From the moment i wake up till i fall asleep i talk to myself in my head, i would call it my thinking voice and i cant stop it. Sometimes i cannot hear other people because i hear this voice so loudly. When i am trying to sleep this voice gets especialy loud because there are no other sounds. I have been told that i talk in my sleep and sometimes twitch. When i try to shut myself up i start chanting to myself "shutup, stop talking, your still talking, why cant you stop." and i have realised that it is impossible to stop. I dont believe this is schizophrenia. If i say to you "don't think of a cat" you would immediately think of a cat. So when i tell myself to stop talking im still talking about trying to stop talking.

My mind has drifted of that subject now

A bit about me

Im a very bright well educated 17 year old, i came out of high school with many GCSE's and am currently studying Biology, Chemistry and Psychology in College. Im very passionate about these sciences. Biology explains life, Chemistry explains the building blocks that make up everything including life and psychology tries to explain the way our mind works yet it seems to be nothing but contradiciting conclusions due to validity and reliability etc. I have been smoking cannabis heavily for the past 5 years and have tried ecstacy appprox. 6 times. I remember everything changing since i tried ecstacy.

When on ecstacy everything looks so new and interesting, one time we smoked a half ounce of armagedon (very chronic cannabis) whilst on ecstacy (MDMA or 3,4 methyldioxymethamphetamine i think) and that really f**ked me up. I started to realise that we humans are nothing but self-replicating carbon units. That we are aliens compared to other lifeforms. That there is no such thing as normal. Time is undefinable. That THC somehow has a shape complimentary to neurotransmitters in our brain. That speech and communication are just noises that we have programmed with meaning, an exchange of data, ideas and what we believe in. Then i think about why we do this. This was a trip of logic and understanding. Since then i seem to see everything so logicaly, i have realised alot about myself and the way i think, i compare myself to the way other people think.

I have realised my role in a group by comparing my self to my friends. I seem to be the smart one. My friends would be remenisin and when they forget a detail they ask me, like im a memory bank and often enough i seem to remember. I also seem to be a teacher amongst friends, when someone wonders i usualy answer e.g. Friend: " i wonder if theres life out in space" My answer: "large telescopes are searching planets in the habital region of solar systems, looking for planets that are the same distance away from a star as earth is from the sun." I never noticed that the way i communicate with friends is by teaching and i only realised this afte taking ecstacy.

Another sympton of schizophrenia is believing you are god or somehow important to this world.
There is 6.something billion people on this planet and i see through my eyes. I think of myself to be so lucky to be a lifeform on this planet, and not just that but the most inteligent lifeform: human, also of all the countries in the world, 99% of them being in poverty, i was born in england. I have money in my bank account and i dont owe anyone money, making me in the top 0.3% wealthiest of people in the world. I dont believe this was all luck. I believe there is a reason.
I believe i am something special in this universe and that i will be always. For i also believe in reincarnation. Energy is neither created or destroyed, therefore neither am I. I believe that in each of us (or maybe just me) lies a particle, similar to an electron that is our conciousness. And when you die your body breaks down, tissues break down, mollecules break down, then we are recycled though detrius feeders (check spelling) or plants taking us up as nutrients, then to be eaten by an animal, then that animal uses them nutrients to produce sperm and there i am again. I cant remember anything before i was born, most probaly because i was probaly a single celled organism with no conciosness in my past life. We encounter millions of these every second and each one contains life.

I really dont know how i got onto this subject but it feels like this writing has really flowed. Im not trying to make any points im just showing you the kind of things i think about and what may have caused this. I think too much.

Depression
This seams to have taken over my life yet i don't see it as a disease.
Life seems pointless. Life is pointless. We don't know the meaning of life and we never will (i believe the meaning of life can be explained through atom psychology, a science i have made up. Oxygen has 6 electrons in its outer shell and requires 2 more to gain a noble gas state, why does every element desire this noble gas state? <-- a question i would ask in atom psychology.) So seeing as we dont no the point to life i have proven that life is pointless. A single celled organism on the other hand does have apoint in life, it is told directly by the nucleus of the cell what to do. Step by Step. And it obeys every order. Our nucleus is slightly different though. Our brain (made up of billions of cells knowing what to do) however has freedom, choice, and the power to decide. And one amazing thing that we can do is think theoreticly. Come up with new ideas. Using energy that has always existed to come up with something new. Btw im quite skinny, energy is stored as fat, i believe i have a very active brain which obviously requires alot of energy could this be whats keeping me thin?
Someone answer this question please

Does it annoy you that i keep wandering of subjects? I cant remember what thought was running through my head 5 secs ago so theres no way i can go back to a subject in this post ... forgot what i was writing about again.

I find that when im talking a thought will often pop into my head that makes me forget what i was talking about. I see thoughts as images and sound (mainly). Sound being my thinking voice. So techincally when im talking out loud i get interupted by myself talking in my head then my mind goes blank for a nanosecond and i speak out loud again, what was i just thinking about?

This thought disorder is also a sympton of schizophrenia.

I dont believe in Schizophrenia. I believe that the drugs i have taken have cause an invrease in brain activity. Thats all.
I feel gifted for some reason.
Typing this post hasnt been easy seeing as i didnt know what to write about.
I just kinda wrote.
I think that if schizophrenia does exist, that everyone has it, at least dormant in the mind until high brain activity triggers it. Then it never stops (first smiley of the post thats quite rare for me i usually smiley alot.
Im starting to believe that all the symptons of schizophrenia can be justified with reasonable explanations.
Talking to ureself in your head (or thinking) is normal.
But voices in your head are called symptons of schizophrenia.
Can someone clarify the difference?

fin.