I am 26 years old. I was pregnant twice before. Once, in Novemeber 2006..I was unmarried then and opted for an abortion by the abortion pill. The medicine failed to induce a complete abortion despite using the back-up pills. Finally, a surgical procedure had to be performed to clear the residual fibroids from the uterus. I dealt with 3 weeks of sheer loneliness, rage, pain all by myself because my the boyfriend and now husband was in the army and "could not be spared" - actually, I don't think he even tried to come and be with me. I dealt with months of nightmares and depression without talking about it because discussing the subject made my hubby feel "guilty".

Earlier in April this year, I miscarried because I am congenitally hypothyroidic and the TSH levels were not within the normal range. I was not sure about continuing the pregnancy because of my earlier experience. I still don't know if I ever wanted to have children of my own because I can't get over the time that I spent back then. I want to wait for some more time, maybe another two years or so before having kids and I told my hubby. He pretended to be so understanding. But then while we made love, I begged and pleaded that he use a condom (he doesn't want me using the contraceptive pills since they cause weight gain and I'm already quite overweight because of my thyroid and have the tendency to gain weight very easily) but he refused and continued without it and now I'm pregnant again.

I feel hurt, angry and betrayed. I am alone again. He cannot come on leave, he hasn't suggested it and neither have I. I do not want to go ahead. I met the doctor yesterday and she was so insulting. Why is it always supposed to be my fault? I hate myself. It makes me want to have kids even less. If I cannot trust him with such a minor thing as keeping in mind that Im not prepared...am I supposed to fight him physically everytime?

I have taken the first of the abortion pills today after confirming that the pregnancy is 4-5 weeks and non-ectopic. I just hope it works this time. I don't care if I have to use the pill and gain weight after this. I don't deserve this pain...