why she does not like me. I guess I had my hopes up too high when I went to visit them. Truth be told, I do not want to go back there to visit them anymore. SOme siblings (I have 5) have kept in contact and are making an effort - which I appreciate, but it's just natural for me to focus on the one that will not accept me. I also felt like my step mother was acting nice just to please my biological father.

All my life I’ve been seeking approval, acceptance because I have this sense of rejection inside me. I always feel like I wasn’t/I’m not good enough for anyone. And so this is having a major impact on me. If someone does not like me – I get paranoid, I start asking if it’s something I’ve done wrong or they just don’t like me because of me. I don’t know how I can make anyone understand this, I really don’t. I’ve tried to ignore it, I really have. I’ve read books, pretended it didn’t exist but on the inside I still feel rejected by the world, by everyone no matter what they do/say to try and prove me wrong.

It’s only making the situation worse because now I don’t think my Aunty(with whom I live now) likes me anymore. What I mean is that she doesn’t really talk to me that much – she never has, but then I was young so it did not have much of an impact on me. Sometimes I get moody because I’m angry – I cannot comprehend what I’ve done. Like when I need her support, not financial but emotional support, it’s just not there and she’s not offering it either. The only person closest to a mother, I can’t talk to. So that’s eating me up to. She never speaks to me about girly things at all. She has her own kids too, but she makes me do all the house work. I cannot complain - I guess I need to work to have my place in this house. So I have to do everything when it comes to cleaning. I have accepted that. Can’t tell dad this stuff because to be quite honest I don’t think he knows me very much in those respects, so I don’t think he would understand. No one understands, no one.

My friends see me as alright because I do not want to bombard them with my problems all the time. I just want to get away for years – just get away from everyone and everything, to be on my own and not have to worry about people. I feel so insecure even when making friends. Sometimes I think I'm going to wake up and they will not want anything to do with me anymore. I also feel like I push people away a lot because I am scared of getting too close. It's like protection from getting hurt later on- but is this all in my head? I don't know what to do. Please, anyone offer some advice that will give me hope.

Thank you.