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Scared that I may be Bipolar

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This is why:

My mother has Bipolar, a horrible case of it which sends her into complete insanity ever few years. My entire childhood is awash with memories of my mothers crazy episodes.

She had her first breakdown when I was 3. I remember she believed God was speaking to her directly and he apparently told her he was going to "change" the house. She had a bunch of place-mats which had pictures of castles on them and she thought God was going to change the house into one of those castles. We had to "choose" which castle we wanted as our house, and then she locked us in a room for a few days as God made the transformation. We, my sister who was 7 at the time, brother who was 5 and myself were locked away with only water and mattresses for I think it was about 4 days? I don't remember this exact incident but my sister does.
I also believe at this time my Father was having a breakdown. Both my mother and father were convinced our Cat Leo was possessed by a demon because he had begun scratching the wallpaper. It was a pretty chaotic time.
The day my mother snapped was unforgettable.

It's burned into my brain and is often a source of excruciating emotional pain.

The day of her breakdown I was awoken by my mother and father as they rifled around the house, gathering together all of our most cherished belongings. I'm unsure of their motivation but I distinctly remember my Dad walking through the house with an armful of my mothers most prized dresses and my sisters favorite toy lego castle. We were all unsure of why my parents were doing this...I don't remember being frightened....more confused.

Together they piled armfuls of our belongings onto a bonfire they'd made in the backyard. Leo, the cat was also included in the mass burning. I remember my mother and father, standing by the bonfire with spades. They had my cat with them. My mother picked Leo up with the spade and threw him into the fire. He wasn't struggling. My Mum said she knocked him on the head first. The most horrible thing was watching the cats tail tense up in the fire and I could see it sticking out.
My siblings and I were standing together watching....My mum tells me she had tried to prevent us from seeing it happen.

Following my Mums (and possibly my Dads first breakdown), she has now had around 6 major manic episodes.

They range in severity, from moderate to criminally insane.
My father has obvious mental health issues also. He sexually molested me when I was around ages 2-3.

I am now 22 years old. After being exposed to my mothers complete life-wrecking insanity, I am petrified that I may turn out like her.
At one time, my mother was a successful Micro Biologist. She has spent the last 15ish years as an unemployed beneficiary who is so far from being a fully functional adult.

I have displayed symptoms of depression from age 13ish and now I believe I may have experienced hypermania also.

I developed an eating disorder and began self-injuring at age 14.
I lost my friends and went from being confident and extroverted to being a miserable, paranoid loner, prone to random bouts of sobbing. I would cry at the most inappropriate of times. It was horrid.

At 17 I made what may have been a pretty rash and maybe even manic set of decisions. I decided to withdraw all of my savings ($1000 I had been saving for 2 years, money which was intended to fund a trip to the UK with my Aunt), wagged a day of school and spent it all...In one day.
At the time, my mother was having another breakdown. I moved out about 4 days before she was sectioned.
I had not planned to move out, it was a snap decision I made after becoming fearful of my mother because her behaviour was very bizarre. If you are Bipolar, you may have had similar symptoms. She was convinced she was a prophet from God. She also believed she was pregnant, the pregnancy a product of immaculate conception and would sit on the couch describing the "contractions' she was feeling.

A few months later, I decided I was going to move to Australia. I barely planned. It was a snap decision I made one day and a week later I was off to Queensland, Australia, without a job, a home or money. Perhaps I was being a rebellious teen. No doubt I was pretty messed up at the time and I believe I was trying to run away from the chaos at home. Although that makes sense, I also worry that perhaps I was behaving Manically?

I also decided to move back to New Zealand as abruptly as I choose to move to Australia. I moved back with no home or money. I made a series of really abrupt decisions. What is confusing is that they can be explained away as a result of teenage rebellion and immaturity as much as it can be seen as possible Mania.
I am constantly ruminating over this, analyzing my behavior, trying to decide....Am I Bipolar? Was I experiencing Mania?

About 1 year ago I believe I displayed some pretty strong manic behaviors....However I also have a history of Bulimia Nervosa...Which makes interpreting the following situation quite difficult.

Due to financial stress, I decided to return to work. I am a self-employed escort, however I had stopped working for around 2 years as I was in a relationship.
I take my job quite seriously and decided to start a rigid exercise routine in order to get back into shape. I began to exercise excessively and for about a week I had pretty major sleep disturbances. I was exercising before bed, which often causes Insomnia which could answer why I wasn't sleeping....I stopped exercising before bed and it came right. I was taking Fluoxetine at the time, which has often been attributed to aggravating or causing Mania.
I began to feel as though the world was a beautiful magnificent place and that I could achieve great things, mainly financial. I really felt great about myself. I was no longer as afraid of social situations and began to fill my schedule with social events. I became �busy�, working all day, then heading to a friends house. I became obsessed with a guy who I pursued obsessively. I'd send him texts of adoration then I'd get drunk and suddenly send him hostile nasty texts. I barely knew the guy which on reflection makes my behavior then seem more embarrassing.

I look back on that particular time and can see how irrational my behavior was and would never behave like that towards someone now. The excessive exercise and sleep disturbances I have come to regard as normal. Usually they're a result of me relapsing into my eating disorder....but the angry texts....The lashing out at that guy and the obsessiveness....The feeling of complete elation and my sudden vigor for life.....It was all very bizarre and looking back, is a source of concern for me.

I function in a general state of depression and more recently social anxiety. The social anxiety became evident at about the age of 18.

So after all of this, I am pretty worried that I may be Bipolar. It really scares me because I really don't want to turn out like my mother. I am always questioning my behavior because I am so afraid of going insane.

I'd really like some feedback on this. Do you think I may be Bipolar?
Does anyone else have an intense fear of loosing their mind?

Apologies for the length of this rant....
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replied July 11th, 2009
Re: am i bipolar or no?
hi 12345555,

This is the link you might want to look at for some informations about bipolar: www.bipolar.com.

i don't know if you have bipolar or not, maybe you should see a psychiatrist, and tell her/him what you have been through and what you feel.

If you are a man, i think it's better to look for a male psychiatrist, and if you are a woman, look for a female psychiatrist, that will make you comforable to talk to.

Yes i did have an intense fear of loosing my mind.

On day i was chatting with my net friend, who become my boyfriend, and he sugested me to see psychiatrist for bipolar treatment after i told him i thought i had split personality problem.

He told me to see a psychiatrist for bipolar treatment and he prayed for me to get the best one for me in my country, then i searched on the net, and i found her. i started to talk to her, and she gave me some meds.

On my next appointment i could talk to her about my deepest fear in my mind, and she gave me some advices and the meds.

When i asked her if i had bipolar or not, she said no.

Yet, i am glad i met her, because she had been helping me get through my deepest fear by facing it and by forgiving my self, so i could forgive others too.

Honestly when i read you story i was scared...and i am sorry you had been through those days in your childhood.

i really hope you get your self a best psychiatrist who will help you get through your fear.
And if do, there are many people also who need your help on this kind of problem you have.

i wish you all the best, 12345555.
Be well.
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