I am writing here because I'm looking for people who I can relate to me, and maybe can help me I don't know.
I haven't been to a doctor or spoken to anyone about things that have been going on with me for years and years now... it's just getting to a point where I sometimes disturb myself, or am feeling so distressed with reality that I don't think I can deal with it anymore.
I know I should go to a doctor, but I have such a hard time speaking to other anyway, especially about things so personal that the thought just freaks me out.. but I know I need help because suicide has been a reoccuring thought of mine... I can't stop making up storylines in my head of me being hurt.. walking down the street fantasising being abducted by a serial killer or an evil person/non-human creature so that I can make friends with them and find their soft side, and they will not want to hurt me but fall in love with me and protect me.
I'm sorry if this is going to turn out long...
I want others to share worlds, dimensions, and perspectives with. but I just totally fail socially and am unable to speak properly to strangers in person. Online is so much better. I don't know what I would be diagnosed as if I do pluck up some courage to seek help, but after speaking with people online with different illnesses, I seem to most relate to those who are Avoidant or Schizotypal.
I have always had beliefs that others have found strange, and have lived in 'fantasy' worlds since I was a child, but they never went away as I grew older.. I indulged in them more and more and I have begun to hate reality, I don't like to get up in the morning because I want to keep dreaming, I yearn for another reality which I believe is hidden and coincides with the waking eye reality that the majority of us are plugged into.. I hope that one day it will reveal itself to me.. I'm pushed towards the knowledge that it might not be true as others say it's not, but how do they know I'm not right? I still hope, and always will, I just hope that I am right and I can't keep my thoughts away. I have lost the ability to interact with humans and I no longer feel like I am one, I feel like I am constantly evolving. I yearn to have relationships with people where we don't have to speak, where we can go and lie under the stars, who I can completely connect with and share the same worlds and dimensions with.. I just can't speak to people properly, nothing comes out right, I always feel so awkward and I am constantly analysing what other people are doing, their reactions to me, and then at the same time I am analysing myself... do I look interested? Does this person care what I am saying? I get all these things right but because I am so focused on these things I lose any ability to say anything... I'm often refered to by people as 'shy and ditzy'.. which I don't mean to be... and if I know the person well I end up babbling and they have no idea what I'm talking about most of the time and it just makes me feel even worse about myself.. I just try to stay away from other people's static interference now but it makes me sad... I am constantly searching for hours and hours everyday online for people like me who live in 'that other dimension' on top of this one.... I watched the film Heavenly Creatures and I cried so much because I want a friendship like that so bad.. it's such a beautiful film.
Since my dad died, I've always held the belief that I was never old enough for him to tell me that he knew of another world... it sounds absolutely ridiculous but I've always felt that I had some connection with the sea once his ashes were scattered there, that I may one day learn to control the tides and the waves... I love nothing more than being in the sea and have feel that if I am a descendant of elemental spirits then I would be water.
I have never been in love but I find the idea of love so beautiful... I have had relationships but they just aren't what I want them to be.. my ex's always turn round and say I want something perfect and perfect does exist... but if there is such a thing as infinity then surely anything and everything is possible? What I want isn't 'perfect'... I am attracted to people with flaws, unfortunately a lot of the people I am attracted to, good and bad, are all fictional... but they all have flaws... I don't know why I am even going on about all this crap... I'm just trying to give you some information, albeit a mere scratch on the surface of me.
Real life is just become so distressing to me... I have lost all my friends, I am going more and more into my other worlds, and am becoming unable to function in this one. I'm just so scared and just wish if there are other worlds and dimensions that they would just reveal themself and the magical creatures to me now because I need something to keep me here other than hope.
How on earth could I ever just book an appointment with my GP and just come out with all that?
You have paranoia but a major part of it is depression and childhood trauma. Check out my other posts for solutions. Don't feel afraid you are not alone anymore and remember to nurture your inner child. It's going to take some deep inner work. I assure you that you are going to be okay. Nurture your inner child. Breath deeply.