Hi,

Basically I feel I have some serious problems, and I think that I might be suffering from schizophrenia.

My story is I have had a pretty rough upbringing due to mentally abusive father, I wont go into it but he is the devil and has tortured me and my family for years and persistently used me and brainwashed me to hate everyone especially my mothers family, and physically hurt and abuse them from about the age of 6, i'm 27 now.

well from that I joined up to the Army and left back in march 05, from there have gone into a state of limbo, at the time of leaving the army I was engaged to a woman and were very much in love apart from the fact that I unconsciously controlled her with mental manipulation, to the point where 3 months later she had had as much as she could take and left me.

I took my usual point of view to this and blamed her and took no responsibility because the whole world is out to get me.

I then continued in my limbo life for around a year with a security job and partying every night (drink and drugs) and sleeping with countless women, until I met a girl, I met her at a college I was working at and long story short I ended up giving her my number but we were just friends. then one night she was in trouble so called me and came to stay with me then we took it from there and eventually entered into a now 2 year relationship, where my thoughts, habits and pretty much everything has gone to caca.

I tortured her without knowing it by constantly downing her and treating her like a piece of caca and mentally abusing her to the point now where I basically think its over.

I had been going downhill in health and mental state since about September last year as I found out that my abusive father used to sexually abuse my sister and a step brother. My father stayed with my grandmother (his mum) and she fell ill with lung cancer about the same time I found out and because I could not face my father, I couldn't see my Gran. Well then 2 weeks before Christmas, my grandfather on my mothers side Died pretty instantly and then on the 23rd my Grandmother finally died which sent me spiraling down to caca. seeing me leave my job, stop socializing, personal hygiene went out the window and I started to here my dad in my head. at first it was just me thinking with his voice, my usual irrational thoughts, then it became more prominent to me that he was actually telling me what to do as I conflicted him until he convinced me he was right, an example off hand would be, I had decided I wanted to do an adult access course and was looking out my C.V. I had on a disc. now the disc had always been in the one place and sods law when you need it you cant find it, but I didn't see it that way, he started to say things like "ye she has doing it hidden it or threw it in the bin because she doesn't want you to do medical question all with your life, she is a health forum she is a prostitute she hates you and is just using you." now I can say this is one time in my life when I managed to not say anything but she could see in my eyes that I was blaming her. anyway eventually the doctor only knowing that I have told him I am unhappy, thought I was depressed and referred me to a counselor where I had 2 sessions and just spoke about my mum and dad and to my fault only, did not pick up on any of the other things.

She referred me to an drop in center and I have not done anything about it, I don't know, perhaps because I don't want to admit I have problems.

well anyway I had started hitting the drink really bad in recent weeks and getting stupefied, and doing very stupid things like making crazy arguments and even at one point confronting my dad and being very aggressive and threatening with him.

well I noticed that my partner was not herself with me and on Friday I asked her what was up and she basically unloaded on my and then told me she wanted to break up. I was the usual I will change and caca you say and then today as she came home we continued, and then all of a sudden as I was doing the whole give me sympathy. I changed like I had awoken from a dream and could see all this horrid caca I had said and done, and it really frightened me to the point where I was hysterical as I could now see that It was me and not her or the rest of the world for that matter.

Well in an attempt to find out what is wrong with me I started searching the web and could see that a lot of things I have done are symptoms of paranoia until for some reason I found a symptom page on schizophrenia.

this is where things I thought where for different things actually were relevant:

Confusion
Inability to make decisions
Hallucinations
Changes in eating or sleeping habits, energy level, or weight
Delusions
Nervousness
Strange statements or behavior
Withdrawal from friends, work, or school
Neglect of personal hygiene
Anger
Indifference to the opinions of others
A tendency to argue
A conviction that you are better than others, or that people are out to get you


Confusion, I find myself confused pretty much all the time and get very lost to the point that I cant even hear what people are saying.

Inability to make decisions, I cant even decide what to have to eat I have to have it suggested then eventually decided for me and that is with everything.

Hallucinations, I cannot sit in a room with the door open as I can see people walking about in other rooms, it freaks me out and I just thought I was stressed but on some occasions and one in particular, I was in the living room about midnight playing a computer game, and my partner walked into the room and asked me what I was up to so I told her and asked her what was up and there was no reply so I looked up at here again and she was gone like she disappeared into thin air so I went straight into the room where she was lying snoring her head off. I also live in a 3rd floor apartment and at night I constantly see faces and movements in the glass.


Changes in eating or sleeping habits, energy level, or weight, I have no sleep pattern I can sometimes sleep for days and sometimes I cant close my eyes, I'm always tired and I mean always and feel like I have just woke up, I binge eat and have put on about 3 stone in weight.


Delusions, Yep I really think I am higher being and for a long time actually believed that I was a god and I do still feel that way only I am feeling more mortal with these new fears.

Nervousness, Well I hadn't noticed it but when it was pointed out I really noticed it I'm very jumpy and shaky around people, like some friends and family members.

Strange statements or behavior, well the thing is I don't see it as strange but I have been told that I act and say very strange things and can have word outbursts.


Withdrawal from friends, work, or school, I have all but alienated all my friends just by making excuses not to even talk to them on the phone, I have like one friend left that still calls and I avoid answering. I also always let the phone ring out and check the ID and if its not my mother or my partner I don't bother, I have lost my job that's gone and never coming back. I am on this access course but its really hard to get up and go out the door, to go.

Neglect of personal hygiene, I'm a complete slob, as I sit here typing now, I have the same underwear on since Thursday (now Sunday morning) and the same t-shirt on for as long with some sweat pants that I cant remember the last time they were washed, I have really bad body Oder and sweat a hell of a lot which is new. this is me most of the time.

Anger, My temper is really bad, the slightest thing can make me snap like for example if my partner dropped the TV remote I will explode but its very unstable as I will immediately after go over and give her a kiss.

Indifference to the opinions of others, I have no time or respect for what anyone else thinks, I'm right and that's the end of the story

A tendency to argue, a tendency is being kind, I will argue everything and like above I will not give up till I'm right.


A conviction that you are better than others, or that people are out to get you, I put everyone down, and even random people I see, although its not to their face I do say it to like my partner, I make her feel inferior to me and I really feel like everyone is using me, but that is just with people I know like they are only talking to me as they want something that I have or they just want to medical question me over, even my family.

I am really worried now as there is mental illness in my family my cousin from my mothers sister has bipolar discovered it when he was 19 (now 28 ) and my father is clearly mentally ill although he is not help able I feel.

I will be at my GP first thing Monday morning and will explain everything this time and see what the next stage is, but for now what would people that know and suffer from this condition or if it sounds like another condition could give me an impartial opinion as im desperate here.

Thanks for reading.

Also I apologize for any foul language I have used but I had to give you the correct picture.